


Love Never Fails

by supercali



Series: Love Never Fails [1]
Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Alternate Universe, Angst, Character Deaths, Emmerdale Big Bang Round 1, Fluff, Homophobia, Injury, M/M, PTSD/Shell shock, Panic Attacks, Scars, World War One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-21
Updated: 2017-08-21
Packaged: 2018-12-10 17:58:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 70,162
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11696907
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supercali/pseuds/supercali
Summary: It’s 1914, the war looming. Aaron is the new chauffeur at Home Farm, and Robert is newly returned from London after years away. Aaron wants a new start, with Liv, while Robert wants to reconnect with his family. Bad memories haunt them both making their relationship a challenge. With the war comes tragedy and then Aaron goes missing.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> The basic plot for this comes from a book I read years ago when I was in hospital and consequently I can't remember its name. I've adapted it and changed a lot(!) for it to work here, but the idea stayed with me all this time.
> 
> At the start of this, Robert is 25, Aaron is 22 and Liv is 11. Andy is about 2 years older than Robert and isn't adopted (you'll see why it had to be that way).
> 
> The fantastic artwork that accompanies the story is by the lovely [@xlozx](http://xlozx.tumblr.com/private/163991108078/tumblr_oufj1pIaPp1qm5d8k). I'm blown away by them and they bring the story to life, so go visit and let her know how great she is! :) She's also encouraged me with this when I was on the verge of deleting every word so thank her for that too!
> 
> To everyone who has encouraged and helped, thank you!
> 
> I've tried to keep this as accurate as possible but please forgive any mistakes :)

Home Farm - Emmerdale - 2017

Alex walked slowly through the now empty house, the place seemed so big. It held so many memories and he was dreading leaving, but maybe it was time. Time to move on, now his father was no longer here. He had a good life elsewhere.

“Dad?”

“Yes love?” He turned to face his daughter, marvelling as always at how grown up she was. It seemed like only months ago he was bringing her here to meet her grandfather and now she was about to leave school and go to university. Maybe that’s what’s wrong with him, when she leaves he’s going to be alone. “What have you got there?”

“I was clearing out the big chest upstairs and I found these photographs. Who are they?” He took them from her, flicking through the dusty faded pictures as he sat on the dust sheet covered sofa. Most of them were family groups at weddings or the usual baby photos but there was one that made him remember sitting on this very sofa with his own father looking at the same photograph.

“This is your great grandfather’s uncle. Robert Sugden. There’s a good story behind this photograph.”

“Tell me!” He laughed at her eagerness as she folded her legs beneath her, getting comfortable.

“So the story goes, he had this photograph taken to give to the man he loved before he went to fight in the first world war.”

“Did you ever meet him?”

“I can remember my father taking me to visit when I was little. He lived in the gatehouse.”

“So what happened, during the war, the man he loved. Do you know?”

“We should be packing things up.”

“Dad!”

“Alright. Yes I do know, my father told me. It all started right here, well in the village I suppose.”

~~~ * ~~~

Emmerdale - 1914

He watches from the bridge. The clip clop of the horses hooves reaching his ears long before he sees them, bearing their precious load to the graveyard. Then he sees his family walking solemnly behind. He should be there alongside them, would be there if he hadn't been sent away. If he hadn’t been just like his father, stubborn, maybe a little selfish. She’d written, his sister, asked him over and over to come home, to make his peace but he hadn’t, now he couldn’t. He can remember his father standing beside him at the station, days after he found out what had really happened the day his mother died. His father had remarried when he was two, after his birth mother died just after he was born, but she was his Mum and she loved him and Andy like her own, he knew that, he’d never thought otherwise. That day at the station is etched on his mind, coming back to him when he least wants it, like a recurring nightmare. Him with his face bruised and cut, like his brother’s and his father with a face like stone, radiating anger and more than a little disappointment. He was still in shock at what was happening, it would be later that the anger started to build. He'd stayed away, anger at his father overriding the fact that he missed his sister, and he was only back now because of her. She would need him and he vowed he would be there for her.

He watches until they are out of sight before turning away and starting the walk to the house. He expects no one to be home, the staff will be at the funeral, paying their respects to their employer, extolling his virtues as a good man, as a father, everyone conveniently overlooking the absence of his second son.

He stands for a while at the top of the drive staring up at the house, remembering how he would explore as a boy, playing with Andy, and then Victoria when she insisted she was old enough. He remembers his mother would shoo their nanny away at bedtime, how she would tuck them all into bed, would read a few pages of their favourite books and then kiss them one by one on the forehead as they dropped into sleep. Some nights when he’s on the edge of sleep he can almost feel it as if she’s there again.

That was before everything changed. They were too old for stories by then, but not for the kisses. They didn’t come any more, replaced by a nanny who was nice enough but she wasn’t his mother and his father didn’t come into their rooms, ever, he barely saw them except for breakfast and for a while every evening. His eyes wander over the house, the west wing still showing signs of the fire that had ripped his mother away from him, the blackened spots around the windows still there, like some macabre memorial.

Even after all this time he could hear her screams, could feel his father’s hands round his arms as he stopped him from running to her, to do what, he didn’t know, because he couldn’t have saved her, couldn’t have done anything. All he could do was clap his hands over his ears and try to block out the sound.

Swallowing hard, trying to keep back his tears he starts the walk up the drive. He heads round to the back of the house, knows the kitchen door will be open, he can get inside and freshen up, brace himself for his family’s return. He doesn’t expect to find a young girl sitting at the kitchen table, she can’t be more than ten or eleven.

“Hello.” He sets his bag down by the door, the rest of his luggage being brought up by cart, and steps up to the table.

“Who are you then?” She answers back, eyes narrowed. “You don’t live here.”

“I used to. A long time ago. Who are you? Shouldn’t you be in school?”

“My brother said I didn’t have to go today.”

“So where is your brother then and why are you sitting in my family’s kitchen eating their food?” He pulls out a chair, can’t face going upstairs into the house proper just yet. He’s sure it’s changed, his father’s new wife had no doubt wanted to make her own mark on the place and he doesn’t know if he can handle seeing all his mother’s favourite pieces surrounded by someone else’s taste.

“He’s working. Debbie said I could sit here and wait for them to come back.”

“And who is Debbie?” There was something about this girl, her blue eyes almost sparkling, her tone not the slightest bit reverent, not that he cares a bit.

“She’s the maid. Thought you said they was your family!” Her outrage does bring a smile to his face and he grins back at her, hand reaching for one of the biscuits. He remembers the taste instantly, remembers pestering the cook to make them every week. Until he stepped back into the house he could push the memories aside, but now they were threatening to overwhelm him.

“They are. I’ve been away for a few years.” Almost ten to be exact but she didn’t need to know that. “So what does your brother do?”

“He works here. What’s your name?”

“Robert, what’s yours?” He tries to hide his grin at her directness.

“Olivia but I like Liv.”

“Well, Liv, I have to get upstairs before everyone gets home. If I were you I’d clean up that mess before Mrs Ladderbanks gets back.” He knows the cook is still there because no one else could ever get those biscuits right. He smiles at her as she scrambles to clean up the biscuit crumbs, the cook’s intolerance for mess obviously still legendary, picks up his case and steels himself to head up the back stairs to the main house.

~~~ * ~~~

He’s wandering slowly around the sitting room when he hears them, the low murmur of voices carrying through the hallway. He remembers one time when he was a little boy and his parents held a party, he and Andy sat at the top of the stairs watching through the balustrades as the ladies in their pretty dresses glided through the long hall and the men in their suits laughed and talked loudly to each other.

“Robert!” His sister rushes over to him and he holds her, can see the tears drying on her cheeks, the black dress making her look horribly pale. “Why didn’t you say you were coming?” God he’s missed her, he’s realising just how much now he’s back.

“I didn’t decide until yesterday, too late to let anyone know.”

“I’m glad you’re here.” He’s happy to hear it, couldn’t bear being turned away now he’s made the move to come home.

“Look at you, Vic, you’re all grown up.” His heart hurt, she reminds him so much of their mother. He held her tight, his cheek resting against her hair. His eyes find his brother unsurprisingly scowling at him and he sighs. He guesses that the woman behind him is Diane, his step-mother. He lets Victoria go, keeping hold of her hand, needing her support. “Andy.”

“What are you doing here, Robert?” He had known the welcome wouldn’t be so good from Andy, could hear the disdain in his voice.

“I thought it was time I came home, I wanted to make sure you and Victoria were alright.” He went over to his step-mother, the manners his mother taught him coming to the fore. “You must be Diane.”

“That’s right, pet. It’s nice to finally meet you.”

“You can’t expect to turn up, today of all days, and expect us to welcome you.” Robert sighs, he didn’t want to get into this with Andy now, if at all, but his brother had never been one for patience.

“You don’t have to welcome me, Andy, this is my home, just as much as yours.”

“Not any more. This is all mine now.” Robert sees the smirk, shakes his head, Andy can never resist reminding him that he’s the eldest son, the heir to everything and all Robert is supposed to do is find a wife with money or at the very least find himself a good profession. Right now he has neither. He had a good job until recently, but he had become bored, then when he received Victoria’s letter he’d taken it as a sign and left. As for finding a wife, he has no inclination to do that either right now. No doubt it’s all he’ll hear about now he’s home.

“I’m well aware of that. Congratulations, brother, you have everything you ever wanted. Always wanted to follow in Dad’s footsteps didn’t you.” He doesn’t mean to sound bitter because he isn’t, not really. All he wanted was his father’s attention, not the house, not the responsibility, but his attention, the same love he gave to Andy and Victoria.

“Now boys why don’t we have some tea and talk civilly. Let’s not argue today.” Diane speaks up and Robert smiles at her. She hasn’t done anything to him, he’s never met her but she had written him a few letters while he was away at university and she seemed pleasant enough. The problem was she just made the ache at the absence of his mother even worse.

“Yes. That sounds like a good idea. What do you say, Andy?” He waits for Diane and Victoria to sit before ringing the bell beside the fireplace and taking a seat beside his sister.

~~~ * ~~~

A couple of hours later, Robert is wandering around the grounds, trying to calm down. Once Victoria and Diane had retired to their rooms he and Andy had started arguing once more. They couldn’t help themselves, it had been that way since before he left. It was one of the reasons his father had sent him to boarding school after all. That and he hadn’t wanted his precious first born son’s secret to come out, let alone his own.

As he rounded the corner into the walled garden he came across Liv again. She was happily picking flowers in the garden.

“Hello again. Does anyone know you’re doing that?”

“I’m not stealing them.”

“It's not your garden is it? What else would you call it? Has your brother turned up yet?”

“Yes, he has.” A voice came from behind him and he spun round the see a dark haired man with the brightest blue eyes staring back at him. Something about him made Robert’s heart skip and he swallowed, desperately trying to ignore it.

“I didn’t do anything, Aaron! I was just picking the flowers like you told me. He was at the house earlier when everyone was at the church.” She gestured at Robert with the flowers, petals flying everywhere making him smile.

“Is that right, who are you then to be accusing my sister?” The frown that appeared didn’t do anything to make him less attractive.

“I actually didn’t accuse her, I merely asked if anyone knew if she was picking them. It’s my brother’s garden after all.” His smile widens at the look of shock on the man’s face.

“Your brother? That means you’re…”

“Robert Sugden, and you’re...Aaron…”

“Dingle, I’m the chauffeur. Liv, go take the flowers to Mrs Ladderbanks, like she asked.” He gives Robert a pointed look as the girl runs off. “She wouldn’t steal.”

“I...didn’t...look, I don’t have to explain myself to you.” Aaron scowled but he kept his mouth shut. “I’ll see you again Aaron Dingle.” He would, he’d make sure of it.

~~~ * ~~~

Over the next few weeks their paths crossed a few times but for no more than a few words or a courteous hello whenever he drives Robert anywhere. Robert could tell Aaron didn’t like him and normally it wouldn’t bother him in the slightest, he knew he could be arrogant and unlikeable, part of him thrived on it if he was honest, but there was something about Aaron that made Robert want to seek him out and he had to stop himself from doing so on many occasion. He knew he lived in the pub, which seemed wholly unsuitable, especially with him looking after his sister, but it wasn’t Robert’s place to question why he wasn’t being housed on the estate. At least that’s how Andy had worded it that morning when he asked.

Andy had been muttering about him finding something to do, to make himself useful. So far Robert had managed to ignore him, telling him he was the only one who would decide when and what he was going to do. He’d then proposed him running the estate for him. Robert was convinced he was being set up for something but he hadn’t worked out what it was yet. He’d been spending time with Victoria, catching up on everything he’d missed while he’d been away, that he’d not really considered his future.

“So what’s this lad of yours like then, huh?” He sat back in the desk chair. He’d set himself up a space in the library, in the quietest corner in the house and at the opposite end to the part of the house that he never ventured to.

“Adam? He’s really nice. He’s a cousin of Pete’s somehow...it’s distant but they’re related. Andy doesn’t like him though so what’s the point.” She sighed dramatically and he couldn’t help the grin that appeared on his face at her theatrics.

“Why, what’s wrong with him?” Andy had always been a reasonable judge of character so Robert was instantly concerned.

“Nothing!” He gave her a look. For all his faults, Andy loved her and had her best interests at heart. “His Dad is a farmer, they work on Butler’s Farm, so he says he’s not good enough for me. I don’t care about that, if I want to invite him to a dinner party, I will!”

“Why don’t I talk to Andy, you know how it works, sis, you’ll have to be patient.” He laughed at her huff of irritation as she got up to leave. “Hey, before you go, what can you tell me about Aaron?”

“Aaron? I don’t know him that well, why would I? He hasn’t been here long. He and Debbie turned up one day asking about work. Dad must have liked him to give him the job on the spot, he must have got references. There’s been no complaints as far as I know, but then nobody ever talks to me about anything! Debbie’s a good worker though, and she’s a nice girl. Why do you want to know anyway?” He’d met Debbie a couple of times as she went about her work but that was all, she spent more time with his sister than him and he knew the two of them were quite close. He still wasn’t used to being back in a house with servants, had managed quite well by himself when he was away and now he felt almost claustrophobic having them around.

“Andy wants me to help run things. Best to get to know people if I’m going to do it. Goodness knows why he thought I might be the right person” He was curious about the young man, hadn’t been able to get those blue eyes out of his head but he couldn’t tell her that. He was about to change the subject when his brother came in.

“Robert, I've invited the Whites to dinner next week, along with the Bartons.”

“What does that have to do with me?” Robert knew exactly what Andy was doing. Lawrence White was a wealthy landowner in the next county with two daughters that he was determined to find husbands for. He hadn’t been back in the house a week before the subject of marriage had been brought up.

“Robert!”

“Andy, by all means invite them, wine and dine them all you like but don't expect me to fawn all over two women I've never met. If you want his money then you marry one of them, leave me out of it. As for the Bartons you know I can’t stand any of them except Pete and I bet he’s not invited is he?”

“He is actually. I don’t care whether you like them or not. What about your duty to your family?”

“Family?” He spat. “Which family is that? The one that let Dad send me away to school weeks after I lost Mum? The one who didn't write more than the odd letter for years except for Vic? You tell me Andy? Let's face it you'd all be happier if I'd never come home!” Robert could hear his sister cry behind him but he couldn't stop.

All he could remember was those first nights at boarding school, when he was still grieving, still in shock and alone in a strange place where he knew nobody. He sees Victoria leave, knows she hates conflict but he’s worked up as he always seems to be when Andy is around.

“If we meant that much, why haven’t you come back before now? You didn't want to come home, you went away and never looked back. You don't care about this family!” That wasn't true, he cared a lot for his family but Andy could always push his buttons.

“Why do you think that is? Hmm? Does Vic know? Of course not, once I was gone it didn't matter did it? Once I was out of the way everyone’s secrets were safe. This isn't a family! You want to invite them, you do it, but don't expect me to be there!”

With that he left, slamming the door. He should go and comfort his sister he knew that, would have if he weren't so angry. He hoped she hadn’t stayed to listen at the door like she used to as a child, because if she’d heard, she would want an explanation and he couldn't give her one. She didn’t know the full story and Robert wouldn’t tell her. It was the one thing he and his father had agreed about. He goes into the garden, through the path into the wood where he can walk undisturbed.

He hasn't gone far before he comes across Aaron, hard at work chopping logs. He watches him for a few minutes, the sight in front of him was glorious. His shirt sleeves are rolled up, his strong arm muscles flexing as he worked. Robert couldn't tear his gaze away. He should turn round and walk away, he knew that but he couldn't. After a few minutes he walked closer making Aaron turn round.

“What do you want?” The now familiar scowl was firmly in place.

“Is that any way to talk to your employer?” Robert stalked up to him, anger at his brother still coursing through him.

“Your brother employs me, not you. You just accuse little girls of stealing.” The smirk on his face did nothing to calm Robert’s anger.

“That’s not…! You know I might not employ you but my brother is going to put me in charge of the estate, so maybe you should watch your step.”

“Oh, well in that case…” To Robert’s annoyance, Aaron’s smirk grows even wider.

“Anyway, why is the chauffeur chopping logs?”

“Old Tom needed a hand and nobody wanted driving so I said I’d help. Not a problem is it?”

“You don't like me much, do you?” Robert said, the anger suddenly leaving him. He sits down on a fallen tree, still watching Aaron, can’t tear his eyes away.

“Should I? From what I hear you haven't been near this place for years, didn't want to know, and now you're back and throwing your weight around.” Robert had forgotten just how quickly gossip spread in the village.

“I was sent away at fifteen, why would I come back?”

“Sounds very much like a tantrum to me.” Aaron grins, “I have work to do, so what do you want?”

“I was just walking. Had a row with my brother.” He knew he was likely giving the staff plenty more to gossip about but who else could he talk to round here? He knew he was fascinated by the man in front of him, who clearly didn’t give a damn about the fact that Robert could probably lose him his job if he were of a mind to. “Don’t want to talk about him.”

“Well like I say, I’m busy, so if you don’t mind…”

“Here I thought we might be friends.”

“Why on earth would someone like you want to be friends with me?” Aaron put down his axe and wiped his hand over his face. Robert swallowed heavily but he couldn’t look away. He hadn’t felt this way for a while. In fact he knew exactly when the last time was. He could also remember exactly what had happened.

“I find you interesting.”

“I’m not a museum exhibit.”

“I didn’t mean...you know what, never mind.” What was he thinking, this wasn’t a city, this was a tiny village in Yorkshire. He almost laughed out loud, why had he ever thought coming back was a good idea. “I’ll let you get back to work then, I won’t bother you any more.”

~~~ * ~~~

“Robert, can you go and speak to Tom today about next week’s shoot?” Andy asks him at breakfast. Robert jerks his head up, searching for a hint of malice in his brother’s voice, but he could find none. Maybe he’d forgotten, maybe he just didn’t care. “I’ve got to go into Leeds. It’ll give you something to do won’t it.”

“Andy, don’t start.” Victoria spoke up earning a smile from Robert.

“No, Vic, if he insists on staying here he can find something to occupy his time.”

“Give it a rest would you! I’ve been home a matter of weeks. Do you think I lazed around all day in London, Andy? I had a good job, which by the way you would have known if you’d ever bothered to get in contact with me. If it will keep you happy, I’ll take the damn estate job. But if you think for one minute you’re going to order me about like a servant you’ve another thing coming.” He threw down his napkin and stalked out of the dining room. He’d talk to Tom, he wouldn’t give Andy the satisfaction, but he could feel himself shiver as he got closer to the gamekeeper’s hut. He’d kept away ever since that day.

Once he’d seen the gamekeeper he went looking for Aaron again.He found him working in the garage around the back of the house. Thankfully by the time he got there he’d calmed down.

“You again. What is it this time?” He almost laughed. They’d had various conversations over the past week or so and Aaron always sounded so put out, but even so he always listened, always made Robert feel he could talk to him.

“Had to see Tom about the shoot, wanted to make sure you’re clear on when to collect people.” He said watching as Aaron worked on the car, unable to take his eyes off him. He hadn’t been drawn to someone this way for a long time. It was dangerous, he knew, but even so, there was something about Aaron that intrigued him.

“Of course. Don’t worry.”

“Do you like it here?” He asked a while later. Aaron had carried on with his work, ignoring him for the most part, but Robert had stayed, knew he didn’t mind him hanging around.

“It’s hard work but I don’t mind it. Can’t complain about being outside or driving, wouldn’t want to be cooped up inside.” Robert wasn’t sure if that was a dig at him or not but he let it go. He was trying to be nicer, he enjoyed talking to Aaron, and like him he enjoyed being outdoors. It was a beautiful day, he had to admit.

“My sister tells me you’ve not been here long, only moved to the village recently.”

“About six months ago. ” He looked confused, worried maybe, as if he didn’t want to give too much away. “Came here with my cousin. Used to work on an estate like this and heard there was work going here. What’s it to you anyway?”

“Just interested. Like I say, my brother has been thinking about putting me in charge of the estate so I want to get to know everyone. It’s been so long, I don’t know anyone here anymore… and maybe I’d just like a friend, someone to talk to.” He did. He’d never found it easy making friends. His mother’s insistence that they attend the village school meant that the other children living in the village had been almost in awe of them and didn’t become their friends. When he’d left he’d a few people he was friendly with but no one he could really talk to.

“Dunno why you’d want to be friends with me. Doubt your brother would like that.” Aaron shrugs, finally putting down his tools and joining Robert on the worn old seats outside the hut, wiping the dirt from his hands on his trousers.

“What my brother likes is really no concern of mine. Don’t really have anyone outside my family to talk to.” He hated admitting that. He’d kept himself to himself at boarding school, too caught up in grief to really let anyone close. There were a couple of boys at university he was friendly with but they’d gone their separate ways. After that it wasn’t friends Robert was looking for. The only person he’d had was Pete and even they’d drifted apart when he’d left.

“Well I’m told I’m a good listener and your brother pays me well…” Something in his tone made Robert’s head snap up.

“I don’t want a friendship out of duty.” Robert got up, feeling his face start to flush. “This was a bad idea.”

“Wait! I didn’t mean...bloody hell...just wait!” He grabs Robert’s arm as he starts to walk away. “That’s not what I meant. It was a joke. I thought you’d laugh.”

Robert sighed, “I don’t make friends easily Aaron, sometimes I get lonely, you know.

“Yeah, course. I don’t have anyone to talk to either, except Debbie, but friends, us?”

“Why not? Because I live in a big house? I don’t care. There’s just something about you Aaron Dingle.” He shrugged, he’s felt so alone since he came back, except the short moments when he’s talking to Aaron and he doesn’t want it to end.

“People like you aren’t friends with people like me.”

“I don’t give a damn about that. Did you know my family has only lived here for three generations? My great-grandfather was born on Emmerdale Farm, you know up on the hill above the village?” Aaron nodded. “He wanted more than that, so he started working in the mills in Leeds, must have been in the right place at the right time, somehow he made his fortune in the wool trade. He never really left the village in his heart and he brought his family back here, bought Home Farm, and well, here we are. I don’t care where you come from, what class you are or who I am. If you want to be friends, I’d like that, but if not I’ll go and we’ll just stay as we are.”

“Trading insults?”

“If you like.” Robert huffed a laugh.

“Can’t say fairer than that I suppose.” Aaron shook his head laughing.

“Maybe you could teach me about cars?” Robert asked, as he ran his fingers over the car’s bodywork.

“Really? You?”

“Why not?”

“You want to get those no doubt expensive suits covered in grease and oil?” He scoffed.

“It looks interesting. You’ve got overalls or something, haven’t you?” It would also give him an excuse to spend time with Aaron to find out more about him. “Never know when it might come in handy.”

“For all those times you don’t have someone driving you wherever you want to go?”

“I’m not some rich layabout you know. I had a good job in London.”

“Which you gave up.” The teasing smirk was back.

“Yes, well, I also get bored easily. So come on, what do you say?”

“Will it shut you up?” Robert merely smirked back at him. “Go on then, it’s gotta be worth a laugh I suppose.” With that he threw the oiliest rag Robert had ever seen right at his face. He pulled it away to see Aaron laughing and he couldn’t help but smile at the sight and join in.

For the next week the two of them spent most days in the garage, whenever the car wasn’t in use. They talked more than worked but it was nice. Robert had already realised he was falling for Aaron, he just didn’t know whether to take a risk and act on it or not, and if he did, what would Aaron say?

~~~ * ~~~

“Where are you off to in such a hurry?” Victoria asked him as he got up from the breakfast table. It was just the two of them, Andy was away overnight and Diane ate her breakfast in bed.

“Aaron’s teaching me how to fix cars. He’s free this morning so I’m off to the garage.”

“What on earth do you want to do that for?”

“It’s fun, and interesting actually.”

“I don’t see the point. That’s what we’ve got Aaron for.” Robert frowned. Sometimes his sister acted and sounded so spoilt. She wasn’t like that as a child. Most of the time she was her happy go lucky self but other times there were airs and graces that Robert didn’t think suited her.

“One day the world will change Vic, and we won’t have people to do these things. Anyway it gives me something to do.”

“Er...Andy gave you a job!”

“That doesn’t even fill a quarter of my day, Vic. I’m bored. I enjoy it, is that so wrong?”

“No, course not. If you want to get dirty and spend your day looking at a stupid engine, who am I to complain.” He smiled and leaned down to hug her, pressing a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m glad you’re back you know.”

“Thank you. It’s not as bad as I thought it would be.”

He and Aaron have been working quietly for a while, Aaron giving him instructions when he needs them, but otherwise he’s quiet, the two of them not needing to fill the silences.

“You’re not that bad at this, you know.” Aaron tells him when he stands up stretching out his back and wiping his hands.

“From you I expect that’s high praise.” He says taking a seat next to him. His next comment could earn him a punch in the mouth but there’s something, he needs to know if Aaron might feel the same way as he does or if he’s wasting his time. If he was he’d get over it, be friends like he said. If not, well who knows. “So tell me Aaron Dingle, are you setting all the village girls hearts aflutter?” Aaron snorts, “What?”

He sees the war going on in Aaron’s head, whether to trust him and he goes to say it doesn’t matter but Aaron starts speaking, so quietly at first that Robert has to move closer to hear him.

“It’s not...I don’t...it’s not something people talk about.” He kept his gaze on the floor and Robert felt his heart skip, instinctively knows what he’s going to say, knows his hopes were right.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to tell me, not if you don’t want to, but I might understand more than you think.” That makes Aaron look up. “Trust me, Aaron, I’m not going to be shocked. I take it there was someone…” Something in his voice must make Aaron believe him because he starts talking again, expression a little less guarded.

“There was this lad, we were friends.” Robert didn’t speak, didn’t move, just waited. Aaron blew out a breath and continued. “Anyway I told him...you know...I could trust him, well I thought I could anyway, but then I tried to kiss him thought he wanted me to, but he didn’t, he told everyone what I’d done. I had to leave, was made clear what would happen if I stayed, so I came here, with Liv and Debbie, changed my name to Dingle, my Mum’s surname and started again.”

“God, Aaron. I don’t know what to say, that’s awful. I mean I know what it’s like to have to leave your home but...I’m sorry.” Robert knew about being sent away from home, could partly understand how Aaron felt but he had always known deep down that he could come home if he really wanted to. He’d stayed away out of choice in the end, it didn’t sound like Aaron had that option.

“It’s Liv I worry about, leaving everything she knew, the people in the village were all we had after my Dad and her Mum died. My Mum left years ago and I didn’t get on with my Dad. I can take care of myself, but Liv was still getting over losing them and then I take her away from it all. It’s my job to take care of her.”

“From what I’ve seen you’re doing a good enough job. She’s...interesting.” He grins, makes sure Aaron knows he’s joking. “Don’t put yourself down.” He reaches out, hand shaking, to brush a stray curl off Aaron’s forehead the temptation too much. Aaron watches, takes hold of his wrist and leans closer.

Robert doesn’t know what makes him do it, well no that’s a lie, he does, it’s because he’s scared, his head full of the past, of his Dad and what he’d think and all of a sudden it’s too much when Aaron leans in, cups his jaw in his work roughened hand and presses a soft kiss to his lips, Robert can’t stop himself pulling away, hates himself for it but can’t stop, can hear that voice again.

“Don’t.” It’s too much. He wants it, he does, but he can’t let himself. Before he can explain, Aaron’s pulled back, standing up ready to walk away. “Aaron, wait!”

“I need to get back to work, sir.” The word cuts through him and he watches Aaron turn away, back to his tools only the rigid hold of his spine gives away his upset.

“Aaron! Let me explain…” He ran his fingers through his hair in frustration. “If my family find out…”

“Oh I understand perfectly. I’m not going to be messed about. Now if you don’t mind, I have a job to do.” Robert can only watch as he stalks out of the garage, away from Robert. He knows there’s no point following, knows he’s messed it up as always.

He walked back to the house slowly, trying to gather his thoughts. He wanted Aaron, like he hadn’t wanted anyone before but as much as he could tell anyone he didn’t care what his family thought of him, he could hear that voice, his Dad’s voice, his disappointment. Most of all he’s ashamed, because he had known what he was doing, what he wanted Aaron to do and then he’d pushed him away. As he reaches the house he knows he has to find a way to make things right, he just doesn’t know how to do it yet.

~~~ * ~~~

Aaron hadn’t gone far, had heard Robert’s footsteps as he turned back to the house and knowing he’d gone, made his way back to the garage cursing himself for being so stupid. How after everything could he be so stupid. What made it worse was that he was sure Robert had wanted him, but he moved away and Aaron wasn’t going to hang around to have it all happen again. He could guess what would happen next, he’d been here before after all. He just hoped they wouldn’t have to leave again, he liked it here, didn’t want to upset Liv again.

“Aaron?”

“What are you doing out here, Debs?” He smiled as he saw his cousin. They’d been through a lot together, a shared childhood meant they were very close. Whenever Aaron’s Dad got fed up with him after his Mum left he’d run up the road to Debbie’s and her parents would take him in, let him stay as long as he liked or until his Dad came to find him.

“I bought you a flask, it’s cold today. I just saw Mister Robert looking angry. Apparently he and his brother had a huge fight in front of Miss Victoria the other day. She was right upset. Did you see him?”

“Yeah, unfortunately.” He carried on working, knowing Debbie well enough that if he looked at her she’d see right through him. They didn’t have many secrets, if any, she was the one person he could rely on.

“What happened?” He sighs, wipes his arm across his forehead and straightens up from the car.

“I might have kissed him.” He winces, knowing the outburst is coming.

“Aaron! Not again!”

“Debbie, I swear to you he wanted me to. It’s not like before, I was young and foolish then.” She arches an eyebrow at him and he huffs a laugh, “Yeah alright, more young and foolish! Still he did want me, then he pushes me away.”

“You can’t lose this job, Aaron. Be careful. The kitchen is full of gossip about him, about why his father sent him away. I don’t want you to be hurt again.”

Aaron smiles, he’s so glad he has her looking out for him. “I won’t. Doubt he’ll come anywhere near me anyway. Not if he knows what’s good for him. Thanks for the flask, go get back in the warm.”

~~~ * ~~~

Robert stood in the porch at the pub where Aaron was staying with his sister. It was a week since he’d pushed him away and he’d not seen him. He’d wanted to find him, to explain, but there was something stopping him and then he was scared Aaron would reject him. Now he was worried he’d left it too long. All he could see when he closed his eyes was Aaron’s disappointed and hurt face as he pulled away and he hated himself when he thought about that day and all he’d said before he’d messed it up.

He didn't know if this was a good idea or not but his feet had carried him here when he left on his walk. Hoping it would be Aaron who answered he knocked briskly on the door.

“Oh it's you!” Of course it would be Liv, who answered. He looked down to her with a smile.

“Good evening, Olivia. Is your brother in?”

“Why?” She stood, arms crossed a barrier between him and the hallway.

“I need to talk to him. You’re a nosy one aren’t you?”

“He’s been right grumpy the last few days. If you’ve upset him…” She amused him standing there, so protective of her brother. He’s about to speak when Debbie appears behind her, her face immediately telling him she knew everything that had happened.

“Evening, Debbie, I was just looking for Aaron.”

“Liv, go inside, I’ll be there in a minute.” She waits until the girl has gone before turning a piercing gaze on Robert. “What do you want with him? He told me what happened and you’d be best staying away. He doesn’t need upsetting again.”

“Surely that should be his decision. Look I just need to see him. He can’t avoid me forever”

“Don’t you think the fact he’s been avoiding you means he’s made his decision?”

“Debbie...please…”

“He’s been hurt before…” Her voice sounded small all of a sudden, frightened and it didn’t suit her. “He...we...had to leave. She likes it here, so do Aaron and I, I don’t want to have to move again.”

“You won’t, I promise.” He’d make sure they wouldn’t have to leave, not because of him.

“What good are promises if people come after him again? You know when they hurt him, he couldn’t work for a month. I could only help so much on my wages, my parents were gone, they had no one else. That’s why he lost his job.” Robert swallowed hard. He didn’t know it was that bad and his heart broke for the three of them, alone in the world, having to deal with that.

“I didn’t...he didn’t tell me.” It explained a lot.

“Well he wouldn’t, that’s just Aaron.”

“I’ll fix this. I won’t hurt him Debbie, you have my word, I won’t let him be hurt again. I just need to explain.”

“He's up at the cricket pavilion.” She tells him eventually. He smiled at her. He turned to leave, saw Liv at the window and laughed as she stuck her tongue out at him, back to her normal self it seemed.

“Thank you.”

Making his way over to the cricket pavilion, enjoying the sunshine, he encountered a few villagers who acknowledged him but didn't stop to chat. He was glad, he wasn't in the mood for a conversation, not with them at least. He found Aaron clearing away inside the pavilion thankfully alone.

“Didn't have you down as a cricket fan.” He quipped leaning on the door frame. Aaron turned to glare at him but didn't answer. “Aaron, I'm sorry.”

“Right.”

He stepped further inside letting the door close behind him. “You surprised me, that's all. I wasn't turning you down. If you’ll let me explain...”

Aaron dropped the cricket stumps in his hand and strode over to him. He stood so close Robert could easily lean in and kiss him but he didn’t dare try. “You made it perfectly clear how you felt. Now if you don't mind, I’m busy.”

“Don’t I at least deserve a chance?” He knew he was pleading but he had to make Aaron see, he couldn’t stand the thought of losing him before they’d even started.

“No I’ve been here before, messed around by someone who thinks they’re better than me. You want some kind of adventure to liven up your boring, privileged life? That’s up to you, but I’m not being used like that. Now if you don’t mind, I need to get on.”

“Aaron…” He didn’t know what to say, how to make him listen.

“Get out Robert! Before I lose my temper.” He didn’t even raise his voice and if anything that made Robert feel worse, he sounded almost defeated. He didn’t want to make him angrier, so he left, but he wasn’t giving up.

~~~ * ~~~

A week later and he hadn’t seen Aaron, had kept out of his way while he worked out what to say and the best way to approach him. He’d even taken a taxi when he needed to go into Hotten, rather than suffer an uncomfortable journey with Aaron driving him.

“Whatever is the matter?” He looks round to see Victoria staring down at him. He’s sitting by the window, lost in his thoughts, the newspaper just depressing him so it lay discarded on his knee.

“Nothing, Vic. I’m fine.”

“Hmm.” She sat across from him primly. “What happened to Aaron teaching you about cars? Did he get angry with you? He seemed very surly this morning when he brought Diane and I back from the station, couldn’t even smile!”

“Well we all have our bad days. Suppose it can’t be easy looking after his sister on his own, especially in the pub, it’s not the best of places.” He told her before she decided to ask Aaron herself, something he knew she was quite capable of doing.

“Still he could look happier. So come on, why aren’t you learning about cars anymore?”

“Hmm?” He’d gone back to thinking about Aaron. “Oh, you were right, not me at all.” He tries to smile at her triumphant teasing but he can’t. Obviously Aaron was as unhappy as he was. He had to think of a way of getting the infuriatingly stubborn man to listen to him.

The next morning straight after breakfast when he knew no one would be needing the car he headed round to the garage. Aaron was in his shirtsleeves, tinkering with something on the car and whistling. As soon as he looked up and saw Robert the scowl was firmly back in place.

“You again! What now? I’ve said all I’m going to say.” He threw his tools down on the bench with a clatter.

“You might, but I haven’t, so now you’re going to listen.” Robert stepped closer, the approach might not be the best but it was the only one he’d come up with. “Right?”

“Say what you want. Not like I can make you leave, you’re my boss, or near enough.”

“You think I’d use that against you, over this? Maybe you were right, I should go.” He could feel his face heating up. He couldn’t blame Aaron for his anger but it still hurt that he wouldn’t give him a chance.

“Oh for...say what you want to say if it’s so important.” Robert nodded, didn’t relax any but he sat down on one of the chairs. Aaron kept his distance over by the door, foot tapping impatiently.

“Everyone thinks I didn’t see my Dad again after I was sent away to school, but I did. It was about two, no three years ago. I have a flat in London, nothing special but it was home, paid for by him. I should be thankful he kept up my allowance or I’d have been lost, I know. Anyway…” he stopped, leans forward, gaze falling to the floor as the memories come flooding back. “Anyway one day, it was summer, it was so hot, he must have taken it upon himself to visit. Maybe he knew he was ill even back then, maybe he wanted to reconcile with me.”

“What happened?” Aaron finally comes closer, perches next to him on an old crate.

“He must have convinced the doorman to let him surprise me because there was a knock on the door. I assumed it was a neighbour, we all got on well enough, didn’t think anything of it, except there was my Dad.”

“And you were with someone?” It’s his voice that makes Robert look up, so soft and understanding. He nods.

“Yes. We’d been together a while, a few months maybe. I couldn’t think, I tried to get Dad to go, to meet me in the coffee shop down the road, but when did Jack Sugden ever take notice of his son. All I could do was hope he’d go before Connor came out of the bedroom to see where I was. We’d been…” He flapped his hand uselessly but sees Aaron nod quickly. “I knew he’d work it out straight away, one bedroom flat, I was barely dressed. He was many things but he wasn’t an idiot.”

“I’m guessing this Connor didn’t stay put?”

“No. It wasn’t his fault, he didn’t know. Anyway Dad...God, I really thought he was going to hit me...that might not have hurt so much. The things he said...to hear my Dad say those things Aaron…”

“I get it, you don’t have to go into details. It’s not right, Robert, he wasn’t right, whatever he said. You know that don’t you?”

“It doesn’t make it any easier though.”

“No. You never saw him again?”

“No, he left, said he didn’t want to hear from me again. I mean I hadn’t thought about coming back here but to know what he thought, what he might telI my family if I did ever come home. I only came back now because of Victoria. It’s still all there, every word he said, every time I...you’re the first man I’ve even had the courage to try and kiss since that day. I hear him every time. I’m sorry I pulled away…”

“I get it now.”

“Anyway, that’s all I wanted to say.” He feels drained, totally wrung out, needed to get away. He stood up, didn’t look at Aaron. “I’ll be off.”

“Are you always this dramatic?”

“It’s been said. I just wanted you to know why.”

“You don’t have to go anywhere.” Robert finally looks up sees Aaron has a small smile on his face, he isn’t angry or pitying him. He’s just there. He nods. “Come and sit back down.”

“Debbie told me. About what happened to you.” He feels as though he should be honest and tell him he knows. Aaron took a step back the shock clear on his face, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry they hurt you.”

“She shouldn’t have. I left that behind.” Robert watched as he wrapped his arms around his middle, protecting himself and Robert’s heart broke just a little.

“Don’t be angry with her. She loves you, wants to protect you. I shouldn’t have stopped you like that, I should have...I should have explained there and then. Aaron, I panicked.” Robert sank back down onto the chair, staring up at Aaron as he looked at him. Robert couldn’t read his expression.

“I get that. Do you think I don’t know how scary it is?” He stopped, rubbed his hands along his thighs a few times, seemingly working himself up to something. “I think it’s worth it...but if you don’t. I won’t be messed about again Robert. I can’t.”

“I won’t. Being back here...London is so different, freer somehow but here...here everyone knows me, most of them probably judge me. I told you I hear Dad’s voice, it’s louder somehow here.”

“That’s not going to go away though, is it? Are you going to let him ruin the rest of your life? Robert I had to leave my home because of other people and I can tell myself what they think doesn’t matter but it does...does it matter enough to make yourself unhappy because of it?”

“I’ve been thinking a lot this past week. I’ve tried so hard to get you out of my head, to do what my family, what my Dad would think is right, but I can’t. I don’t know what to do except try…” He mentally crosses his fingers, he’s honestly unsure whether he could walk away from Aaron again.

“I want to, I do...but if people find out, then what happens to me?” Robert shook his head, but he didn’t say anything. “I have Liv to worry about, and Debbie, she’s been through so much, they both have.”

“You won’t have to leave not because of me. If you ever wanted to go, I’d make sure you were safe, but I won’t let Andy sack you, or Debbie.” He took a chance, could ruin everything but he had to try, and reached out a hand, happy when it wasn’t slapped away. “I won't let anyone hurt you. You're safe here.”

“What about your family? I don’t think I could handle being pushed away again.”

“My problems with my family aren’t just about this. It wouldn’t be easy but we could try. If we both wanted to? I didn’t push you away because I didn’t want you. Quite the opposite. I can’t promise I won’t get scared, won’t believe everything my Dad said from time to time but I want to try.”

“Ok.” He was quiet, didn’t quite meet Robert’s eyes but his voice was sure, steady, and it made Robert smile. “If you’re sure.”

“I am. Should we start again?” Robert nodded, slowly reached out his hand, brushed the hair away from Aaron’s forehead, this time not pulling away as Aaron leaned in.

Somehow they sank to the floor, lips touching hungrily. Robert felt Aaron push his jacket from him, arms wrapping themselves around his waist. Robert managed to coordinate himself enough to start to unbutton Aaron's shirt, running his hands over his strong muscular back as he felt Aaron’s work worn hands through his own shirt. He didn’t pull away until he felt those hands start to untuck his shirt from his trousers. He put his own hands around Aaron’s stopping his movements.

“I’m not stopping,” He needed to reassure him. “I just...need a minute.” Aaron nodded and moved off his knees to sit on the floor, back against the brick wall behind him, arm loosely held around Robert’s shoulders, hand gently stroking his hair.

“Ok now?” He asked, Robert nodded. “This is mad.”

“Yeah. It’s not gonna be easy...I know that but like you said...it’s worth it.”

“We’ll have to find somewhere to meet...this isn’t the best place.” Robert laughed,

“Giving up already?” Despite the laughter in his voice, his face told Robert that he was worried. Robert grabbed his arm to stop him moving away.

“No of course not. Don’t take everything so literally.”

“Sorry...I’m just…” Robert shushes him with a kiss.

“What I mean is, we can’t exactly go courting like everyone else can we? You live at the pub with goodness knows who, and Liv, and I’ve got Andy on my back the whole time about finding some rich girl to marry.” Aaron laughs and Robert thinks it’s the best sight in the world as if all his troubles have vanished. He resolves to make it happen more often.

“We just have to be careful, I guess.” Aaron shrugged.

“Just let me think for a few days, I’ll come up with something. Do you have to be anywhere now?”

“Not for a while, why?”

“Just want to enjoy being with you a little longer.” He pulls out a silver pocket watch, checks the time. “I have a while before anyone misses me.” He doesn’t want to go, wants to stay here forever but he knows he can’t.

“Nice watch.”

“My mother gave it to me,” His breath hitches on his words, it still hurts so much to talk about her, “it was her father’s, gave it to me on my fifteenth birthday not long before she died.”

“I’m sorry.”

“S’ok. It was a long time ago.” It was but he still felt it just the same as the day he lost her.

“One day, maybe you’ll tell me about her,” Robert looks up, tears starting to form but he smiles, wants to tell Aaron everything, just wants someone to listen.

“I’d like that.” He would, but not now, he’s too emotional now to do it without falling apart.

“But not now when we’re short of time. For now, maybe we should do this.” Reading him perfectly and changing the subject, Aaron kisses him again and Robert lets himself melt into his arms, forgetting about everything else.

~~~ * ~~~

It’s a few days later when Robert hits on an idea for how they can meet. He’s in the library making his way through the tenants, trying to get to know them all when he comes across it. He goes in search of Andy, finding him in the sitting room reading his morning paper.

“Who lives in Pearson’s cottage?” It was a tiny cottage on the edge of the estate, but tucked away out of the village. It was barely big enough for its two bedrooms as Robert recalled. He didn’t know much about it but he knew it was named after his grandmother’s father.

“No one, it’s practically a ruin. Why?” Andy just stared at him as if he was crazy.

“No reason, I was just going over the tenants and that place wasn’t listed.” Robert could barely hold in his grin as he left the room, rushing straight outside heading for the garage, hoping to find Aaron. They’d met up plenty of times the past few days but only for snatched moments, too worried about being found to spend real time together.

“Aaron!” He called out as he turned into the garage.

“Hi. Thought you were busy all day.” Aaron stood up from bending over the car, wiped his hands and came over to close the doors before kissing Robert making him forget the real reason he’d come to talk to him. Eventually he forced himself to stop, but he couldn’t help the smile on his face.

“I was but I was thinking about the fact we never get any proper time alone and then I found a solution. It’s rather brilliant, even if I do say so myself.” He perches on the edge of the workbench. There’s not a lot in the garage, except for tools and the car and a couple of chairs, but he’s come to quite like it over the past few days.

“Yeah, ok, rein that ego in for a minute, and tell me!” Aaron drops into one of the chairs, laughing.

“You hate living at the pub, right?” Aaron nodded. He’d told Robert before how he hated leaving Liv there when he was working and she couldn’t be with him and there was no school. “Well, you know the cottage on the edge of the estate, I thought you and Liv could move in there. It’s out of the way enough that no one just passes by but it’s still close enough to the village.”

“It’s a wreck.”

“Yeah, now. If I can convince Andy to get it done up, you and Liv could move in. You get out of the pub and we have a place where we can spend time together without worrying.” Robert smiled, the thought of having Aaron all to himself was wonderful.

“You think your brother will agree?” Robert nodded, he could convince Andy, he knew he could. “Won’t he wonder why?”

“Leave it with me. If it’s done up it adds value to the estate. He won’t turn that down. He’s not that much of an idiot. I mean we’ve not had cars or a chauffeur that long I suppose but I see no reason why you can’t have the cottage. It’s closer to the house than the pub for one thing. I’ll sort it somehow. Now, how long have you got before you have to get back to work?” His mind was already full of plans for the cottage and ways to persuade Andy that it was a good idea, but he’d never turn down the chance of time alone with Aaron.

“About twenty minutes. Your sister wants taking into Hotten.” Aaron smirked up at him.

“She said something about new dresses. Come here then.” He grabbed Aaron’s hand, pulled him up from the chair to stand between his thighs, holding him close. “This is going to be perfect.”

~~~ * ~~~

Robert didn’t get a chance to talk to Andy about the cottage until later that afternoon. “I’ve been thinking about Pearson’s cottage. It might be worth doing it up you know.” Robert tried not to sound too eager. If his brother thought he really wanted something, he’d say no just to spite him.

“What’s the point? It’s so tucked away no one would want to live there. It’s a waste of money.”

“It’ll add to the value of the estate. Better to have a decent cottage than a wreck. Come on Andy.” He mentally crossed his fingers, knew that Andy could just be difficult about it. “Why not give it to Aaron? He has to come all the way up from the pub at night if we need him. The cottage is closer, and he shouldn’t be living in the pub and neither should his sister.”

“Why do you care so much?” Andy’s sneer is expected but it still stings, that people think so little of him. “You never used to bother about the tenants or the staff.”

“You put me in charge of the estate, Andy, you either want me to run it or you don’t. Aaron’s a good worker. For the record, I did used to bother, but then you and Dad decided I didn’t need to be included in those things, so I had no choice.”

“Alright, fine. Do what you like with the cottage. On one condition.” Robert waits, not giving him the satisfaction. “I want you at this dinner on Thursday.”

“I told you I’m not interested in marrying someone you consider suitable, but if it’ll keep you happy I’ll go. Don’t expect me to fawn all over his daughters though and don’t expect me to be nice to Emma Barton.” Robert can suffer one dinner with people he has no interest in if it means he and Aaron can get the cottage.

He didn’t get on with Emma at all, she’d never liked his mother and Robert could remember hearing his parents talk about her a lot. He probably shouldn’t dislike her because of that, the argument wasn’t his, but out of loyalty to his mother the dislike lingered.

He’ll suffer dinner with the family and make nice, even though Emma still does nothing but look down on his family. He’s just glad their eldest Ross won’t be there. The two of them have been enemies since their early school days and he has no interest in seeing him again. From what he’s heard he enjoys the high life, living it up in the city and making a general nuisance of himself, and when he’s home lording it over all their tenants. Robert knows he can be that way sometimes but Ross takes it to a whole new level. Pete will be there though, so at least he can talk to him.

~~~ * ~~~

The next morning he and Aaron wander over to the cottage. It isn’t quite as bad as Robert feared, but it’s still pretty bad. The roof is leaking, some of the windows are broken and the inside is basically a shell.

“It’s...it could be nice.” Robert tried to sound enthusiastic. “I mean it’ll take some work but there’s a man in the village who does all that for us. I’ll get him to come and take a look. Shouldn’t take long. If you like it that is.”

“This isn’t...I mean, it’s not because we’re…” He sighed. “I won’t be bought, Robert.”

“No! Aaron, no.” he protested, horrified that it was what the man thought. “I might not have thought about it if not for this...but you deserve a proper place to live, like the rest of the staff. I didn’t...I wouldn’t…”

“Sorry, I know you wouldn’t. This is...it’s still new and strange. Everything’s happening so quickly.”

“We can… this can wait, if it’s too much.” The last thing he wanted to do was rush him.

“No! It’s perfect, or it will be. I don’t want this because of us, I don’t want special treatment because we’re together.”

“It’s alright. I can see how it might look but I promise, this is yours for as long as you’re here, no strings attached.” Aaron nodded, “So what do you think?” His nerves are growing because Aaron isn’t saying anything he’s just looking around.

“Robert, it’s perfect, well it isn’t, but it will be. Are you really sure about this?”

“Absolutely. You and Liv deserve a proper home and this place is sitting here doing nothing. Andy should have sorted something better before now.” He stepped closer, winding his arms around Aaron, safe in the knowledge that no one ever comes out this way. “Think of it, cosy evenings, the fire roaring...Liv goes to bed early, right?” Aaron laughed.

“Yeah, sometimes. I’ll have to tell her. She’s not stupid but she knows she can’t be telling people, she saw what happened.” Robert unconsciously tightened his arms, hating to think of Aaron being hurt like that. “Aren’t your family going to wonder where you are when you’re here?”

“I doubt it. We’re not exactly the closest family. My sister might, although she’s too busy thinking about this lad she likes and Andy doesn’t care what I do.”

He knows that’s not exactly true, he will have to come up with a reason as to why he keeps disappearing because they will notice, but he’s determined not to worry Aaron about it. Not now at least, when he looks so happy.

~~~ * ~~~

Robert’s waiting in the hallway when his sister and stepmother come down for dinner. Victoria looks stunningly beautiful, just like their mother and he’s hit once again with how much of her life he’s missed out on. She kisses him on the cheek before going to speak to Andy, while Diane stands at his side. He’d forgotten all the formalities involved in a dinner party like this. Being children they never experienced one first hand but they’d sit at the top of the stairs and watch as everyone arrived and all the formality that went with it.

“Andy tells me you’re having Pearson’s cottage done up for young Aaron.”

“Well there’s no point it sitting in ruins, seemed like a good idea.”

“It must be hard bringing up his sister on his own like that. I know everyone downstairs likes her.” He smiles.

“She’s certainly interesting.” He looks up as he sees Debbie approaching him. “What is it Debbie?”

“Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid it’s Mr Barton, Ross Barton that is. I know he isn’t on the guest list but he insisted on being seen. I asked him to wait in the library.”

“Robert...Andy told me about you and him. I don’t want any trouble!” Diane warned. “I’d hoped by not inviting him we could avoid any drama.”

“There won’t be. I’ll deal with him. You wait for our guests, this won’t take long.”

When he gets to the library and sees Ross sitting in his desk chair, rifling through his paperwork he grits his teeth. “What do you want, Barton. You weren’t invited.”

“Just wanted to come and pay my respects. Oh wait, why would you care about that. Mother told me you weren’t even at the funeral. Jealous were we, that Andy got his hands on all this? Still you were never Daddy’s favourite were you, always Andy and poor little Robert left trailing behind.” Robert saw red, hauled Ross from the chair and slammed him up against the wall, enjoying the hiss of pain that came out of the man’s mouth.

“You don’t know anything about me. I’m not the kid you used to tease at school anymore!”

“Now now, calm down Robbie, we wouldn’t want people to walk in and hear me telling you what I know, would we?” Robert frowns, keeps his grip on Ross’s collar though, gives him another shove for good matter.

“What are you on about? I haven’t been here for years and I’ve not seen you anywhere! You know nothing about me anymore!”

“Hmm, I was at a loose end the other day, took a walk across the edge of your estate. I notice that Pearson’s cottage is coming along nicely.” Robert’s blood ran cold, “I just had to have a closer look. Whoever would have thought, Robert Sugden and the chauffeur...what would your father have said?”

“Have you finished?” He refuses to give him the reaction he wants, even though his Dad’s words come flooding back to him, not that they are ever far away these days.

“No but you will be if it were to be common knowledge, don’t you think? Be good to see the Sugdens brought down a peg or two.” Robert could hear the triumph in his voice and he felt sick. “Be a shame for poor Victoria and Diane though wouldn’t it, to be embarrassed like that.”

“What do you want?” Robert finally let him go, watched through a haze as Ross straightened his collar and smirked at him.

“Seeing you squirm is enough for now. It’s been too long. If anything else comes to mind I’ll be in touch. I’ll be seeing you.” With that he left. Robert dropped into the desk chair, head in his hands. Of all the people to see him and Aaron, it had to be Ross. He didn’t know what he was going to do but Ross didn’t make empty threats, Robert knew that, he just didn’t know how he could stop him.

“Robert?” He looks up at his sister’s worried face and tries to smile. “Debbie said Ross was here. What did he want?”

“Just to torment me, and he’d been drinking. Don’t worry, sis, he doesn’t bother me anymore. Come on, let’s get this over with.”

~~~ * ~~~

Robert worries all through dinner, although he figures it alleviates his boredom. It feels like the dinner party has been going on for days. He’s sat between his stepmother and Chrissie, one of the White daughters, while the other one is busy laughing at everything his brother says. Robert is enjoying the discomfort on his brother’s face immensely. Chrissie isn’t bad, she’s nice and friendly and as she’d sat down had leant in and whispered that she knew what her father's plan was and she wanted nothing to do with it. He had known she was a widow, but he hadn't known how short a time it had been since her husband's death. She wasn't ready to remarry. After that they started to get on even better and if Robert was honest he couldn't wait to see his brother’s face when he found out.

He’s managed to ignore Emma all night which he regards as a success and he’s got reacquainted with Pete. Pete and Robert were always good friends as children but that had waned when Robert had been sent away. They had written to each other every so often, but they were no longer as close as they once were. He looks to the other end of the table at a lull in conversation and watches his sister, confidently talking to everyone and he smiles. In the end Andy had allowed Victoria to invite Adam and she was beaming across the table at him.

At the other end of the table the vicar from the next village is banging on about the latest news from Europe and forecasting doom and gloom, none of which Robert particularly wants to hear. He busies himself with thinking about Aaron, something he finds himself doing a lot just lately.

He turns, hearing his sister laugh at something Adam said. He seemed nice enough to Robert. He can imagine what his Dad would think of it, his daughter and a farmer’s son. He’d caught Emma Barton making a few comments, but his time away from his family had taught Robert that there was more to life than marrying into the same class. If his sister was happy, he didn’t care about much else.

Once dinner was over and the guests had left, save for Pete who was chatting across the room with Andy. Victoria was saying goodbye to Adam, so Robert took a seat next to Diane, pulling at his tie and unbuttoning his top button on his shirt.

“Well that went well I thought. Vic seems happy.”

“Yes she does. It was a nice night, such a shame that the Reverend had to spoil it with all this talk about war and us having to join in. I hope not, it would break my heart if you boys had to go and fight, pet.”

“Don’t worry yourself. The Reverend has always been a doom monger. He used to scare us children every Sunday when he came for tea.” He shuddered just thinking about it. Thankfully there was a much better vicar in the village but the Reverend was an old family friend, hence the invitation.

He was just about to make his excuses and go to bed when there was a knock at the door and Debbie came in.

“What is it?” He asked. He could tell by the look on her face that something was wrong.

“Aaron needs to see you, he’s in the kitchen, sir.” He looks up sharply, it must be serious for Debbie to interrupt. He gets to his feet, ignoring the strange looks he’s getting.

“What is it, Robert?”

“Just something that needs sorting tonight. I’ll go, Andy, you stay here. I can manage.” He hopes he manages to sound calm, because on the inside his stomach is churning with worry. As soon as he leaves the room he turns to Debbie. “What’s happened?”

“Aaron. He had a run in with Mr Barton. I was outside getting some fresh air after supper and I heard them arguing. He’s in the kitchen. He’s alone, everyone else has gone to bed.” Robert nods, heart already sinking. He thanks her before going into the kitchen. Aaron is standing at the sink, water running over his hands, staring out of the window in the darkness.

“Aaron?” He speaks softly, doesn’t want to spook him. He doesn’t turn round, doesn’t even indicate that he heard him. “What’s happened?”

“I told her not to get you.”

“Well luckily your cousin has more sense. Are you going to look at me?” Eventually he does and Robert has to hold in a gasp. Aaron’s knuckles are red and split and he already has a black eye forming around a cut near his eyebrow. “Come here.”

He pulls out a chair from the table and manhandles Aaron into it, before crossing to the sink and running a bowl of warm water. He goes back to Aaron, pulling his clean handkerchief from his pocket and kneeling down, not caring one bit about his suit getting dusty from the kitchen floor.

“It’s not that bad. Doesn’t hurt that much. Just didn’t want Liv to see.”

“Hmm, looks like it hurts to me,” Robert tells him as Aaron winces when Robert gently cleans the cut above his eye. “Want to tell me what happened? Debbie said it was Ross Barton.” Robert wasn’t sure if Aaron even knew who he was although Ross was always a subject of village gossip.

“I didn’t know who he was. Heard of him, in the village. He was poking around the garage when I went to put the car back. I thought he might be up to something.”

"They own Connelton Hall, he’s the middle son and his mother’s favourite.”

“He said he saw us. Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t know he’d seen us until a few hours ago! What did he say to you, Aaron? Something, obviously judging by the state of you.” Robert knew just how good Ross was at winding people up.

“He said he’d seen us and we argued a bit and he was ranting about how he’d love to get one over on you and then he was talking about Debbie, and Liv. I don’t know how he knows about Liv, guess there’s always talk in the village. That’s when I hit him.”

“He threatened them?”

“Not explicitly but I got the message. I didn’t really give him the chance to say any more.”

“I’m sorry. He came to see me before dinner. If I’d thought he’d make trouble I’d have found you and told you.” He stares as Aaron gets up, starts to back away from him. “What’s the matter?”

“If you want me to leave...you can’t have someone working for you who goes round hitting people.” He still doesn’t look at Robert and he feels his heart break a little at Aaron’s lack of confidence.

“Why wouldn’t I? It’s not your fault that Ross is a bit of a bastard. It’s me he hates Aaron, he always has, and he’s using you and your family to get to me. You’re not going anywhere. How badly hurt is he?”

“Busted lip, he got me better than I got him. You think he’ll go to the police?” This time he looks up, frightened eyes meeting Robert’s.

“Hey, listen, that’s not going to happen. From the sounds of it, you came off worse than him, he’s hardly going to drop himself in it.” Robert would make sure of it.

“Do you think he’ll say anything? I can’t go through that again, Robert, people finding out, I can’t.” Robert takes a chance, wraps his arms around him, can feel him shaking.

“It’s alright. You’re safe, I promise. He won’t say anything...well not until he’s taunted me with it no doubt. If he wanted to do it he’d have said something when he came to the house earlier, when he had an audience. I know enough about him from what I heard while I was away to make sure he says nothing.”

“I guess I’ll have to trust you then.” Aaron sounds doubtful but Robert can’t reassure him anymore when he’s just as worried himself.

He lets Aaron go, moves to hold his hand, needing some kind of contact. “Won't be long until we can be on our own, let’s not worry about anything else.” They sit in silence for a while, Robert knows it's risky, sitting here holding on to Aaron’s hand when anyone can come in.

“You look very fancy in this…” Aaron flicks the lapel of his dinner jacket. “Did the rich widow fall for your charms?”

“Is that a little bit of jealousy I hear?” Robert can't help but tease, rubbing his thumb over Aaron’s hand. “She's a lovely woman I'm sure but she's no more interested in me than I am in her, not that I intend on telling Andy that for a while. Why would I be interested in her when I have you?” He sees Aaron stiffen, turns to look behind him, pulls his hand away.

“Diane sent me to see if everything was alright.” Pete says, his eyes not leaving Robert’s. “What happened?” He asked, the concern was clear to see.

“Ross happened.” Robert told her, knowing Pete disliked Ross as much as he did.

“Who’s this?” He frowned, staring at Aaron.

“Pete, this is Aaron, our chauffeur. Aaron, this is Pete, Ross’s older brother and my friend.” Robert saw Aaron tense again. “It’s alright, he’s no more a fan of Ross than I am, isn’t that right Pete? He kept me in touch with his darling brother’s antics while I was away.”

Pete nodded, looking confused. “That’s right. So...you…”

“You can’t tell anyone.” Aaron interjected, looking nervous.

He looks at Robert who stares right back, putting his hand back into Aaron’s. He trusts his friend. “I won’t. None of my business.” Robert let out a breath he’d been holding. He’d been reasonably sure he was right but even so he’d been worried.

“It’s alright, I trust him, more than I do my own family. He’s not going to say anything. You’re not going to be hurt again.” He ignores Pete’s questioning look, resolving to speak to him later. “Pete, would you give us a minute, there’s some scotch in the library you’ll like. I’ll be there soon.” He waits until he’s gone before turning back to Aaron. “I promise, everything will be alright. Trust me.”

“I don’t have a choice but to trust you. I should get back to Liv.” He didn’t move, seemingly reluctant to leave, and Robert was just as reluctant to let him go, but he knew he had no alternative.

“I’ll come and find you tomorrow.” He kissed him, feeling Aaron relax against him, before resting his forehead against Aaron’s, taking one more minute of closeness before they had to part. “Don’t worry.”

When Aaron had gone, Robert splashed his face with some water, preparing himself before he faced his friend, then made his way up the back staircase to the library, hoping to avoid anyone else. He found Pete sitting in front of the fire in the library, two glasses of scotch sitting on the table. Robert strode over, grabbed one of them and knocked it back, grimacing at the burn in his throat.

“Alright, steady on!”

“God, I needed that.” He slumped onto the wing backed chair behind him, sighing. “Fun night, huh?”

“Well you never did do things by halves did you? So, Aaron? How long’s that been going on?”

“Properly, about three weeks, no not even that. You won’t say anything will you? We can’t risk it. He’s been hurt before, where he lived before he came here, they beat him up, and well…” He trails off, can’t bear to think of Aaron hurt like that.

“You know you can trust me.” Of course he does. Pete’s one of the only people he trusts completely. He was who he ran to when he found out what his father and Andy had kept from him, what his Dad had done. Apart from Aaron now, Pete had always been the one he talked to.

“I know I can.”

“You’re happy.” It wasn’t a question Robert realised. Pete knew him well enough even after so long to be able to see how happy Aaron makes him.

“I am.”

“I’m glad. I don’t know what we can do about Ross though.”

“Between us we know enough to stop him making it public, or going to the police about Aaron hitting him...I don’t want you to have to go against your brother, so I’d like to avoid that, but if I have to I’ll use what you’ve told me.”

“Ok. I’ll talk to Ross. No promises, you know what he’s like but I’ll try. I take it no one else knows?”

“Aaron was going to tell his sister, I don’t know if he has yet, and Debbie his cousin knows, that’s it.”

“And he’s worth all this trouble is he?”

“He’s everything.” That was the only way Robert could put into words what he felt for Aaron. He’d not had the courage to tell Aaron yet, feeling it was way too soon, but he had to let his friend know how serious he was, how important Aaron was.

~~~ * ~~~

“Ah Robert, there you are!” He hears Diane’s voice call out as he passes the sitting room door a few days later. Thankfully since the dinner party they’ve had no more run ins with Ross and Aaron is finally starting to relax again. They’ve just spent lunchtime together and Robert knows he has a smile on his face.Backing up he pokes his head in, straightening up when he sees Chrissie White sitting across from his stepmother. “We were just talking about you.”

“All good I hope.” He crossed the room and bent to kiss Chrissie’s cheek in greeting before taking a seat.

“Of course. Well I need to discuss dinner with Mrs Ladderbanks, so I’ll leave you to it.” Diane got to her feet and swept out of the room after saying goodbye to Chrissie. Robert just shook his head at her lack of subtlety.

“So...you’re a long way from home.” He’s struggling to think of something to say. They got on well at the dinner but they really don’t have a lot in common as far as he can tell.

“I had some business in Leeds and my father wanted me to call to say thank you to Diane for the dinner last week.”

“I think he's as bad as my family for being subtle.” He'd been shrugging off his family's comments about how well the two of them had got on all week.

“I know, he just won't listen. I’ve told him I’m not ready to remarry but he just won’t take any notice.”

“Well there is an argument to be made that we give them what they want.” His mind was working overtime, a plan forming that just might work in keeping his family off his back for a while.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I know I could do without being told it's time I settled down, you want your father off your back...maybe we should let them think they’re right.”

“So what do you suggest?”

“Just the odd lunch, as friends obviously, though they don't need to know that. We could start now, maybe a walk in the gardens before you leave? After a while we just tell our families that it wasn't right, no harm done.” He got to his feet and held out his hand.

~~~ * ~~~

Aaron was cleaning the car when Robert walked over to the garage the next day. It was lunchtime. He had an open invitation to eat his lunch in the kitchens with the other staff but he couldn’t face it, not today. Lately he and Robert had spent most of them together so it wouldn’t appear odd that he wasn’t there.

“What do you want?”

“Do I need an excuse to see you?”

“Look I'm busy today, your brother wants taking all over, so I've a lot to do.” Aaron wanted to keep his head down and not look at him, knows his resolve will weaken as soon as he does. He knows Robert isn’t going to go away. “Well...what did you want?”

“Wondered if you fancied meeting in the pub later. I’ve a meeting in Hotten this afternoon but I’ll be back by about six.” Robert shrugs and Aaron can’t help but sigh. They didn’t often go to the pub, too many people around poking their noses into everything and they had to be so much more careful there. “Alright, what? I’ve obviously done something that I know nothing about so could you just tell me?”

“Sure you’ve got time to be meeting me in the pub?” He gets up, walks towards Robert, crowding him against the wall. “Sure you haven’t got to be meeting the rich widow again?”

“What the hell are you on about?” Any other time, Aaron would probably laugh at the clueless look on Robert’s face.

“I had to take her to the station yesterday afternoon. She’s very nice. I can see why you like her.”

“I don’t...we get on, that’s all, nothing else.”

“Very chatty she was.” Aaron threw the cloth he was using into the bucket of water, splashing Robert’s shoes. “Told me all about how nice you were an’ all.”

“Aaron you’ve got the wrong end of the stick.” He could hear the panic in Robert’s voice, didn’t care to see it mirrored on his face so he stayed turned away.

“I’m not stupid, Robert. I might not be a country gent like you…”

“Enough. You know damn well I don’t care about that. Chrissie was just...will you let me explain?”

“Do I have a choice?”

“She was trying to start gossip. Look it was my idea.” Aaron looks up, watching as Robert ran his hand through his hair, making Aaron bite his lip. Despite his anger Robert could always make Aaron want him. “I was going to tell you last night, but I couldn’t get away.”

“I get it, I mean, this is...good, what we have, but it can’t go anywhere can it? We can’t tell anyone, can’t go anywhere together, properly, can we? Must have been nice to be able to be with her out in the open.”

“What? Aaron...no! It’s not…”

“I’m just a chauffeur. I can’t give you what she can...money, status...I just thought you’d have the decency to tell me first.”

“Aaron, Chrissie and I aren’t...we’re friends, not even that really. As for what she can give me...I have money, Aaron, I don’t need hers, and I couldn’t give a damn about status. Come on…”

“I don’t want details. Now if you don’t mind, your brother pays me to do a job.” He moved past Robert, shrugging off the hand he puts on Aaron’s arm and goes back to cleaning the car.

He wasn’t lying, he did have work to do but it wasn’t so urgent that he couldn’t have listened but he couldn’t be near Robert right now. He needed to be alone. Thankfully he heard him leave and he was alone with his thoughts. He did know how much Robert liked him, he believed him when he said it but the hiding and difference in their backgrounds left him feeling insecure and hear what she said had only made it worse.

For the next few hours he was alone with his thoughts as he went about his work ferrying Andy backwards and forwards, having plenty of time to think. He tried not to think about Robert but it was impossible. After everything he’d thought he could finally be happy, but obviously the world had other plans for him. At the end of his day he headed back to the garage and found a note from Robert asking him to meet at the cricket pavilion that evening. He knew he would go, he deserved more of an explanation at least.

An hour later he walked up the slope to the pavilion, glad there was no one in sight. Robert was already waiting, sitting on the steps outside.

“Go on then. Say what you have to say. I’m tired and hungry.”

“Aaron, there is nothing going on between me and Chrissie, I swear to you.”

“I know what I heard, Robert.” He drops down onto the steps, exhausted both by his day and his upset.

“You shouldn’t have heard that, at least not without me explaining. None of this would have happened if I could have got away last night. Look, Chrissie’s father wants her to marry, Andy and Diane are on at me to find someone suitable, so I suggested we act like we were courting.” Aaron turned to look at him, searching for something, a sign perhaps that he was lying. He didn’t even know if he’d be able to tell if he was. “Probably not my best idea.”

“Probably?”

“Yeah, alright. Look it was a spur of the moment thing. It was stupid and I’m sorry. I promise, we’re just friends...not even that. I’ve met her twice. It was a stupid idea to get our families off our backs for a while. It was her idea to create some gossip and we both know that the staff is the best place to start. If I’d known she’d tell you, that you were driving her back I’d have made sure to tell you beforehand.” Aaron nodded, he knew most gossip started in the kitchen. “I was going to tell you, Aaron, I swear.”

“Alright, I believe you. If...you would tell me if you didn’t want this…”

“Never going to happen, but yes, if it’ll put your mind at rest, I’d tell you. I’ve told you before I’ve liked men and women in the past but it’s you I want. I’ve never felt like this with anyone else before. I’m sorry. I’m an idiot.”

“Oh I know.” He looks around, makes sure they’re not in sight of anyone. “Wanna go inside for a minute. You did drag me all the way out here.” Robert smiles at him, shakes his head and gets to his feet to follow him.

~~~ * ~~~

Robert’s jaw drops as he walks into the cottage. It felt like ages since he’d started things rolling on it even though it was only a few weeks. It was almost a month since the dinner party and still neither of them had heard from Ross again. Robert had heard from Pete that his brother had been suitably cowed by the threat of people and his mother finding out about his misdeeds, but Robert wasn’t under any illusions that it would last.

Despite that, since the misunderstanding about Chrissie, Robert and Aaron had become even closer, and now they were just looking forward to the cottage being ready. The building work was finally finished, things not as bad as they had seemed originally, and now all that was left to do was paint the walls and move Aaron and Liv in. He’d found a packing case full of pans and cutlery in one of the attics and had brought them over.

He put the box down before he dropped it at the sight in front of him. Aaron whitewashing the interior walls, having stripped off his shirt, braces hanging down by his sides. It’s a hot day and Robert can see the sweat glistening on his back when his muscles flex as he works. He must make a sound because Aaron turns and smiles.

“Hey.” He puts down the brush and wipes his hands. “What do you think”?

“Looks good. Won’t be long now before you’re all moved in. It’ll be good to have a place we can spend time together, won’t it? Be alone.” He wants to take Aaron in his arms, wants to do all manner of things but he knows some of the staff have been helping out, can’t risk it, not yet.

“We’re alone now.” Aaron’s hands find his hips, he’s close enough for Robert to kiss and it takes all his willpower not to. He’s constantly amazed by how Aaron makes him feel. He’s the first person to make him feel this way and it’s intoxicating.

“Anyone could walk past.” He takes a few steps back. He’s still nervous about Ross, can’t help it, not to mention anyone else coming past.

“I know for a fact your family are off in Hotten for the day, Debbie said and it’s my day off. So get over here and kiss me.”

“God you’re demanding.” He can’t resist any longer, but he does make sure the door is locked. At long last he takes Aaron in his arms, kissing him deeply hands running all over his naked back. It occurs to him that it’s the first time he’s touching Aaron properly and he can’t help the moan that escapes him. Aaron’s hands are in his hair, on his neck and it’s overwhelming. Eventually they pull away, breathing heavily, staring at each other.

“That was…”

“Yeah...it was. Aaron…”

“Robert, what is it? There’s no one around, honestly.”

“It’s not that, it’s this...I.” Aaron’s hand is warm on his back, comforting.

“Is it still about your Dad?” Robert can feel his cheeks grow hot and he ducks his gaze away.

“Partly. That doesn’t just go away because I told you about it. It’s not you, I swear.”

“I know that. Come on sit down for a bit.” Aaron gently pulled him towards the small sofa that had also come from the attic in the house. “We’ll do this at our speed, ok, we’ve got all the time in the world.”

“I’m being stupid, I know…”

“Soft lad.” Aaron runs his hands through Robert’s hair, lets him rest his head on his shoulder. They sit in silence for a few minutes before Aaron nudges Robert up. “I should get back to this, you’re distracting me!”

“Can I help?” He took off his jacket, the cottage warm in the heat.

“Um...the windows need cleaning, but you can’t…”

“Do you I’m useless? No don’t answer that. Trust me, Dad made sure both Andy and I knew the meaning of hard work, even Victoria had to do her bit around the estate. Give me the bucket.”

~~~ * ~~~

While the two of them were working on the cottage, Victoria and Diane were enjoying the afternoon in Hotten.

“I think Robert seems happier these days. I don’t know him well but do you think he is?” Diane asked her stepdaughter before biting into her dainty sandwich.

“I think so. I missed him so much, I don’t want this bad blood between him and Andy to make him leave again.” She knew something had happened between the brothers before Robert had been sent to school but she didn’t know what. Nobody told her anything.

“He seems to have become friends with young Aaron and he seems to have started messing around with the car again. Maybe he just needed someone to talk to.”

“He has me!” Victoria protested.

“Of course he does, pet, but he needs friends of his own. It might good for him.” She smiled at her step-daughter. “Such a shame neither he nor Andy want to settle down. Andy needs an heir. I thought maybe Robert might take a liking to Chrissie but after they went off together that day she called in he’s not seen her. Still there’s plenty of time, I suppose.”

“Maybe not if the war comes. Adam told me his father says it’s inevitable. Diane I wanted to talk to you about him...” Victoria trailed off as she saw her step-mother’s distress.

“Victoria, I don’t want to hear another word about a war! I won’t hear of it! Now come along, I want to go home now.” She got to her feet after paying the bill and she swept out of the cafe hurrying to their waiting taxi.

~~~ * ~~~

Robert and Aaron were enjoying a cup of tea and sandwiches after a couple of hours hard work. They were dusty and dirty but neither of them cared as they sat on the sofa once more. They had finished cleaning, painting and were back to lounging on the sofa, enjoying each other’s company

“I should get back, Vic and Diane will be back soon.” He sighed, he didn’t want to go, wanted to stay here forever with Aaron. “Should get cleaned up, they’ll wonder what I’ve been up to!”

“Yeah you’re not exactly your immaculate self, that’s for sure. Still look pretty good to me though.”

“God I could kiss you right now.”

“Why don’t you then?” Aaron teased. Robert grinned, to hell with getting back, he shuffled closer and kissed him, first on the forehead then on the lips, sighing as he did.

“Robert? Robert are you there?” Robert pulled his lips from Aaron’s, eyes wild at hearing his sister’s voice.

“Fuck, it’s Vic.” He jumped to his feet, tried to rearrange his clothes as Aaron calmly got to his feet and unlocked the door.

“Robert! What on earth have you been doing? Look at the state of you.” She ran her eyes over him, suit covered in dust. “Hello, Aaron.” Aaron nodded and Robert could tell he was holding in a laugh.

“What are you doing all the way out here, Vic?”

“It’s Diane, you have to come. I can’t find Andy.”

“What happened?” He sighs, not wanting to get involved in family drama.

“I may have mentioned the war...just what Adam said to me…” She looked sheepish and Robert wrapped an arm around her shoulder. He knew she was worried too.

“Vic! You know how she feels about that. Come on.” He gestures for her to leave, looks at Aaron. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Aaron.” He tries to convey with his eyes what he wants to say, he knows Aaron understands but Robert hates this, he wants to be able to be with him whenever he wants, no threat of being discovered, no family dramas, just him and Aaron. “Come on you, let’s go and undo your damage.” He hooks his arm into his sister’s as they walk back to the house. “What did you say?”

“We were talking about you, and Andy and then I wanted to talk to her about Adam...it just came out.”

“What about me and Andy?” He stopped, turned her to face him.

“Just that you seemed happier, you haven’t been fighting so much. She said about you being friends with Aaron. I...you never talk to me anymore. What did I do?”

“Oh Vic, you didn’t do anything. I still feel like I’m finding my way, I was gone so long and Andy doesn’t want me here, no matter how nice we play it. We’ll spend some proper time together soon, I promise.” She nods and he hugs her, can’t bear seeing her upset.

When they got to the house, Debbie was waiting in the hallway. “I can’t get Mrs Sugden to answer me, sir. I was asking if she’d like some tea.”

“Thank you Debbie. I’ll go up to her but tea would be lovely, for all of us.” When she’d gone, Robert turned to his sister. “You stay here for a bit, ok?” When she nodded he climbed the stairs before knocking on the door to his stepmother’s room, relieved it’s not the room his Mum used, the memories would be too much. “Diane, it’s Robert, can I come in?”

When she agreed he opened the door, finding her sitting on the chaise longue beside the window, dabbing at her eyes with a tissue. Robert sat next to her, taking her hand.

“Vic didn’t mean to upset you.”

“I know she didn’t pet, but this talk of war...all I can think of is Andy and you having to go and fight. I know you and I don’t know each other very well but I think of you like a son, the same as Andy. I care about you both so much and the thought of you having to go breaks my heart.” Robert finds he has a lump in his throat. He’s ashamed to say he’s not given the woman in front of him much thought over the years or since he returned but she’s been nothing but nice to him. “Is it selfish to want to keep you both here, with me and your sister?”

“Of course not. I don’t want to fight, and anyway it may not happen. Let’s not worry about it until we have to.” She reached out and patted his cheek and he smiles.

“You know I think your sister might be more than a little sweet on this Adam. I don’t think wedding bells are far away. Hopefully Andy won’t stop them.”

“He won’t. He adores her as much as I do.” Robert would make sure he didn’t, wouldn’t let anything stop his sister’s happiness.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you, pet. Do you think Andy is alright?” He seems so preoccupied. I’m quite worried about him. Has he said something to you?” Robert almost laughed, just managed to stop himself. He doubted he’d notice if there was something wrong and Andy certainly wouldn’t tell him.

“I’m the last person he’d confide in, but no, he’s not. I’ve not noticed anything. I can try talking to him if you want?” It wouldn’t achieve anything. They barely spoke, only about estate business and that was rare. Robert didn’t think things would ever be right between them, not now.

“No, I don’t want him to think I’m interfering. He’s probably just adjusting to his newrole. Must be difficult for him and with him on his own, just like you.”

“Don’t worry, we’re both fine.” He hopes he’s reassured her, doesn’t want to have to carry on the charade with Chrissie, not now he knows how Aaron’s feeling.

“What about you? I saw you getting on well with Chrissie at the dinner party…and you seemed friendly when she called in.” She looked so hopeful, Robert had to stop himself laughing and he felt bad about deceiving her. He hadn’t been able to keep up the pretence after upsetting Aaron so he’d not bothered contacting Chrissie again. He’d just have to keep putting his family off when they mentioned it.

“No, she’s not ready for another marriage, no matter what her father says. You never know I guess. I’m happy as I am for now.” He wasn’t lying, not really, he was perfectly happy with Aaron.

“You know your father would be proud of you, coming back here, helping your brother.” Robert doesn’t say anything, he knows she’s wrong, knows nothing could be further from the truth, but he can’t tell her.

“I don’t know about that. Anyway shall I send Vic up to you? I know she’s feeling bad for what she said.” She nodded and he got up. “I’m just going to go for a walk, er, clear my head a bit. I’ll be back for dinner.”

He doesn’t go anywhere except to his room. He wants to be alone, even being with Aaron won’t help him, there are too many things running through his head, too many bad memories. He picks up the photo frame that’s beside his bed, of his mother and him as a little boy, dressed up for some function or other, he doesn’t remember. He remembers how it felt to sit with her in her room, watching her at her dressing table. He’d watch for hours as she and her maid got her hair and jewellery just right, just wanting to spend time with her, wherever she was.

His father could never understand it. It wasn’t as though Robert hadn’t spent just as much time with his father, learning the running of the estate but it was never going to be him who had the responsibility, would always be Andy, so Robert had always felt a bit of a spare part. He’s missed her the whole time he’s been away, of course he has, but the emptiness has only increased since he’s been back and he can do nothing to make it go away.

~~~ * ~~~

Robert hasn’t seen the cottage since it’s been finished. He couldn’t be there all the time he knew that. He’d seen Aaron, of course, they’d met up at the garage when they could, nobody but Aaron ever going out there. He knew Aaron was worried about him, knew he’d been distant ever since he’d talked to Diane but he couldn’t shake the feeling of loneliness that thinking about his mother caused.

He couldn’t help but smile as he approached, the stone almost glinting in the sunshine, the front door freshly painted a dark green and he could see curtains at the windows. He knew that Debbie and the cook had been helping out with sewing and such and it looked like they’d done a good job. The door was open so he stepped up to the doorway and took in the changes. The walls were whitewashed making everything bright and the windows were sparkling clean, framed with the curtains. The slate floors had been scrubbed and he noticed a bright rug covering the floor in the sitting area. Added to the furniture that had been found in the attics it left the cottage looking homely and cosy rather than small. Robert liked it already. Home farm was too big now, after years in his small flat. This was nice and he was looking forward to spending time here with Aaron whenever he was invited.

“Anybody home?” He called out and heard footsteps on the stairs. Liv came bounding into the room, stopping abruptly when she saw him. He’d not seen much of her so she was still a little cautious around him. “Hello Olivia.”

“It’s Liv!” She snapped. “What are you doing here?”

“I came to see how you and your brother were settling in. Is he here?” He wanted Liv to like him, even if he found her annoying. He was being selfish in wanting Aaron all to himself, but she was here so he had to try, for Aaron’s sake if nothing else.

“He’s upstairs.” As she said it the man in question appeared, face blessed with a smile that Robert could honestly say made his knees feel a little weak. “I’m going to see Debbie and Mrs Ladderbanks, she said I could make biscuits.”

“Well make sure you don’t eat them all, greedy guts. I’ll come and fetch you for tea, alright? Don’t be walking through the woods on your own.” Aaron shook his head as she skipped down the path away from the house, before he turned to Robert. “What can we do for you then?”

“I thought I’d come and check the place out.” He grinned at Aaron, couldn’t contain it, the thought of a place they could be themselves, where they didn’t have to hide. “Our own little hideaway.”

“Thank you, for this. Liv has a home, you have no idea how grateful I am for that.”

“Hey, you both have a home, and anyway I didn’t really do anything. The place was standing empty. Better that it’s lived in. I know you didn’t like Liv being at the pub so this is perfect.” Robert stepped closer and held Aaron close, enjoying the feel of his body against his. “You going to show me around then?”

“It isn’t that big, not much to see!” Aaron laughed.

“I know that, but it’s already more homely to me than I’ve felt anywhere for years, so come on give me a tour.” He watches as Aaron locks the door, just in case, and follows him as he heads back into the small kitchen. Aaron’s right, it’s small but there’s enough room for the stove, a sink and a table and chairs. Robert made sure that the fixtures were as up to date as would fit in the cottage, wanting everything to be perfect.

Eventually Aaron takes his hand, leads him up the small staircase. At the top there’s a small landing, with doors to a tiny bathroom and the two bedrooms. They pass by Liv’s room and Aaron pushes open the door to the biggest room. It’s just big enough for the double bed, and a dresser. Robert notices the brightly coloured quilt that tops the bed, something he knew Debbie had been working on for her cousin. It wasn’t very Aaron, him not being one for bright colours but it was obviously made with love.

Noticing some photos on the dresser he walks over to it, looking at them more closely. One he guesses is of Debbie and her parents, and there’s one of Aaron and Liv and then one of a dark haired woman that from the shared features has to be Aaron’s mother.

“Is that your Mum?” Aaron doesn’t talk about her much, Robert knows she left when he was young and he has no idea where she is, he knows nothing more than that. Aaron comes up behind him, slides his hands round his waist as he looks at the photograph.

“Yeah, it’s all I have of hers, except a ring that she gave me before she left. She just gave it to me one day and then the next she was gone. It was her father’s.”

“Do you mind me asking what happened to your Dad and Debbie’s parents.”

“My father had an accident at work and died. After that Liv’s Mum just stopped living. I tried everything I could to get her to carry on for Liv, but nothing I said made a difference. She just wasted away in front of us. Debbie lost her parents to influenza about two years before that, came to live with us.”

“How on earth did the two of you manage to get through all of that.”

“We had each other. I had to take care of Liv.” Aaron shrugged. “Didn’t have a choice.”

Robert turned round in his arms, wiped away the tear that had made its way down Aaron’s cheek. “Lay down with me.”

“I…”

“Just lay with me. You’re upset, let me look after you.” Robert took off his jacket and toed off his shoes before reaching out to push Aaron’s braces from his shoulders. He knelt in front of him and helped him take off his boots before the two of them lay next to each other on surprisingly comfortable bed. Robert gently pulled Aaron into his arms so he was resting his head on his shoulder and held him tight. “I’m sorry I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No I want you to know, it’s just...a lot of memories. My Dad and I, we didn’t get on. He didn’t do anything, well he clipped me around the ear a few times, like most kids get I suppose, but he didn’t want me, not after Mum left. I used to wish he’d let me go and live with Debbie’s parents but he didn’t, wouldn’t hear of it. I suppose I wouldn’t have Liv if he had though. I don’t want to talk about him anymore.” Aaron sniffed but didn’t elaborate. Robert didn’t push. “What about you? You want to tell me why you’ve been weird lately?”

Robert shifts uncomfortably. “Just something Diane said the other day, got me thinking about my Mum.” He rested his cheek against the top of Aaron’s head.

“Do you want to talk about her?”

“I…” He doesn’t know what to say, it’s been so long since he’s talked about her, really talked, but he wants to. He wants to tell Aaron everything about her, how wonderful she was, all the little things she did.

“When was the last time you did?”

“Probably a few years ago. Before that, to Pete before I left. No one else talked about her after she died. Then my father sent me away. I was fifteen Aaron.” He heard his voice crack, his eyes were burning with tears. “I just wanted my Mum.” He felt Aaron shift, the next thing he knew Aaron was holding him, arms wrapped tight around him, covers pulled over them both.

“It might help to talk, I’d like to hear about her, if you want to that is…”

“I do...I just...don’t know where to start.” It felt nice laying here wrapped up in Aaron’s arms, his firm, solid body pressed against him, making him feel safe, wanted.

“Start wherever you want.” Aaron’s voice is warm and soft and Robert closes his eyes as Aaron whispers to him, nonsense really but it makes him feel calm, calm enough to talk about his Mum.

“She always kissed us goodnight, no matter what.” He felt Aaron’s fingers combing through his hair, and kept his eyes closed, letting the memories come flooding back. “They had a lot of parties when we were children but she would always leave and come upstairs and kiss us goodnight, sometimes she’d still read to us as well. You probably think I’m soft but I couldn’t sleep for months after she died, still waiting for her to come in.”

“It’s not soft. I would never think that. She sounds nice.” Robert nodded, tears filling his eyes. “What happened?”

“You mean nobody’s told you? Thought that’d be hot gossip.”

“You know the staff here better than that, they might gossip, but not about things like that...and anyway I don’t listen to gossip. Wouldn’t be here if I did!” Robert huffed a laugh that ended in a sob. “Nobody’s said anything to me about her except how lovely she was to them.”

“She was.” He sighed, “There was a fire in the house, you know where the walls are black?” Aaron nodded, hand rubbing up and down Robert's back. “It was one evening, not that late but I was in bed with a cold, I must have been sleeping. I just remember Andy waking me up, telling me to get Victoria, get her outside. We used to sleep in that end of the house, that’s where the nursery was for Vic. The next thing I know we’re out on the drive and Dad is holding me back. I…”

“You don't have to…” He feels Aaron hold him tighter, tucking the blankets even further around him as he shivers even though it’s not from cold.

“God, Aaron, I can still hear her screams. I couldn't, I...I should have done something.”

“What could you have done, huh? You were fifteen. You could have been hurt yourself. Your mum wouldn't have wanted that.” Deep down Robert knows that, he does, but it doesn’t help. “How did it start?”

“Dad told us she must have knocked over a lamp in the attics. I found out after, she’d gone up there looking for something of Andy’s that he’d been going on about for weeks.”

“You were sent away after that?” Robert just stared at him. “Why you?”

“I...Andy and I had never been close, well we were when we were small but the years before Mum died we weren’t. He liked lording it over me that he was the heir, the first born son. I didn’t care, I didn’t want the responsibility but we fought...a lot.”

“Seems a bit extreme though, considering.” Robert didn’t answer, just pulled himself away from Aaron, getting up and leaning on the window frame, looking out into the woods beyond. “Robert?”

“The fire...it was an accident, but she didn’t knock over the lamp. Andy did.” He hoped telling Aaron would lessen the knot in his stomach that he got whenever he thought about those days but it hadn’t. “He went to find her, to help I suppose and knocked over the lamp. I suppose he was scared. He ran, she couldn’t get out. I’d probably have done the same but a part of me wonders...if he’d stayed, if he’d tried to help, she might still be here.”

“Maybe, but he’s not that much older than you…”

Robert nodded, he knew that, it just didn’t make it any easier. “I overheard him and Dad talking after her funeral.” He felt Aaron come up behind him, his arms slipping around his waist. “It wasn’t what happened that bothered me, it was an accident, I know that and Andy was devastated. I...they didn’t tell me, they didn’t trust me. Dad wouldn’t hear it, wouldn’t have anything said against his boy. I wasn’t even blaming Andy, not really. All I wanted was to talk about my Mum, about what happened and he wouldn’t...It felt like one more thing that I wasn’t a part of. It sounds ridiculous now but back then I felt so alone.”

Aaron doesn’t say anything, there isn’t anything he can say, he just holds him tight lets the last of his tears fall, keeps pressing kisses into his shoulder.

“We had a fight one day, a proper fight, not about the fire, it was about something I knew about Dad. I told Andy. He of course didn’t believe me...or wouldn’t, called me a liar, all sorts of things. Dad could never do any wrong in his eyes. I was in the wrong, never him.”

“So what happened? What had you found out? Must have been bad to send you away like that?” He didn’t stop running his hand up and down Robert’s arm, comforting him.

“About a year before the fire, I...found my Dad kissing another woman. It was during one of the parties. My Mum loved parties you know, we had them all the time.” He stops, voice wistful, drowning in memories. “This one time, I got up, couldn’t sleep, I wanted to try and see them all having fun. We never got to go. Anyway I heard someone upstairs, went to look. It was him, with this woman and they were kissing, properly, you know. I ran back to bed, hid under the covers in case he had seen me.”

“Did he...say anything?”

“No, just carried on like nothing had happened but he knew I’d seen them. He knew I wouldn’t tell Mum, I loved her too much to hurt her like that so I kept quiet. I probably wouldn’t have told Andy but for everything else. He kept winding me up, worshipping Dad, he could do no wrong. I wanted him to know what he was really like. He sighed, exhausted. “Andy just laughed at me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“That’s what the fight was about. It was the last straw for Dad, he was so scared I’d tell everyone his secrets, that there’d be a scandal, that the great Jack Sugden’s name would be dragged through the mud and we couldn’t have that. Two days later I was on the train to boarding school. Andy got to stay with his family, he was the heir after all, Dad kept his reputation, and I was sent away like I was nothing.” He turns round, clings to Aaron, head buried in his shoulder.

“Yeah.” He feels Aaron’s arms tighten. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Stupid thing is, everyone probably already knew. Those kinds of things never stayed secret, but no he’d rather send his son away, let him be on his own than...You won’t leave me will you? I don’t want to be alone again.” He can hear the desperation in his voice, normally it would bother him, but not now, not with Aaron.

“I promise, I’m not going anywhere.” Robert knew he couldn’t really promise that. The way things were none of them knew what the future held but right now it was what he wanted to hear so he let Aaron lead him back to bed and bundle him back under the covers, tears drying on his cheeks, and held him close.

~~~ * ~~~

“Can you stay?” Aaron asked him as he came to. It was still light outside, but they must have slept a while. They’d not talked much after Robert finished his story, just lay in each other’s arms for a while. He stretched lazily and smiled.

“Mmm, Diane and Victoria are staying over with Diane’s sister for the night and Andy is in Leeds for something or other so I guess I can. What did you have in mind?” He reached out to pull Aaron closer.

“Whoa there. I have to get Liv from the house. Do you think you’re up to an evening with us both?” Robert opened his mouth to answer but stopped, because he honestly didn’t know. Sensing his hesitation, Aaron rolled over and got up, pulling on his shirt, fumbling with the buttons. “You don’t have to, just an idea…”

“It’s not that.” He frowned, picking his words carefully. “Liv knows she can’t say anything, right?”

“She...she thinks we’re friends. I need to tell her everything, I know I do, but I have to find the right time. I told her your family wouldn’t like you being friends with me so to keep quiet.” Aaron grimaced and Robert knew he didn’t like lying to his sister. “I’ll tell her tonight.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be making you lie to her.”

“Not like either of us want to shout it from the rooftops.”

“Look, why don’t I come back later, when Liv’s asleep. The two of you should have the first evening in your new home together, on your own.” He leaned to kiss Aaron’s cheek. “We’ve got all the time we want now, to spend together. I’ll come back later.” He kissed him once more before getting dressed before the two of them left the cottage together, smiles lighting up their features.

~~~ * ~~~

Aaron wakes slowly, the birdsong outside the window forcing him into consciousness. It’s been days since he moved in and he’s still not used to the quiet, although it’s an improvement on the noise of the pub early in the morning that he does know. He feels a heavy weight on his chest and looks down, smiling when he sees that Robert has curled up against him, arm slung across him. He reaches across to the bedside table and looks at his watch.

“Robert! Robert wake up. We overslept.” It’s not that late but he’d usually be up by now and he fully expects Robert to want to leave. It hurts when he does, every time but he knows there’s no alternative, it’s just the way it has to be. He’s still surprised that he’s managed to stay the whole night again.

“Mmm? What time’s it?” Robert rolled over, eyes still closed. Aaron couldn't help but smile at him, covers pushed down to his waist. It was all Aaron could do not to go back to bed.

“Gone eight. I have to get up for Liv.” He leant over and pressed a kiss to Robert’s forehead. When Robert had returned to the cottage later in the evening that first night, He’d told Liv about them and he’d hoped the two of them would get on, but so far whenever they were together Liv would scowl at Robert who somehow managed to wind her up every time.

He jumped as Robert wrapped his arms around him, kneeling behind him. “I have to go.”

“You’re no fun.” Aaron could almost hear his pout and laughed.

“If I recall, you had plenty of fun last night. Now, you want breakfast or are you going home to be waited on?”

“Oi, cheeky. I lived on my own for years remember?”

“Yeah, yeah. So what’s it going to be?”

“Do you think Liv is going to talk to me if I stay?” She hadn’t really, unless forced, just scowled even harder and Aaron was struggling, stuck in the middle of the two of them. He could only hope that would change once they spent more time together, otherwise his life was going to become very difficult.

“I can’t promise anything. She’ll come round eventually I’m sure. Come on, get up.” With that he finished buttoning his shirt and headed downstairs.

“Finally! Is he still here?” Liv commented as he reached the bottom of the stairs. He tweaked her pigtails as he went past into the kitchen. He smiled when he saw she’d laid the table, for the three of them despite her words.

“Yes he is, so be nice.” She sticks her tongue out at him. “I mean it, Liv. I like him ok, I like him a lot so you have to get used to him being here.” Aaron concentrates on filling up the kettle to avoid her seeing him blush. “You can’t keep this up forever.”

“I suppose he’s not that bad.” She grudgingly admits. “Still annoying though.”

“Well that’s an improvement.” Robert quips coming in. “Good morning, Olivia.” Aaron stifles a groan as he sees her scowl again.

“Liv, sit down. He’s winding you up. It is too early in the morning for you two to start, so behave.” He freezes as he hears a knock on the door. “Who can that be?”

Liv goes to the front window and peers out. “It’s Miss Victoria. Shall I let her in?” Aaron sees the panic on Robert’s face and tells Liv to wait.

“Robert, what do you want to do?” Robert hadn’t moved. “Robert?”

~~~ * ~~~

“I can’t...I’m sorry, I can’t tell her, not yet.” He can’t face her being angry with him, doesn’t want to think of her wanting nothing to do with him, can’t face the same reaction from her as from his Dad.

“Alright, Liv, let her in.” Robert stares at him incredulous. “We can’t leave her on the doorstep. She knows we’re friends, yes?” He nods, still confused. “Right, so let me talk.” With that he’s gone, leaving Robert in the kitchen.

“Aaron have you seen my brother?” Robert hears and he knows he can’t skulk in the kitchen much longer. He takes a deep breath and goes through to the living room.

“Yes he’s…”

“I’m here, Vic.” He stands beside Aaron, still unsure what he’s got in mind. “You’re back early. I thought you were staying for lunch. You can’t even have stayed for breakfast.” She and Diane had been in Leeds, staying with Diane’s sister again.

“Diane wasn’t feeling well so we came home. Debbie said you’d missed breakfast. I wasn’t sure where you were but I know you and Aaron are friends.”

“That’s my fault, Miss. Liv needed help with her schoolwork and Robert kindly said he would help her. I offered breakfast in return.” Robert catches Liv about to protest and he subtly shakes his head to stop her.

“What do you want Vic?”

“I thought we could spend the day together, since Diane and I are back early.”

“That sounds nice.” It did. He’d been so caught up with Aaron he’d not been spending much time with her. It meant that his planned day with Aaron and Liv would be ruined though. “Give me half an hour and I’ll be home.”

When she’s gone Robert relaxes and Aaron lets out a relieved sigh.

“I don’t understand, why don’t you just tell her?” Liv pipes up. “I’m fine with it.”

“Because it’s Robert’s decision when he tells people, not yours. Besides, not everyone is like you. Now finish your breakfast.” When she’s gone he moves to Robert, puts his hands on his hips, “She does have a point.”

“I know she does and I want to believe that Vic will be ok, but what if she isn’t? What if she’s like Dad? I can’t lose my sister.”

“I can’t tell you what to do. You know her better than anyone. I admit I’m worried...is she going to say anything if she’s not alright with it?” Robert wraps his arms around Aaron, knows how worried he is about people finding out, worried about being hurt again and Robert doesn’t know how to reassure him, when he was just as unsure.

“I don’t think she would, she’s not cruel...God I don’t know.” Aaron doesn’t say anything just leans in and kisses his jaw and Robert just wants to stay in this moment, doesn’t want to face anything else. “What do I do, Aaron?”

“Do you two have to do that?”

“Oi! Breakfast!” Robert moves away, Liv’s comment making him laugh at least. “I don’t know what to say.”

“I know. I should go. I have to talk to her, no matter what. Goodness knows what I’m going to say but I’ll think of something. I should probably spend some time with her anyway...I really wanted to spend the day with you.” He knows he’s whining but he can’t help it.

“Doesn’t matter, there’ll be other days. Go see your sister.” He leans in for one more kiss and even with Liv in the next room, Robert felt him clutch his shoulders, obviously not wanting to let him go anymore than Robert wanted to leave.

~~~ * ~~~

He finds Victoria in the library and for a minute he stands and watches. The little girl he knew was gone, replaced by this amazing young woman and he wished he’d been here, wished he’d seen her grow up. Maybe if he had he’d have more idea of her reaction. Shaking the thoughts away he closes the door, making her look round.

“Are you going to talk to me now?”

“Vic, you know I hate it when you push. I wish you’d just leave it.” He sits next to her knowing he’s only angry because he’s worried. He tries to work out how to start what he knows is going to be a difficult conversation.

“Just tell me, Robert, whatever it is.” He tried, he did but he couldn’t make his voice work. “I don’t believe for one minute you were helping Liv with her school work. Why is Aaron making up excuses for you. What have you got mixed up in?”

“Thanks, Vic. It’s nice to know you think I’d only want to know Aaron because of that.”

“Well you never tell me anything! I know something is wrong. I’m worried about you!”

“Do you think that sometimes I might need someone to talk to? Someone that isn’t you. You’re my sister, Vic, there are things I’m not going to tell you.”

“Oh but you can tell Aaron Dingle?”

“Yes!” He can see her eyes are full of tears and it makes him feel awful. He doesn’t want to upset her. He sighs. “What if I were to tell you that I’m happy, happier than I’ve ever been in fact.” Her face brightens immediately but he puts a hand up to stop her saying anything. If he doesn’t get this out now he’ll never do it. “And what if I said that my being happy could cause a lot of trouble, for everyone.”

“Then maybe you should walk away from whatever it is. If it’s going to upset people, or hurt the family.” Honestly Robert didn’t care so much about that as much as he did Aaron being hurt again and if not for Victoria he probably would have suggested they leave and go somewhere far away from Ross, from his memories, from everything.

“I can’t...nor do I want to. I’ve never felt this way, Vic.”

“I still don’t understand what Aaron has to do with this...is this why you’ve been spending so much time out of the house? Just tell me Robert, then maybe I can help!”

He doesn’t speak for a few minutes, can tell she’s getting annoyed with him but he can’t seem to form the words. He thinks about Aaron, how strong he’s had to be and how proud he is of him and he realises he wants her to know, even if she hates him, he wants someone else to know just how much he loves Aaron.

“If I tell you, you have to promise not to breathe a word to anyone. I mean it, Vic. This isn’t a game.”

“I’m not a child, Robert! Just tell me!”

“Aaron and I...we’re together.” Her eyes widen so dramatically he almost laughs, “Now you know why I’ve been so secretive.”

“Are you mad?” A feeling of unease comes over him and he readies himself for her rejection. It isn’t like he hasn’t felt it before but from her, it’s going to hurt.

“I’m happy. You said that’s what you wanted.”

“Yes but…do you know how much trouble you could be in? Why on earth would you carry on with this?”

“Do you think Aaron and I don’t know what we’re risking here? Do you know why he came here? People found out in his village and they beat him, Vic. They beat him so badly he couldn’t work for a month! I’m terrified just telling you and he went through all that. So yes, we know exactly what could happen.”

“Did he talk you into this?”

“No.” He felt strange talking about this, to his little sister of all people, “There’ve been others, in London. Look, I’m not asking for your approval here. I mean I’d like it but it isn’t going to make a difference if I don’t have it. You wanted to know, so I’ve told you.”

“Yes, well...I was worried about you. I obviously had good reason to be. What’s so special about him anyway?” He looks up sharply at her tone, knowing exactly what she’s implying.

“Don’t you dare! You know nothing about him. He lets me be me, doesn’t expect anything from me.”

“I don’t understand. I’m sorry, Rob, but I don’t. I don’t know how you think this has any kind of future.”

“We think it does. It might not, but that’s no reason not to try, but what I do know is I’m happier because of him. I hoped you’d understand, that you’d be happy for me. Just shows how wrong I was.” He gets up and goes to the window, determined not to let her see the tears in his eyes. “I’d like to be on my own now.”

“Rob…”

“Just go Vic. I thought you of all people would always be there for me.” She doesn’t say anything else, he hears the library door close and he finally lets his tears fall. He wants Aaron, wants him to tell him everything will be ok, but he can’t let him see him like this.

~~~ * ~~~

By the time he’s calmed down enough to go to the cottage, it’s late afternoon. He’s kept himself locked away in the library all day, thankfully no one has interrupted him. Aaron’s waiting for him. He can’t speak, just falls into his arms, lets Aaron lead him to the sofa, lets him hold him and place gentle kisses to his forehead, cheeks, anywhere he can reach.

“What happened?” He asks after a while.

“She hates me.”

“No she doesn’t.” He feels Aaron rubbing his back. “Did she actually say those words.”

“She said she didn’t understand how I thought we could have any kind of future. I just wanted her to be happy for us.”

“That doesn’t mean she hates you. It must have been a shock.”

“She’s my sister! That shouldn’t matter. I know I’ve not always been there for her but I thought she’d support me, be happy for me.”

“Maybe she just needs time to get used to the idea.” Robert snorts, he didn’t think any amount of time was going to help. “She loves you, remember that.”

“I know she does, but if she does then she should be happy for me, no matter what, and if she can’t be then…I managed without them before, I can do it again.”

“You don’t mean that.”

“Don’t I? I’m serious, Aaron. I want you, I need you, not them. You know how I feel about you.”

“Do I?”

“I…” He wants to say the words, but they won’t come. He shakes his head, tears burning his eyes. Aaron sighs and kisses him, hands framing his face and he knows he understands. He always seems to.

“I know. You don’t have to say it. I love you, Robert Sugden.” He buries his head in the crook of Aaron’s neck. “Your sister will come round, I promise.”

“I thought you’d be more angry.”

“Who says I’m not. I’m angry she’s made you feel this way, but I’ve been here before. Debbie wasn’t always so supportive and look at her now.”

“You’re too sensible. I want to be angry.”

“Then be angry but I’ve learnt it just doesn’t help. Tell you what, Liv’s at a friend’s in the village until later so why don’t we stay here for the rest of the day. Then maybe tomorrow you can talk to her again.”

Robert nodded, but he didn’t let Aaron go, just wanted to be close to him, didn’t even want to let him go to make tea. He felt him tighten his hold, one hand rubbing his back, the other playing with his hair. Before long he felt his eyes drooping as sleep claimed him.


	2. Chapter Two

The next couple of weeks passed in a haze of days spent with Aaron and getting to know Liv. Summer days spent in the tiny scrap of garden at the back of the cottage, Robert didn’t think he’d ever felt so free despite he and his sister being at odds. He’d pushed it away, nothing he could do to change it, until she came around or at least tried to talk to him. They had heard nothing more from Ross to their relief and he had heard from Pete that Ross had been sent down to an Aunt in London for something or other. Robert wasn’t interested as long as it got him out of Aaron’s way.

It couldn’t last, those carefree days and Robert read the news in the papers with a growing sense of unease.

“Will you go?” He asked one day over lunch with Aaron. Liv was at school and they were enjoying the time to themselves.

“Will I go where?” Aaron frowned.

“To fight. If the war comes, will you go?”

“Don’t think about it much or try not to anyway. I have Liv to think about, remember.” He frowns as he looks at Robert. “What about you?”

“I...there’ll probably come a time when I have no choice.” He says, hoping Aaron will leave it.

“That’s not really an answer.” He sits forward in his chair, closer to Robert. “What is it?” Times like this he wished Aaron didn’t know him so well.

“Doesn’t matter. I was just being daft.”

“Well it’s obviously something.”

“I don’t like guns, never have.” He sighs, seems like Aaron is determined to get him to talk. He twist round in his chair so that they’re facing each other. “When I was a boy there were shoots here all the time and Andy and I would beg Dad to take us. It was exciting to us, we’d watch everyone getting ready, the guns being put into the carriage, the dogs, it all seemed like good fun. Anyway, one day he agreed...Mum was furious with him but Andy and I begged her so she finally said yes.”

“What happened?”

“It was good, you know to start with. I was asking all sorts of questions, enjoying spending time with my Dad. Andy took to it straight away, of course he did, but Andy and I eventually got bored. Dad said we could try the guns, said we were old enough. I didn’t want to but Andy did. I knew what he’d say if I chickened out so I did it. I hated it, I...and I don’t know what happened but Dad must have been distracted, got in the way somehow, I must have done something, but there was a bang and the next thing I know he’s on the floor in front of me, his arm bleeding.”

“God, Robert.” Aaron reached over and covered Robert’s hand with his own.

“I didn’t know what to do...there was so much blood. I was so scared. Someone must have seen because suddenly there were people everywhere. I thought he was dead, I thought I’d killed him! So I ran.” He told Aaron how he’d run until his legs ached, until he couldn’t breathe any more. He’d ended up in the gamekeeper’s hut, knowing he’d be safe because he was out on the shoot. How he’d curled up and cried himself to sleep.

“It was dark when he found me, our gamekeeper then, I mean. I thought he’d drag me back home, tell me off or something, I don’t know, but he didn’t. He gave me one of his sandwiches and made cocoa on his little stove.” He sees Aaron smile at him, as he remembers old Seth. He was always nice to Robert, never minded him following him round like a shadow.

“He sounds alright.”

“Yeah he was. He told me my Dad was alright, that it had just grazed him, that it wasn’t my fault. Then he took me home. Dad hugged me so tight, guess he was worried. I don’t remember him hugging me like that any other time. Anyway, since then I’ve not been near guns. I can’t. It’s like a phobia. He made me once, you know to get back on the horse so to speak and I had some sort of attack, couldn’t breathe or move. He never bothered again. Stupid isn’t it, an estate manager who can’t bear to go near the shoots he’ll organise.”

“No, I don’t think it is, not after that. Everyone has phobias”

“Oh yeah? What’s yours?”

“Goats.”

“Goats?” Robert laughed, glad of the lighter subject.

“Yeah, got hit by one when I was little. I keep well away now. Bloody hurt it did.” He grinned cheekily and Robert planted a kiss on his lips.

“You’re an idiot!” Aaron merely raised an eyebrow at him. “Anyway...I don’t want to think about having to fight, having to turn a gun on someone. I...I don’t know if I could, Aaron, even in a war. Suppose I just keep giving him reasons to be proud don’t I?.”

“Hey stop that. What he thinks doesn’t matter anymore. You know you might have to use one though if there’s a war. You know what they’ll likely do to anyone who doesn’t join up when they say.”

“I’ll find something to do where I won’t need a gun.” He shook himself slightly, “Anyway we might not need to worry, everyone says if it happens it’ll be over quickly.” He ignored Aaron’s worried look as he drained his teacup.

~~~ * ~~~

In the end it was only another two weeks before Robert had to think about it again. He walked down to the kitchen, his footsteps heavy. He knew the staff would be enjoying their tea before they started getting ready for lunch and he didn’t want to interrupt but he knew everyone would want to know the news.

“Can I come in Mrs L?” He knocked on the doorframe, using his childhood name for their cook because back then he couldn’t say Ladderbanks.

“Of course love, come on in, sit down. Can I make you some tea?” She asked, getting up and starting to bustle about.

“Oh, no, thank you. I just wanted to let you know that I’d had a telegram from London.”

“It’s war then?”

“I’m afraid so. I don’t know anymore but I’m sure we’ll learn more from the papers tomorrow. My sister has gone out as planned but my stepmother has gone to her room. If she could have some tea?” She nods, looks upset, but Robert doesn’t know how to comfort her, knows she won’t accept it from him. “I’m going to go and tell Aaron and then wander down to the village. I might have dinner in the pub so don’t worry about me.” He nods at Debbie, they’ve got quite good at this, she knows he means he’ll be with Aaron and is happy to keep their cover if anyone asks. He wishes Victoria was as understanding but she’s still giving him the cold shoulder. He’s tried many times to speak to her but she either ignores him or gives him one word answers and he’s tired of trying.

He leaves her with Debbie, goes out of the kitchen door, into the fresh air and hurries to find Aaron. He luckily finds him still at the cottage eating his lunch. He doesn’t say anything, just tugs Aaron to his feet and holds him tight.

“What’s the matter?”

“Can’t I just want to hold you?” He mumbles into Aaron’s shoulder.

“Well, yeah, but…”

“We’re at war.”

“Oh.” Aaron pulled away sat down on the sofa with a thump.

“I don’t know much, but I know everyone is saying it’ll all be over by Christmas.” He shrugged, not sure what to say to put Aaron’s mind at rest. He sat next to him, an arm around his shoulders. “We might all be fretting for nothing.”

“Or we might not. If I have to go, what about Liv?”

“Liv will be fine...Debbie’s here, and I know Vic and Diane like her too. Anyway you’re not going anywhere...I mean unless you want to join up?” His heart thudded at the thought, the idea of losing him.

“No. Not now anyway. I mean if I’m needed then...but I’m not rushing headlong into it.”

“In that case, no more war talk. We can’t do anything now. It might all be over before we know it.” Aaron nodded. Robert knew he was probably lying through his teeth, but he didn't want to waste the limited time they had together thinking about such things. “Can I stay here tonight?” He just wanted to be close to him.

Before either of them can say anything more the door bursts open and Liv stands there tears running down her face. Robert reaches her first and he could tell how upset she was when she didn’t even try to pull away from him.

“Liv, what’s wrong?” Aaron asked as he reached her side, wrapping her up in his arms.

“I don’t want you to die.”

“What? I’m not going to die, don’t be daft. Now what’s happened?” He led her to the sofa, Robert taking the armchair.

“The boys at school said...they said there’s a war...they said you’d have to go to France...that you’d get blown up...you won’t will you?” They could barely understand her through her sobs. Robert got up and knelt beside her.

“Liv, listen to me.” He looked up at Aaron who nodded, letting Robert take the lead. “I think you’re old enough to be told the truth, don’t you? Well, yes the country is at war with Germany and yes maybe, one day, Aaron and I may have to go and do something to help. That doesn’t mean anything bad is going to happen to us alright? Those boys are just teasing you, just ignore them.”

“Robert’s right. We don’t know what’s going to happen, no one does, but you don’t have to worry about any of that.” He kisses the top of her head, hugs her tight while Robert taps the end of her nose. “Now I say the three of us enjoy the sunshine while it lasts, don’t you?”

It’s later when they’re lying in bed, bodies cooling, their desperation fuelling their need to be with each other, that they talk again.

“I...I’m not going to join up you know, not just like that.”

“What?” Robert stops rubbing Aaron’s arm.

“You’ve been on edge ever since I said I might...I wouldn’t, not without talking to you first.”

“No I know.”

“So what is it?” Aaron rolls over, half on top of him.

“You know I don’t want to go...but if you go so do I.”

“Robert, no, you don’t have to. Not after what you told me, not unless you have to.”

“There is no way on this earth I would sit here at home, safe, while you were risking your life somewhere. I couldn’t do it.”

“You really are the most stubborn man, aren’t you?”

“That’s rich coming from you.” He reaches up to kiss him. “I couldn’t live with myself if anything happened to you and I was tucked away here.”

“You joining up too doesn’t mean I’ll be safe.”

“No I know, but I...I don’t know how to explain it.” He shrugged. He really didn’t, he just felt it would be better to do something, anything, than sitting at home waiting for news.

“Alright...I don’t get it but ok. If we go, we go together.”

“If..” Aaron whispers after a while. “If anything happens will you...you’ll make sure she’s alright, won’t you?”

“Nothing is going to happen.” It sounds hollow but he says it anyway, will do anything to put Aaron’s mind at rest. “But yes...of course I would. I’d make sure they were both alright, her and Debbie. I promise. Now no more war talk.”

~~~ * ~~~

The next morning Robert woke up to birdsong and sunlight streaming in through the gap in the curtains. Aaron was still sleeping soundly beside him. He’d felt him tossing and turning for ages during the night but finally he was sleeping. He checked the time on his pocket watch and seeing it was just past five he settled back down to watch Aaron sleep. He couldn’t resist running his hand over his chest, and he rested his head on Aaron’s shoulder, left hand eventually ending up resting over his heart.

“Enjoying yourself?” Came a sleepy voice a few minutes later.

“Mmm. What time do you have to be up?”

“About seven. Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah. You didn’t though.”

“Just kept thinking about what might happen.” Robert wrapped his arm around him.

“Stop doing that. No point worrying unless we have to.” He put a finger under Robert’s chin and lifted it to meet his gaze before kissing him softly. They lay there, quiet, just holding on to each other until Aaron had to get up. When the three of them were sitting down to breakfast the informality refreshing compared to the stuffy atmosphere of breakfast with his family. As Aaron sent Liv off to school there was a knock on the door.

“Who is it?”

“I want to speak to my brother.” Victoria’s voice came through the door. Robert stood in the kitchen doorway, apprehensive. They were still barely speaking and he didn’t want to argue again, especially not in front of Aaron.

“It’s up to you.” Aaron told him. Robert nodded and Aaron opened the door.

“Aaron, I’d like to speak to my brother alone.” Robert saw Aaron’s eyes widen.

“Victoria, you don’t get to come here at this time and speak to him like that. You’ve had weeks to speak to me and you haven’t, in fact you’ve done all you can to avoid me.”

She had, everyone at the house had noticed that they were hardly speaking. Diane had asked him why but he’d managed to fob her off. They probably thought it was to do with Adam. Robert had still been too angry and hurt to try and talk to her so they’d kept out of each other’s way as much as possible.

“I want to talk to you, away from the house. I thought you’d be alone, thought Aaron would be at work by now.” She stares at him as if willing him to leave but Aaron to Robert’s delight is just staring back at her.

“Say what you want to say, Vic, I don’t mind if Aaron hears, but I’m not going to argue with you again. I just can’t do it anymore.” It might be petty but he doesn’t feel like making it easy for her, no matter how much he loves her.

“I…” She looked at Aaron again. “I shouldn’t have said what I did, at least not the way I did. I still don’t understand all this, but if this is what makes you happy, then I’m happy for you.”

“What brought this sudden change of heart on?” He realised she looked nervous. “Vic?”

“I talked to Adam, and he told me…”

“You did what?” He shouted, he couldn’t believe it. “I begged you not to say anything. I told you how serious it was and you go and talk to Adam! Did you think I was joking when I told you what could happen?”

“Robert, calm down and just listen to her.” Aaron’s hands rested on his shoulder, grounding him, calming him.

“Thank you Aaron. I needed to speak to someone and I trust Adam. He made me see sense, told me I shouldn’t be angry. Like I say, I don’t understand but I can see you’re happy.”

“Adam is obviously more sensible than I gave him credit for.” He sank down onto the sofa, next to her chair, he couldn’t think of anything else to say. He was still angry, but he missed her, wanted to be able to talk to her again.

“Yes he is. I’m so sorry, Robert.” She reached over and took his hands in hers. “Will you forgive me?” He nodded, he couldn’t stay angry at her. He never had been able to. It had hurt him to avoid her the past few weeks.

“Yes...but you have to understand how I feel.”

“I...I get that you like Aaron...it’s just a lot to take in. I just need time. I will be better.” He nodded, couldn’t really ask her for more than that.

“On that note, I’m going to get to work.” Aaron interrupted and Robert wanted to protest, felt like he was pushing him out of his home. “I’m late already. I’ll see you later. Miss Victoria.” Robert watched him go, eyes following as he made his way up the path. He heard his sister giggle and he turned back to her.

“Can I ask you something?” He nodded, “How long have you...you know?” There was a faint blush on her cheeks.

“What? Liked men too? I just...knew, long before I met Aaron. I know what was expected of me...to be the good son, to marry, but Vic, he’s…” He trailed off, couldn’t put into words just how he felt.

“You’re happy.” He knew it wasn’t a question, it was a statement and he smiled. She was trying, he couldn’t ask for more than that.

“Yes. I didn’t think it was possible to feel this way, Vic.” He’d thought he was happy in London, out in the world on his own, living his life how he chose regardless of the consequences, but he’d always expected to come home in the end, to do what was expected of him. At least until that day his Dad visited. Not that he ever planned to tell her about that.

“Because of Aaron?”

“Yes. He’s...I can’t put it into words. He likes me, for me.”

“I’m happy for you, I am. It’s obvious you’re happier than you were when you came home, even Diane has noticed. I’m sorry I was so horrible.”

“It’s alright, I know it was a shock. But please, don’t tell anyone else. The only people who know are Liv, Debbie and Pete. Oh and Ross.” He can’t keep the disdain off his face.

“Ross and Pete?” He winced. Knowing Vic she’d be angrier at not knowing before anyone else than about Aaron.

“Yes. Aaron had an altercation with Ross during the dinner party, then Pete found us in the kitchen. I had no choice but to tell him. He helped me get Ross to back off from telling everyone or going to the police about Aaron hitting him.”

“Oh Robert, you do get yourself into some messes.” He can’t help but laugh with her. “I won’t say anything to anyone.”

“I couldn’t bear it if Aaron was hurt again.” He notices her just staring at him. “What?”

“Nothing. Just wondering what happened to my selfish brother who just looked out for himself...those were your words by the way when you wrote to me.”

“That wasn’t really me, you know that. Vic I was pushed out when Dad took Andy under his wing, you know I was. I had to fend for myself when I was away, it was easier to be that way.”

“I would never put you in danger. I’m not saying I completely understand...but you’re my brother and I love you.” He can’t help himself, he pulls her into a hug. They’re still a novelty to him after so long away. He had always missed her, she could always make him smile. “Aaron seems nice.”

“Yeah he is.” He stops and grins when he sees movement outside the window. He should have guessed Aaron wasn’t going to go to work, was just giving them time on their own. “He’s a right grumpy git when he wants to be though.”

“What is it?” She asks seeing him glance out of the window.

“Aaron’s outside.”

“Oh.” She got to her feet. “Well, I’ll leave you. Will you be home for lunch?” He nodded and she reached up to kiss his cheek. He watched her go, saw her smile brightly at Aaron as she passed him, and waited for Aaron to come inside. When he did Robert couldn’t make out the look on his face.

“How much did you hear?”

“Enough.” He snuck his arms around Robert’s waist. “Grumpy git am I?”

“Mmm, sometimes. I don’t mind. You’re my grumpy git.” He felt like a weight had been lifted, couldn’t help the smile that crossed his face.

He realised something, standing there with Aaron smiling up at him. He realised he couldn’t let him carry on not knowing how he felt. He said it to Robert all the time, but Robert saw the start of a frown when he didn’t reciprocate, when he couldn’t say it back. He had to stop being so frightened of what happened before, of what a dead man would think.

“I love you.” He blurted out.

“What?”

“I love you. I should have told you...so many times. I do, I love you Aaron Dingle.”

“What brought this on?” He says, though he’s smiling all teeth and dimples.

“I’m done worrying. Dad’s dead, he can’t rule my life any longer. It doesn’t matter. I love you, that’s what matters. I’m sorry it’s taken so long.”

Aaron shakes his head, pulls him into his arms again. “I know, I always did. You didn’t need to say the words.”

“Well I can take them back if you like?” He teases, gripping Aaron’s waist.

“Don’t you dare! I didn’t need to hear it but I quite like the sound of it, you know. Now come on, I’m late for work!”

“Is that all I get? I tell the man I love him and he wants to get to work.”

“Hmm, that’s all you get for now. Later on the other hand…” Aaron promises as he pulls away from him and nudges him out of the door, the smile firmly fixed on his face.

~~~ * ~~~

“Rob.” Andy pokes his head around the door to the library as Robert is working. He’s been carried away the past few days, since war was declared, spending more and more time with Aaron, feeling the need to be close to him, that he’s got behind on his estate work so he’s trying to catch up. The last thing he wants is Andy complaining. “I just wanted to say that you were right about Pearson’s. It’s looking good.”

“You’ve been out there?”

“Just now.” Robert relaxes, he’s in no way ready for Andy to find out about him and Aaron. Telling Victoria had been stressful enough. They were better now though, since they’d made up. “You were right. I should have sorted a cottage for Aaron. It’s taking a bit of getting used to, having all this responsibility.”

“It’s only been a few months, Andy. Dad had years and I know he still made mistakes. Anyway, Aaron’s happy there so all’s well that ends well.” Robert was amazed that the two of them hadn’t started sniping at each other yet but maybe that was another improvement. Then he remembered his conversation with Diane and wondered if now was the time to bring it up. “I...er...can we talk a minute?”

“Yeah, of course.” He sits across from Robert. “What is it?”

“Look this is coming from Diane, but she’s worried about you. She wanted me to ask you if you were in any trouble?”

“Why would she think that?”

“You’ve been off out a lot and she was concerned. You know you can tell me if there’s something wrong.”

“There’s nothing going on and you should keep your nose out of my business!”

“Andy there’s no need to jump down my throat, I’m just asking on Diane’s behalf, that’s all. If you say there’s nothing then I’ll leave it.” He gets up, pours them both a drink, sitting across from his brother. “You and I were close once upon a time.”

“Well, things change. There’s nothing wrong, Robert.” Robert wasn't the slightest bit convinced but he knew his brother, knew he wouldn't talk until he was ready.

“Alright, as long as you know you can talk to me. I’m still your brother, no matter what.” He leant forward.

“You know, you’re different somehow, ever since you’ve been back.”

“Maybe I was never that bad in the first place. I was a kid who wanted their Dad’s attention. It wasn’t jealousy, not in the way the two of you thought anyway.”

Andy looks surprised, then thoughtful, and Robert waits, knowing he’s going to say something. “Were you telling the truth that day, about Dad?”

“Why the hell would I make that up?” Robert couldn’t believe his brother thought he was capable of that. Now maybe, but not back then.

“You were so angry, Robert.”

“The two of you made me feel like I wasn’t part of the family, had for a long time. I was missing my Mum, of course I was angry!” He’s pacing, knows he’s shouting, tries to lower his voice so that Victoria or Diane don’t come in. “But no, I wasn’t lying. I saw him. I’m older now, I know it’s not...I know it happens but back then...he was my Dad! I knew he shouldn’t be doing that with anyone but Mum.”

“Do you think she knew?”

“I don’t know, I hope not.” He collapses into a chair, raking over all those memories again was exhausting. “I’m sorry for the things I said back then.”

“Well you were right, it was my fault.”

“No. It was an accident, I know that. I knew it then. I was just angry and I lashed out at you.”

“It’s done now. Let’s leave it where it belongs, in the past.”

“I missed you, you know. More than I thought I might.”

“Same here. Brotherly love I guess.” Andy grinned, the first proper smile he’d sent in Robert’s direction for years.

“Yeah.” Robert wearily got to his feet, held out his hand for Andy to shake. Instead he gasped as he was pulled into a hug. He couldn’t remember the last time they’d done that. Their mother’s funeral probably. “Nothing will ever change what went on back then, but you’re my brother.” Andy whispered.

“I love you, big brother.”

Andy didn’t say anything, just nodded, but Robert could see a slight smile on his face. He knew they weren’t back to how they used to be, maybe they never would be, but it was a start. A start he couldn’t have made without Aaron, and all the nights he’s laid awake listening to Robert talk everything over with him. Everything that went on back then, his father favouring Andy, how Robert always felt as if he was a disappointment even though he’d done nothing wrong. Whatever it was that he’d wanted to talk about, Aaron had listened, he hadn’t judged, had just held him and listened.

Robert didn’t know what was ahead, like Aaron had told Liv, none of them did. He did know however, that whatever happened, these past few months since he returned home had been the best of his life.

~~~ * ~~~

Eighteen Months Later

Robert sighs as he reads the paper. The never ending list of the dead grows every day. The war had not been over by Christmas as everyone had said, it had been raging for over a year and a half with no end in sight. It felt like every family in the village had been affected, even Home Farm hadn’t escaped, Andy had joined up within months, despite Victoria and Diane’s attempts to persuade him otherwise. Robert hadn’t, not because he didn’t love his brother, he did, but since their conversation they’d talked a lot and Robert knew how much it meant for him to go and do his bit. Andy had even understood when Robert told him why he couldn’t, at least not to fight.

Since that day in the library they had begun to get on a lot better and by the time Andy left it felt like the were as close to the brothers they used to be as they would be able to get. It didn’t stop Robert feeling guilty every day that his brother was off fighting and he was sat in his comfortable house, his life carrying on very much the same as it always had.

He knew the time was coming when he and Aaron would have to make the decision, he knew his own guilt was growing every day, but Aaron didn’t want to leave Liv until he absolutely had to. When Aaron joined up or was conscripted, Robert would go himself. It might have seemed silly to anyone else but to him it meant he would be close, at least in spirit, even if they were miles apart.

His life was better than it had ever been, because he had Aaron now. He couldn’t remember ever being this happy, despite everything going on. Getting to be with Aaron in the cottage was bliss and even Liv liked him now although the two of them still wound each other up from time to time. They managed to spend a lot of their time together, even if it was as friends when in the village, and he spent as many nights at the cottage as he could. It helped to have Victoria and Debbie on their side and Diane didn’t really interfere in what he was up to.

“Robert!” He put down the paper as his sister burst in the door, waving a piece of paper in her hand.

“Blimey, Vic. Give a man a heart attack why don’t you? Whatever is the matter?”

“It’s Andy! He’s got leave. He’ll be here for the wedding!” She and Adam were finally getting married. The man had proposed on her birthday the previous yet and they had held off on the wedding hoping the war would soon end. Now it was finally happening, brought to pass by Adam himself deciding to join up. Robert knew his sister was heartbroken but it was looking more and more likely that someday soon with conscription looming everyone would have to go. They had just enough time to arrange the wedding and to have the shortest of honeymoons but it would have to do for them both. “He won’t get here until the night before, but he’ll be here.”

“That’s great, Vic. I know how much you want him here.”

“I hope he’s alright. The awful things in the papers…” She trailed off making Robert get up and sit next to her, putting his arm around her.

“Try not to read them, Vic, you’ll only upset yourself. Andy sounds well from his letters so let’s just concentrate on that. Are you all ready for Saturday?”

“I think so. Adam’s parents are staying here on Friday, and he’s travelling on Saturday. It seems we’re stuck with ‘aunty’ Val all week though.” They both shared a look. Diane’s sister was an acquired taste although she was great fun.

“Don’t I know it. I’ve hardly seen Aaron all week. Val is so nosey, I daren’t risk it.”

“Well why don’t you go over there now? He’s not driving anyone, we’re all staying here. My, look at the weather!” She was right, it was pouring with rain. “I hope it won’t be like this on Saturday.”

“It won’t be. I’ve ordered sun especially for you.” He tapped the end of her nose, something he used to do a lot when they were children, it always made her giggle. “You’re right though, I will go and see him. You’ll cover for me, won’t you? I might stay a while.” He missed him, with their guest staying he hadn’t risked staying at the cottage overnight and with Aaron working they hadn’t had much time together alone.

“Go on, before they come down to tea.” He nodded, kissed her cheek and made his way out of the back of the house, running the route between the house and Aaron’s cottage. He was soaked before he was even halfway. Thankfully Aaron was at home, having a cup of tea with Debbie and Liv.

“We’re going to need an ark if this keeps up.” He told them as he took off his soaked jacket and hung it up to dry.

“I thought you couldn’t get away.” Aaron greeted him with a kiss to the cheek.

“I have a co-conspirator in Vic, and Diane is distracted by the news that Andy is coming home on Friday so I took my chance.” As he said it he noticed a strange look on Debbie’s face. He couldn’t work out what it meant. He would have asked, but despite her being Aaron’s cousin he and Debbie didn’t really have a lot to say to each other. He knew she was protective of her cousin, had told him as much many times, but there was little common ground for them to get to know each other.

“Should I go back? Is there work needs doing before I leave?” She asked him as he sat down.

“No, stay, everything is fine. Nothing needs doing, they’re just getting themselves in a tizzy. You just enjoy your time off. Are you doing anything nice?”

“Just meeting up with an old friend who’s moved back. I’ll be back tomorrow to get Miss Victoria sorted.”

“Well enjoy yourself.” He told her, taking his cup of tea from Aaron.

“Come on Liv, I’ll get Mrs L to show you her baking...leave these two alone. I’ll see you tomorrow, Aaron.” She smiled at Robert as she left with Liv trailing in her wake.

“Is Debbie alright?”

“Think so. Why?” Aaron ran a hand through Robert’s hair as he passed by to the sitting room. Robert got up and followed, joining him on the sofa, enjoying the peace and quiet.

“She just looked...strange, when I mentioned Andy coming back.”

“Mmm, I don’t know, I’ll ask her when I see her. So, everything ready for the wedding?” Robert settled himself back against Aaron enjoying the feeling of him, his arms wrapped round Robert, keeping him close. It felt like ages since they had been able to spend time on their own.

“Oh God, I hope so. I love my sister but she’s driving me crazy.” He twists round so he can kiss Aaron. “I wish I could have you by my side.” It wasn’t something they talked about much, they accepted they couldn’t be together how they wanted in public, it was just how it had to be, however hard it was.

“If wishes were horses...I suppose there’s no hope of you staying tonight?”

“I can’t. Diane’s sister has some kind of sixth sense or something, always knows what’s going on and she doesn’t keep her mouth shut about anything. All she’s done since she arrived is gossip. The minute she’s gone though, I’m all yours.”

~~~ * ~~~

Saturday morning dawned, and Robert was up nice and early, woken by his sister bursting into the room the excitement bubbling out of her. A couple of hours later Robert was dressed in his suit and on his way over to the church at the request of his stepmother. He knew one of the maids was already there sorting out the flower arrangements while Debbie helped Victoria with her dress.

“How’s everything going here?” He asked and they all turned to look at him. “I wanted to check you have everything you need.” Aaron was there handing over armfuls of flowers.

“Yes I think so. I think all the flowers are here.”

“Yes that’s the lot. I’ll be off.” Aaron told them heading back out. He risked a small smile at Robert as he passed him.

“I’ll get back to the house then. Thank you, all of you.” He headed back up the pathway that they had used as a shortcut as children enjoying the peace. All of a sudden he was pulled sideways and before he could call out he found himself staring into familiar blue eyes.

“Aaron! You scared the hell out of me.”

“I missed you.” He backed Robert up to a tree, bent his head and kissed him deeply. Robert let himself sink into the kiss for a moment before he moved away, knowing it was too much of a risk.

“One more day and the place will be back to normal.” Robert insisted. “I promise.”

“S’pose I better let you go then.” Aaron stepped back with a smile.

Robert shuffled his feet a bit. “Listen...I didn’t know this until last night so just hear me out. Diane has invited Chrissie and her father to the wedding. I’m supposed to accompany her.” He’d been fuming when Diane had informed him of the plan the night before but he couldn’t come up with a good enough reason for him not to accompany her. He and Chrissie hadn’t seen each other since before the war started so he’d no idea that Diane was still hoping that something would happen between them.

Aaron frowned, “Who?”

“I think you used to prefer to call her the rich widow.”

“Oh, her.” He shrugs, “I don’t have anything to worry about, do I?”

“No, of course not. I didn’t want you to see us and I hadn’t said anything. I told you, I wish you were with me, not her.”

“We don’t always get what we want, Robert.” Aaron leant in for another kiss before running a hand down Robert’s chest. “Go on, you’ll be missed. I’ll see you tomorrow. By the way I like the suit”

With that he was gone. Robert watched him walk away, smiling, before turning back to go back to the house. When he arrived, Andy was at the bottom of the stairs, dressed in his morning suit. The two of them hadn’t had much chance to talk since he’d been home with Victoria and Diane monopolising much of his time.

“Flowers are sorted. Guess we’re just waiting on the bride now.”

“She won’t be long. Last minute dress problem or something.”

“Vic’s glad you’re here. I think they heard her scream in Leeds when she got your letter.” It still felt awkward, the two of them talking. They’d been at odds for so long that now they were getting on better, with so little time together since, it was still difficult.

“I was lucky, really. I’ve been pretty lucky all round I suppose.”

“Is it as bad as they say?” Robert read the papers every day, taking in every detail of the reports from France, of the horrors. He could only imagine how censored they were and that the reality was so much worse. He caught Andy’s nod, the look on his face stopping him from asking anymore. “You know that Adam is leaving next week. It’s so unfair.”

“Vic said.” He didn’t say any more, what could he say. Robert had comforted his sister when she found out Adam would be leaving, all the time fearing she would turn on him, ask him why he hadn’t joined up. He knew she wouldn’t mean it if she did, not really, but how did it look, him comforting her over her husband going off to fight when he himself didn’t have the courage to.

A few minutes of silence later, Debbie came down the stairs, Diane having already joined them in the hall. Then his sister appeared and Robert smiled. She looked beautiful. He and Andy stood either side of her at the bottom of the stairs, taking her hands.

“You look stunning.” He kissed her cheek.

“You do, Vic. Mum and Dad would be so proud of you.” Andy told her, and Robert nodded in agreement.

“I want to talk to the two of you. Andy I didn’t think you’d get home, so...I asked Robert to give me away…”

“Of course you did. It’s fine. We’re both your brothers.”

“I don’t mind Vic, if you want Andy.” Robert would do whatever she wanted, their rivalry didn’t matter anymore. Once he would have been annoyed at being second choice but not now.

“No...I want...you shall both give me away!” Robert burst out laughing at her tone.

“I don’t think the reverend is going to like that.” He could just imagine the man’s face at the blatant flouting of tradition.

“I don’t care. Dad’s not here so I want both of you. The reverend can lump it.” Andy just shook his head and Robert wondered where his shy little sister had gone. He was still amazed at how much she’d grown up and changed since he’d left.

Thankfully the wedding went without a hitch, and Robert was able to leave Chrissie with one of the other guests leaving him free to watch as his sister smiled and laughed with her husband. He spent time with his family and with Pete who was home on leave the same as Andy. All of it adding to his guilt of not joining up. It had been growing for months and it was weighing on him heavily today especially. He knew he should talk to someone, maybe he would talk to Aaron when he could see him without interruption.

It was hours later when he realised he hadn’t seen Victoria for a while. Adam was chatting to his parents so Robert went looking for her. He was beginning to despair when he heard crying coming from the garden. His heart broke when he found her, sitting on one of the stone benches in the garden, dress spread out around her, crying her eyes out.

“Vic, what is it? What’s the matter?”

“I...Adam...he has to leave on Wednesday. He got the telegram this morning before he left home.” He wrapped an arm around her, letting her cry into his shoulder. “It’s not fair. We don’t even get a week together”

“No it’s not, but you and Adam are going to have a long life together, I’m sure of it.” He wiped the tears away from her cheeks and smiled, “Now come on, your husband will be missing you. Enjoy the time you have with him.” He kissed her forehead. “Don’t waste a minute.”

“You should take your own advice. I know you’ve stayed away from Aaron this week, because of me.” She dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief before smiling at him.

“Not because of you. Because Val can’t keep her mouth shut. Aaron knows why, don’t worry. We’ll be fine, as will you and Adam.” He got up and held out his hand to her. “Come on, you owe me a dance.”

~~~ * ~~~

Aaron frowned at the knock on the door. It was the day after the wedding and everything was quiet. Robert had managed to get over the night before once everyone had left, even though he’d had to leave early that morning, they had at least had some time together. Aaron tried not to feel frustrated at the lack of time they had but it was difficult. He understood, of course he did. They could hardly move in together but the snatched moments were beginning to not be enough.

He wasn’t expecting anyone and Robert had said he had work to catch up on so wouldn’t be back until late. Instead Aaron had taken Liv out to a nearby fair for the afternoon to cheer her up and they’d only just got home.

“Debs, what can I do for you?” She looked upset but he couldn’t work out why. Despite Robert’s words he hadn’t noticed anything different about her so he’d stopped worrying. They were close enough that he believed she would tell him if there was anything wrong.

“It’s Robert, I’m worried about him.” Now Aaron was concerned. Debbie tolerated Robert because she knew how much Aaron loved him, otherwise he guessed the two of them would barely say two words to each other. For her to be worried meant something must be very wrong.

“Why? What’s happened? He was alright this morning.” He’d left at first light to get back before anyone woke in the house, reluctant as ever to leave Aaron in what they both thought of as their bed.

“I was helping Elle to tidy after yesterday and I was putting things back into the library when I found this on his desk. He must have opened it this morning because I know it wasn’t there yesterday.” She handed him a piece of paper from her pocket.

Aaron read it and felt his heart sink. It was some kind of propaganda aimed at shaming men into going to war. Aaron had seen them when he’d ventured into Hotten and Leeds but to know someone had sent this to Robert made him feel sick. He knew why Robert hadn’t joined up, he understood, and it was nothing like this rubbish made out. “This is disgusting. Who would do that?”

Debbie shrugged, “I’ve seen women handing them out, even in the village. Aaron, he wouldn’t look me in the eye when he left for his walk. That’s not like him.”

“Does he know you have this?”

“He’s probably back by now and noticed it’s missing. I don’t understand this war. You know Miss Victoria was in tears last night...at her wedding because Mr Adam is leaving on Wednesday. It’s not fair.”

“I know it’s not.” He put his arm around her. “Come on. I’ll walk you back. I want to talk to him. Liv! I’m just going up to the house with Debbie. Will you be alright?” She shouted down that she would and he shook his head at her tone. “I’ll make up an excuse if anyone asks.”

When they got to the house she stopped him. “You’ll have to wait down here while I tell him. You know how it works.” Aaron grimaced but he knew she was right. It was just another reminder of how things were different and more difficult.”

The cook was alone, sitting in her chair by the range, when they went inside. “Mrs Ladderbanks, can Aaron wait here while I tell Mr Sugden he’s here?”

“Of course lass. Sit down love, and I’ll find you some of my biscuits.” She told him as she got to her feet.

“You spoil me!” Aaron smiled and took a seat at the big table.

“I’ll go and tell him you’re here.”

Five minutes later when Aaron is on his second biscuit, Debbie comes back and tells him Robert is in the library. Aaron makes his way upstairs. He’s only been in the house the once, when he was interviewed for his job. It’s not as grand as he expected although still grander than anything he’s seen. He can see though why Robert prefers the cottage, it’s cosy whereas this is vast and so quiet. He supposes the cottage is never really quiet with Liv around. Debbie leaves him outside the library and he takes a deep breath before he knocks on the door and opens it.

“Aaron. What can I do for you?” He sounds tired and Aaron wants nothing more than to hold him and kiss him but he knows he can’t.

“Debbie came to find me, she’s worried about you.” He ignores Robert’s snort, annoyed that he won’t look at him, just keeps shuffling papers on his desk. “She found this.” He threw the leaflet down onto the desk.

“I know she’s your cousin but she doesn’t have the right to snoop in my things.” Aaron was shocked at his tone, had never heard him sound so scathing about anything.

“She wasn’t. It was on top of your desk. When did you get it?”

“It must have come in yesterday’s post. I didn’t check it what with the wedding.” Robert gave up pretending to work and sat back in his chair, finally meeting Aaron’s eye.

“No name I’m guessing?” Robert shook his head and it took all Aaron had not to go around the desk and take Robert in his arms.

“There never is.” Aaron shook his head, not understanding. After a few moments Robert pulled open his desk drawer and took out three white feathers.

“I don’t get it...why you? There are plenty round here who haven’t joined up.”

“I don’t know. It’s well known you have Liv to take care of. What do I have? I’m a single man as far as anyone is concerned, they’ll wonder why I’m still here. Don’t worry about it Aaron, I can handle it.”

“Would you talk to me! I’m not the enemy here. I’ve told you before it makes no difference to me if you go to war or not. Whatever we’ve said, if you chose not to go I’d support you however I could.” Robert had gone back to not meeting his eyes and he sighed in frustration. He didn’t know what to say to make things better.

“Will you still think that if you’re off risking your life, and I’m here in my big, comfortable house? What will you think then?” He got up and started pacing. “Just leave me alone Aaron, I know I’m a disappointment, just like my Dad always said I was.”

Aaron could resist no longer, reaching out and grabbing his arm, forcing him to look at him. “You want to know what I really think? The same as I do now.” He sees Robert go to interrupt and puts up a hand, “I love you...I mean it! Nothing you do will ever change that. You are not a disappointment, do you hear me?” He nods but Aaron knows he doesn’t, he knows Robert still hears his Dad from time to time despite him saying it didn’t matter, he still hears the things he said, he can’t help it. They still linger and make him pull away sometimes. All Aaron can do is tell him over and over how wrong his father was. It doesn’t feel enough somehow, especially when he sees the man in front of him.

“You really want to be with a coward?” His voice is so small, so unlike Robert that Aaron can hardly bear it.

He couldn’t help himself any longer. He reached out and grabbed Robert’s shoulders and shook him gently. “Don’t you dare use that word to describe yourself!”

“It’s what everyone thinks!”

“No it isn’t. I don’t, your sister doesn’t.” He let out a frustrated sigh. “You're not hiding, you've said you'll go.”

“You know I wouldn’t hide, but people still…”

Robert, since when do you care what people think? There are plenty of men out there who have hid, even in the village. Just because you’re not dancing in the street ready to go to war, doesn’t make you a coward.”

“It’s just hard to see people go, like Adam...then this!”

“I could have gone already, Liv or no Liv, I know she’d be looked after, but I’ve stayed, like I say, there’s plenty still here. We’ve stayed here when men are dying every day...do you think we’re cowards?”

Robert shook his head. “Of course not!”

“Then unless you’re going to call me a coward, I don’t want to hear you use that word again.” Aaron took a risk to place a hard, desperate kiss on Robert’s lips before he pulled away, picking up the leaflet and the feathers. He threw them onto the fire as Robert watched. “That’s the only place for those. Promise me you won’t think like this again.”

“You know Adam has to leave on Wednesday. Vic’s heartbroken. Andy and Pete are already on their way back, and Diane had a letter from Ross’s mother the other day...even he’s doing something!”

“Hmm, knowing him he won’t get within ten miles of the front! You can’t honestly think he’s a better man than you!”

“No, I know. Why won’t you just let me wallow in my self pity, Aaron?” Aaron knew that no matter what he said, Robert wanted to lock himself away. The news about his brother-in-law had obviously shaken him and Aaron didn’t know what else he could say to make it better. He knew how Robert felt about having to possibly take another man’s life, they’d talked about it a lot since the war started. If he was honest with himself, Aaron no more wanted to join up than Robert did but he knew the time was coming when no one would have a choice.

“Because it doesn’t help anyone! It won’t bring your sister’s husband back and it won’t make this damn war end any faster! Also, I know you and Robert Sugden doesn’t wallow! Now I’m going to go because it’ll be strange if I’m here too long, but forget about this, forget about your Dad, and listen to me. You are not a disappointment, Robert, you’re bloody amazing.”

Robert nodded and Aaron risked one more kiss before he left. He could only hope what he’d said had made a difference.

~~~ * ~~~

Robert tries to follow Aaron’s advice not to wallow, he really does, and for the most part he manages it. That is until a week later. He’s been out walking in the woods. He’d avoided the village since receiving the letter. He couldn’t help but wonder who might have sent it. He knew people there didn’t like him but to think someone could be so hateful made his stomach turn. He knew like Aaron did that before long every man would have to be called upon and he would have to make a choice. He’s so lost in his thoughts he thinks nothing of the telegram boy passing him on his bicycle as he approaches the house.

When he gets inside, Debbie and Elle, one of the other maids were whispering in the hallway.

“Debbie, Elle, what’s wrong?”

“Oh, um, it’s this telegram sir. It’s for Mrs Sugden.”

“So why haven’t you given it to her? Where is she?” He asks shrugging off his overcoat.

“She’s in the sitting room. It’s...well, the boy, he wouldn’t take the sixpence, you know for a tip. They think it’s bad luck.” Robert’s eyes widened and he all but snatched the small envelope from Debbie’s hand, ripping it open. He takes no notice of the two of them backing away, all he sees are the neat lines of typewritten text.

‘With utmost regret I must inform you that Captain Andrew Sugden is reported missing, believed killed on 15 February 1916. Letter follows.’

Robert felt as though he’d been kicked in the chest. He vaguely heard Debbie ask if he was alright and he managed to nod. “Could you find my sister and ask her to join us.” He knew she would be in her room, she’d barely left it since Adam had gone just weeks ago. He knew he was about to break her heart, and Diane’s. Steeling himself he opened the sitting room door. Diane was at the small writing desk, writing letters, one of which was probably for Andy he realised with a jolt.

“Robert, pet. Did you enjoy your walk?” She put down her pen and got up to pour him some coffee.

“Yes, thank you. I’ve asked Debbie to fetch Victoria.” He saw the moment she noticed the telegram in his hand and she paled instantly.

“Oh no, oh it’s not Adam is it?” Victoria came in just then catching the end of her words.

“Adam? No!” Robert rushed to her, held her close before helping her sit next to Diane on the small sofa.

“No, Vic. It’s not Adam. It’s Andy. This was just delivered.” He handed it to Diane, watched her face crumple. His sister was just shaking her head, eyes pleading with him to tell her it wasn’t true. “I’m sorry.”

“But he only just left...oh damn them!” She burst into tears and Robert dropped onto his knees beside her and took her into his arms as she sobbed. He kept his gaze on his stepmother who seemed to have shrunk before him. “Vic, can you get Diane some brandy.” It would give her something to do at least. When she let him go he took hold of Diane’s hand.

“Can I do anything?” Elle’s voice came from behind him.

“Um...could you make sure Mrs Sugden’s room is ready. I imagine she’ll want to rest for a while.” Diane nodded shakily as Vic handed her a glass. He retook his sister’s hand, trying with all his might to keep himself together. He was the one who had to take care of them now, there wasn’t anyone else.

“This is all yours now, pet.” Diane said, getting to her feet. He got up with her, steadied her.

“Don’t please. Not now...I can’t.” He couldn’t even think of it. “You two should get some rest. I’ll take care of things. You don’t have to worry about anything.”

He watched as the two of them walked up the stairs, followed by Elle. He felt as though everything was closing in on him all of a sudden. He needed to get away.

“What can I do?” Debbie asked him quietly. He thought she looked odd, but he was more worried about his sister and Diane to give it much thought.

“Could you tell everyone downstairs. I should, I know but…” He shook his head. “I’m going to go and see Aaron. If they need me, would you…”

“I’ll find you. I am sorry.” He nods, can’t say anything, so he heads for the door. He had to get to Aaron, couldn’t be strong anymore.

Despite that he didn’t go straight to the cottage, in the end he just walked, not taking anything in, thinking about his brother. How he’d stopped the older boys picking on him at school, how he’d stood up to their Dad, at least he had at first. Everything had changed though and the two of them had never been that close again. At least they had started on the road to reconciliation, that was something.

He ended up at the cottage without really thinking about it. He knew there he could just sit, could be alone, Aaron would probably still be out working in the garage. He wanted to see him, knew he’d be home eventually so he let himself in and curled up on the sofa to wait.

The next thing he knew was when someone covered him with a blanket. Everything came flooding back to him in a rush. He opened his eyes to see Aaron sitting on the floor beside him.

“Welcome back.” His eyes were soft but he wasn’t smiling.

“What are you doing here?”

“Funny thing...I live here.”

“Yeah,” He coughed, “I...what time is it?” He didn’t know how long he’d slept.

“Almost one o’clock. I worked through my dinner. Thought I’d finish early just this once. Didn’t think the boss would mind.” It was a joke, Robert knew that, Aaron often teased him about being his boss, but he feels his eyes filling with tears, sees Aaron’s face drop. “God...I’m sorry. I didn’t think.”

“Doesn’t matter. Who told you?”

“Debs. I’m so sorry, Robert.” He reaches out to touch his cheek and Robert can’t keep the tears from falling. “Come here.” Aaron gets up onto the edge of the sofa and pulls Robert into his arms. He can’t do anything except sob, knows Aaron won’t judge. He’s not usually a crier but it’s like everything has been building and now with Andy gone it’s all come spilling out. Aaron doesn’t say much, just keeps hold of him, whispering nonsense in his ear.

“I don’t want to go back up there,” He whispers when he’s calmed down. He had to be the strong one, to keep it together for Victoria, for Diane and he didn’t know if he could. He felt like he was cracking like a window pane and it wouldn’t take much for him to shatter.

“I know, but they need you.”

“What about me?” He looked up from where he was resting against Aaron’s strong, warm chest. “Who’s there for me?”

“That’s what I’m here for. When you’ve taken care of your family, you come back here to me and I’ll be here for you.” Robert nodded, wiped away the tears that lingered. He’d spent so many years alone, used to managing on his own. Having someone there to take some of the burden was nice, even in these circumstances

“You’re right, I know that. It’s just so unfair Aaron.”

“I know.” He felt a kiss on the top of his head, moved even closer to Aaron if that were possible, not ready to leave yet. He would have to soon, he knew, but for now he was happy just being in Aaron’s arms. He felt better knowing that someone was there for him.

~~~ * ~~~

Robert tried hard to concentrate on the memorial service for his brother. He’d done his best to organise everything to make sure it was done properly, that the right people were told, Diane and Victoria too upset to be much help. He knew they’d be pleased to see so many people from the village in the small church. He didn’t care, it wasn’t going to help anything. He felt like he’d been in a daze since the news came, not even Aaron and Liv could lift his spirits any. Aaron had helped though, holding him at night, letting him relive stories about he and Andy when they were children, back when they were the best of friends.

He isn’t sleeping, hasn’t since the news came. More often than not Aaron would find him on the sofa staring into space in the middle of the night, or Victoria would find him in the library with a glass of whisky in his hand. He feels Victoria squeeze his hand and he smiles down at her. He knew she was worried sick about Adam, that the same end would befall him and as much as she found him awake, he heard her crying at night when he passed by her room. He didn’t know what to say to make it better.

He took Diane’s arm as they left the church, his eyes meeting Aaron’s as he passed him where he stood at the back. He wanted him by his side, but for now he’d have to be content with the small smile, that would have to do until he could get away to the cottage.

When he finally got there he started to feel the weight of the day lift from his shoulders. It always felt that way when he was with Aaron, he could leave his worries behind. He let himself in, knowing Aaron wouldn’t mind.

“Aaron? Liv?” The place was quiet which with Liv around was unusual.

“I’m up here!” He heard Aaron call so he closed the door and made his way up the stairs. As he did he could hear Aaron in the bath and he grinned. He leant against the doorframe admiring the sight in front of him until Aaron noticed him watching and blushed.

“No Liv?”

“I...she’s staying with Gabby, in the village, just for tonight. Thought you might appreciate us being alone after today.” Robert moved closer, sitting himself down on the floor next to the bath, “Oi! Where’s my kiss?”

“You’ll get it. When you’re out of there. I know you too well!”

“You alright?” Robert leaned his head back against the wall. He wasn’t, the day had been hard and he had heard Diane commenting to a family friend that everything was Robert’s now, his responsibility. It wasn’t like he didn’t know how it worked, but the weight of expectation was back, something he’d begun to free himself of since being with Aaron. He feels tears burn his eyes again and he wipes them away angrily. He doesn’t want to cry, not because Aaron’s here, but because he wants a nice evening, where he can forget about everything just for a while.

“I am now.” It’s a corny line and he knows it but it’s the best response he’s got. Aaron grins and the next thing he knows he’s climbed out of the bath and is wrapped in a towel. He pulls Robert to his feet and kisses him, not caring that he’s getting Robert’s clothes all wet.

Together they stumble across the landing to the bedroom, knocking into the dresser on their way. Robert pulls back breathing hard and notices they’ve knocked things to the floor. Ignoring Aaron’s protests he bends down to pick them up, stopping when he sees a brown envelope with a stamp that he recognises and he looks up at Aaron in horror.

“What’s this?”

“I was going to tell you...just not tonight.” Aaron doesn’t look at him, just pulls on the first clothes he finds before sitting down heavily on the bed.

“You didn’t think I’d want to know that you’d gone and joined up?”

“Of course I did, but not after today. I thought I’d have more time. I only went to the recruiting office four days ago!”

“Why? Why would you go without talking to me first?”

“You’ve had enough on your plate this week. You knew I’d go, I said as much.”

“What happened to you go, I go and we go together?”

“I know what we said. Things are different now. You’re in charge now, it’s all yours.”

“So? I still stand by what I said…”

“Robert, don’t be angry. I was doing what I thought was right for us both.”

“What? Leaving me here on my own while you’re goodness knows where? How is that the right thing?” He can’t help pacing, the small room suffocating all of a sudden.

“Robert don’t!”

“You could’ve warned me, waited a while longer.” He wanted to beg him to stay however pathetic it looked and sounded. He couldn’t of course, now Aaron had signed up he had to go, would be shipped off to the front as quickly as they could manage it.

“I’ve waited long enough. You know I don’t want this, but we don’t make our own choices anymore. This way I get to choose...if I wait and get conscripted, they could stick me in the navy or even worse in one of those aeroplanes!” Robert chuckled despite his mood, Aaron didn’t like the sound of planes and every time he read about them in the newspaper he complained that he didn’t get how they stayed in the air.

Robert sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. His heart was beating wildly and he felt as if he would be sick any minute. He felt Aaron sit beside him, his hand coming up to rest on his back, warm and comforting. He tried to smile, after all Aaron was the one leaving, going into goodness knows what.

“Sorry, just a bit out of the blue.”

“I know. It’s time though, Robert. After everything, I have to do this.” He nodded, knew they both felt the guilt of being here, being alive when Andy wasn’t and when Adam was gone.

“Alright.” he cupped the back of Aaron’s head and kissed him, letting himself savour every moment. “When?”

“Two weeks, then a few months training.” He shrugged and Robert felt his stomach lurch. “It’s alright, you know.”

“No, it’s not. I…” He let the letter fall onto the bed next to Aaron. He wanted to scream, the thought of losing Aaron was terrifying, the thought of him going through some of the things Robert had read about in the papers, unable to stop himself from taking in every word, made him feel sick.

“Hey, listen to me.” Aaron stood up and took him by the shoulders. “We’re going to get through this, however long it lasts, you hear?” Robert nodded.

“Does Liv know?”

“Not yet. I wanted to tell you first. Did you mean what you said, about taking care of her?”

“Course. I talked to Vic about it ages ago and she’ll help. None of us would leave Liv to fend for herself Aaron, even if you and I weren’t together and Debbie’s not going anywhere is she?” Aaron shook his head.

“I haven’t seen her today. I thought she’d be at the service. I hope she’s alright.” Robert hadn’t seen her either, hadn’t thought anything of it. “I’ll find her tomorrow.”

“I’m sure she’s fine.” He rested his hands on Aaron’s waist, leaning in to hug him, to hold him close, breathing in the fresh smell of newly washed skin, committing it to memory. “Take me to bed, I don’t want to think about this until tomorrow.”

Later when they’re both sated, still wrapped up in each other, Robert smiles as he watches Aaron sleep.

“I know you’re staring.” Aaron mumbles, opening his eyes, grinning sleepily up at Robert.

“Can I help it if you’re gorgeous?”

“Hmm.” He moves away sits up slightly. “Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah. What is it?”

“Your sister...this afternoon, I heard one of the women say something to her about you needing an heir now.” Robert cursed under his breath. The obsession with inheritance was one of the things he hated about being a member of the upper classes.

“Don’t worry about it.” Aaron just scowled at him, “Fine, my grandfather’s will made sure no one could just sell the estate for at least the next two generations. The only way it can happen is if there’s no living heir and then he demanded that the money be left to a charity. It was made before my Dad and his brother were born, I think there was a feud between grandpa and his brother and he wanted to make sure he didn’t get his hands on the place or the money. At least that’s what I remember my Mum telling me. If Andy had married it would have gone to his children and so on and so forth. When Andy died it came to me.” He braced himself for Aaron to connect the dots, he would, Robert knew it.

“Oh...so it’ll go to Victoria’s children eventually then?”

“No, that was another of Grandpa’s stipulations, the female line of the family can’t inherit so if Vic has children they don’t have a claim. There’s money ready to be set aside for them but that’s all.” He sees it, the moment Aaron realises what he isn’t saying, the twitch in his eye and his heart sinks. He doesn’t want Aaron worrying about some archaic document that Robert doesn’t care about. “Aaron, don’t…”

“Down to you is it?”

“Aaron, I promise you, you mean more to me than the house, the estate and the money. None of it matters more than you.”

“You’d let it go, like that?”

“Over the alternative, yes. Aaron, I mean it. I managed without it all for ten years. I could do it again. I would do it again.”

“You can’t give all this up, for me.” Aaron sat up in bed, twisting to face Robert, horror on his face. “I’ve got nothing to offer you, I’m a chauffeur! No money, no prospects.”

“Why not? I love you. I would gladly give it all up and spend the rest of my life with you and Liv in this cottage or in my flat in London. You make me happy Aaron and I haven’t felt happy since before my Mum died, you know that. That’s worth more to me than bricks and money. You have plenty to offer me...it breaks my heart when you talk like that.” He leant forward to kiss him gently on the lips, could see Aaron was still distressed by the thought of it.

“You won’t...you’ll wait for me, won’t you?” Aaron sounded so unsure.

“What do you mean?” He asked running his hands over Aaron’s back, pressing kisses into his neck and shoulders trying to comfort him.

“When I’m gone...you won’t find anyone else?”

“Of course not! I just said so, didn’t I? It’s you I want, no one else.” He didn’t know how else he could convince Aaron that it was the truth.

~~~ * ~~~

It’s only two days later when he makes his decision. He doesn’t ask Aaron to take him, needs to wait, to work out how to tell him. He gets himself a taxi into Leeds. When he’s finished he’s about to find another when he sees his sister up ahead. Quickening his footsteps he catches up to her.

“Fancy seeing you here.” He links his arm with hers.

“Robert! Why didn’t you come in the car with me?”

“I had a few errands to run. Do you want get some tea with me?” It’s an odd request he can tell by the surprise on her face but she nods and he leads her to the tea shop across the road.

“Have you seen Debbie today?” She asks as they sit down.

“No, should I have?”

“I normally see her in the mornings. She seemed a bit...odd yesterday. Did Aaron say anything?”

“No. He’s got enough going on…” He stops as the waitress approaches their table.

“What’s wrong?” She asks as soon as they’ve placed their order. She never was one for beating around the bush, his sister.

“Aaron’s been and enlisted.” He stirs his tea slowly, not wanting to look at her, to see the pity, the understanding on her face. She knows all too well how he’s feeling of course but he’s her big brother, he should be comforting her, not the other way round.

“You knew he would though.” He’d talked to her about it endlessly, spilling out his worries, no one else to turn to.

“That doesn’t make it any easier. I’ve told him you’ll take care of Liv, you and Diane.”

“Of course we will. You’ll be there too, won’t you?”

“For a bit, yes. I’ve just been to the recruiting office myself. I leave in three months. They gave me more time, you know, because of Andy, needing to get things sorted.” It had taken a bit of persuading, all of it had, but he’d managed it. It would give him time to settle Liv into the house, and let him say goodbye to Aaron before he had to leave himself.

“Robert! Why would you do that?”

“I’d get called up eventually, you know that! I’m going into the medical corps, where I won’t have to shoot anyone. I can help people.” It wouldn’t mean he was safer but at least he could tell himself he was making a difference, that it wasn’t totally futile.

“I...oh I hate this damn war!” He takes her hand, doesn’t want her getting upset.

“Oh, Vic, don’t get upset, please. I’ll be alright, so will Aaron and so will Adam. This family has had all of its bad luck, I know it.” He tapped her nose again, trying to make her smile. “Come on, let’s finish this and we’ll go home. Did Aaron bring you?”

“Yes.”

“Ok, well don’t let on, alright? He’s telling Liv he’s leaving today, he doesn’t need anything else to worry about. I’ll tell him tomorrow. I’m going to get a taxi home. I...I can’t face him yet. Don’t say anything, will you?” She shakes her head and surprises him by reaching up to hug him tight.

It’s afternoon by the time he feels ready to see Aaron. He doesn’t know why he’s so nervous but he is. He’s spoken to Diane already about leaving and about taking care of Liv. All he has to do is make the necessary arrangements before he leaves. Just as he gets to the cottage door it’s flung open and Liv comes barreling out, tears streaming down her face. He must have told her he was leaving. He watches her until she’s out of sight, not sure whether to follow her or not, but when he turns back to the cottage he sees Aaron, looking as bad if not worse than his sister.

“You told her then?”

“I should go after her.” He tries to push past Robert, but Robert grabs his arms to stop him.

“If you go now while you’re like this she’ll just get more upset. Let me try.” He almost laughs at Aaron’s incredulous look but eventually he nods. “Don’t worry, we won’t kill each other.” He’s pleased to hear an attempt at laughter as he walks away. He can’t see Liv but he knows where she goes when she wants to be alone. He’s found her before when she and Aaron have argued.

Thankfully he’s right and he finds her sat against a tree at the edge of the wood. He groans slightly as he lowers himself to the floor beside her.

“That was a very dramatic exit. You wanting to go on the stage when you’re older?” She doesn’t say anything just leans against his shoulder. They’ve come a long way in the last year or so but she’s always kept her distance. This is the closest she’s got to him, ever, which just illustrates how upset she is. “It’ll be alright, Liv.” He assures her as he puts an arm around her.

“How? Aaron’s leaving!”

“I know. It won’t be forever. You know something? He needs you to be strong right now, because if you aren’t he isn’t going to go.”

“Good!”

“It isn’t, Liv. You can get into a lot of trouble if you don’t turn up when you’re told.”

“I don’t want him to die.” She’s always so forthright and opinionated that he sometimes forgets just how young she is. Right now she sounds like the child she is, scared and upset.

“Well, neither do I. Look I can’t promise he’ll be safe, you know that but I do know your brother and he’s going to do everything he can to get home to you.”

“You’re going to go too, aren’t you? I heard you talking.”

“Yes. If I waited, I’d be left with no choice because before long every man will have to do his bit. I enlisted this morning, I got to choose which regiment I joined.” He didn’t want her to know before Aaron, but he can’t lie to her not when it seems like she might finally trust him.

“What about me?” He tightens his hold on her, can feel her shaking.

“You’re going to move into the house with my family. Debbie will be there too. You know my sister, and Diane’s very nice. They’re looking forward to having you stay. They’ll take care of you until Aaron comes home.”

“If he comes back.” She sniffed. He pulled his handkerchief from his pocket and handed it to her.

“Hey, none of that. I told you we can’t make promises but that doesn’t mean you get to give up on him before he even leaves!” He hears leaves rustling up ahead and he sees Aaron approaching. He doesn’t say anything as he sits to the other side of Liv. Robert nudges her over to him, knowing they need each other, and she clings to Aaron like a limpet.

“It’s alright, Liv, I promise.” He hears him whisper. “Robert’s going to be here. He’ll look after you.” Robert winces, he knows Liv won’t keep quiet, and he didn’t want to tell Aaron this way.

“He’s leavin’ too! I’m going to be on my own.” Aaron’s gaze snaps to Robert and he tries to apologize with his eyes, doesn’t want the inevitable conversation with Liv still here. He knew that despite his support Aaron was almost hoping Robert would stay, wouldn’t join up, would be safe.

“I’m not leaving straight away. I’ll be here while you settle in at the house. Everything will turn out right in the end, I promise.”

“See, nothing to worry about.” Aaron gets up and holds out his hand. “Come on, I’m freezing. You know I’m gonna write, yeah? Every day. Got to keep my eye on you somehow, make sure you’re keeping out of mischief, don’t I?” He laughs as she punches his arm and the three of them make their way slowly back to the cottage. Liv walks on ahead, Robert doesn’t know if it’s on purpose or not but he’s grateful, it gives him a chance to talk to Aaron.

“I’ve got three months, so I can make sure she’s alright before I go.” He tries to reassure him. Aaron’s too quiet and it’s unnerving him.

“Not her I’m worried about.” He mumbles keeping his head down.

“I only joined up today, I was coming to tell you. You knew I would. You go, I go remember?” He wants to hold him, promise him he’s going to be alright but they’re too near the house now. “I told them everything, that I wanted to enlist and why I couldn’t be armed. I was waiting for them to say I was swinging the lead, trying to get out of it but they didn’t, they were strangely understanding. I’m going into the medical corps, stretcher bearing most likely but I’ll get some medical training and everything.”

Aaron shifts his gaze, checking Liv is out of earshot. “Robert you’re still going to the same hell that I am. You know you probably could have got an office posting or something, like Ross bloody Barton. Why would you subject yourself to the battlefield. I have no choice, I’d never be more than a simple Tommy but you...you’re going into that and you won’t be armed. Just because you’re helping people doesn’t mean you’ll be any safer!”

“I’ll be doing something useful! I know it’s not safe...what is these days? But I’ll…” He took a deep breath, he knew Aaron wouldn’t understand. “I’ll feel closer to you like this. I have to Aaron, I have to do this.”

He knows Aaron doesn’t get it, and he’s right, Robert does know people or rather his father did, that could have gotten him a cushy posting. To him, despite his reluctance to fight or use a gun, that would have been as bad as doing nothing. Sitting in an office while Aaron was God knows where would be horrendous.

“I don’t get it, I want you safe!” Aaron hissed.

“I want you safe, too! We don’t always get what we want, Aaron. If I had what I wanted we’d be staying here, with Liv, happy. I can’t have that. This is how it has to be!”

“I’m sorry.” He sighs. “We’ll be alright though, yeah? You and me? I mean we could write…”

“Course, as long as we’re careful. We’ll be fine. What did I say the other day? You’re the most important thing to me, nothing else.” He reaches out his hand, just lightly brushes it past Aaron’s, the slight touch just enough. “We’re going to be fine. One day all this will be a distant memory.”

“Yeah.” Aaron gives him a crinkly eyed smile. “Thanks for...you know, with that one.” He nods at Liv. “Are you absolutely sure your family don’t mind having her to stay?”

“Vic’s quite looking forward to having someone to fuss over.”

“Not sure how much of that Madam will take, but...oh hey speaking of Victoria, she asked me to teach her to drive earlier.”

“What? Vic did?” Robert’s surprised, but glad of the change of subject.

“Yep. Said she wanted to be prepared for when I’m gone. I said I would...what else could I say? Might be handy for her to know.”

“S’pose. Just...my little sister is all grown up.”

“Thought you’d have guessed that when she got married, soft lad.” Aaron shoved him slightly, making Robert laugh. He knew he was being daft but he still constantly reminded that he’d missed so much, and now he was going away again.

“I’ll remind you of this when Liv is Vic’s age.” Aaron smiled all the way to his eyes again and Robert was glad. He wasn’t thinking anymore about what could happen. There was nothing he could do to change their fate. All he could do was hope for the best and think about the future and the life they were going to have when the war was finally over.

As much as he’d like to he can’t spend all evening with them, feels he should spend time with his family now he’s told them he’s leaving. When he gets back to the house Victoria meets him in the hallway.

“I was just coming to find you!”

“I was with Aaron, what is it?”

“Debbie’s gone!”

“What?”

“She left this...look.” She thrust a letter at him. Reading it quickly he looked up at her. “What should we do?”

“What can we do? It says she wants to do war work. I don’t know why she left like that though, we wouldn’t stop her.”

“Do you think she told Aaron? Did he say anything?”

“I hope she did, but no he didn’t. He’s too worried about Liv. I’ll go back now, see if he knows. Can you make my excuses to Diane.” She nods, still looking worried. “She’ll be ok Vic.”

When he gets back to Aaron’s, Liv is nowhere to be seen. As soon as he tells him, it’s clear that he hadn’t known anything about Debbie leaving.

“You told me something was wrong. Why didn’t I listen?” He’s pacing up and down, making Robert dizzy. “She said I was worrying about nothing!”

“Maybe there is nothing wrong...maybe she just wanted to feel like she’s doing something.” He doesn’t really know what to say, he’s not used to family drama, it was always big explosive arguments in his family that were resolved quickly or never. He doesn’t know what to do to make it better. “She’ll write again when she’s settled, I’m sure.”

“What’s the point of that? She knows I’m leaving, that Liv’s going to be on her own.”

“Liv’s not on her own, she’s got me, then Vic and Diane will be here. It’s not the same, I know, but she’ll be well looked after.”

“Well I can’t go now, can I, not with this…”

“Aaron, come on, you don’t have a choice. Look I can’t help with Debbie, if I could think of a way of finding her, I would, you know that, but Liv will be fine. Where is she anyway?”

“Gabby’s. I’m sure the pair of them are up to something.” Robert laughed imagining the mischief those two could create. “She’s been there every night this week.” Aaron still looks distracted, worried.

“Hey, come on, Debbie’s going to be fine. She’s more than capable of standing up for herself. She did to me about you. I have no doubt that she could have hurt me if I’d done anything to upset you.”

“We’ve always talked to each other though. Her and Liv, they’re all I’ve had for so long and now she’s gone.” Robert wished he knew how to comfort him. He’s a little angry at Debbie for just leaving without talking to him, and he wonders if they’d all missed something wrapped up in grief and each other the way they had been.

“Well I’m a poor substitute but I’m still here. Is there anyone she might have gone to, that we can contact...any place she might go?” Fed up of Aaron’s pacing back and forth he reaches out and tugs him closer, wrapping his arms around his middle hoping he’ll start to relax.

“She always wanted to go to London.”

“Good place to go if you don’t want to be found...and I hate to say it but if that’s what she wants…”

“I know! I can’t believe she’s done this.” He pulls out of Robert’s arms, resuming his pacing.

“Come and sit. You’re just working yourself up. She knows where you are, she’ll write or something, I’m sure of it. You getting stressed isn’t going to help anything.”

“I know, Robert!” He snaps. “How would you like it if one of your family just disappeared?” Robert knows he doesn’t mean it, is just lashing out, but it hurts. He doesn’t say anything, it’ll only descend into a proper argument if he does. “God, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“It’s fine.” He lets Aaron hold him, can’t make himself relax though. “You’re upset.”

“Doesn’t mean I should take it out on you though.” Robert feels him take a deep breath. “There’s nothing I can do, is there? She’s made her choice.”

“Yeah. You can’t worry about everyone. It’s hard but…” He sighs, “Do you want me to go?” Maybe he just wants to be alone, Robert’s sure he’s not helping, however much he’d like to.

“No, stay, please.”

“Mmm, sit down properly then. A night on the sofa sound good to you? Everything else can wait until tomorrow.” Aaron just nods as he settles himself on the sofa and leans back into Robert’s arms.

~~~ * ~~~

Aaron tried not to grimace too noticeably as the car gears crunched and protested at their treatment as the car lurched up the main road of the village. He’d suggested they stay on the Home Farm estate but Victoria, being as stubborn as her brother apparently, had insisted they go to the village.

“You need to really press that pedal, Miss.” He tried not to sound too bossy. Navigating his way through working for her as well as being in a relationship with her brother hadn’t been an issue at all but sometimes it was odd.

“I am!” She snapped, wrenching the gear lever from side to side.

“Well press it harder!”

“It won’t bloody well go!” The car lurched to a stop as she burst out laughing. He couldn’t help but join in. “Oh I’m glad my brother isn’t around to hear that!”

“So am I! Right, now, just try being a little more firm, huh? It’s not going to break.” He hoped he was right.

“It’s very good of you, Aaron, to do this. I know you must be busy getting ready to leave.” She took a deep breath and tried to change gear again. Apparently the distraction of chatting had helped as this time there was no crunching and they carried on smoothly along the road.

“I don’t mind. I…”

“What is it?”

“I’ve to put a next of kin when I get to training. It was going to be Debbie but now she’s gone and I don’t know where she is. It can’t be Robert...and not Liv. I wondered if...”

“I’ll do it. I’m helping care for Liv after all. If I’m not there, Diane will...oh.”

“Where are you going?” He asked before he could stop himself. “Sorry none of my business.”

“Don’t tell my brother, not yet, but since my husband left I’ve been thinking of being a nurse. I’ve not joined yet but Robert will go mad! Anyway Diane can deal with my post, so yes Aaron, put my name down if it will help.”

He gulped, he sometimes couldn’t believe how nice this family was to him and Liv. “I’ll not say anything. I think he’ll be proud you know...once he’s stopped trying to talk you out of it.”

“Maybe...I’ll make sure Diane knows to tell Robert, without giving you away...not that I think anything is going to happen! How’s that?” He grinned and shook his head at her enthusiasm. He supposed her idea was good, it protected his sister and Debbie, if she came back, as much as possible should bad news come and he was sure Robert would be told. He couldn’t bear the idea that Robert wouldn’t know anything.

“As long as she doesn’t mind, Miss, thank you. That puts my mind at rest.”

“Well nothing is going to happen, so no need to worry, right?” He knew she was putting on a brave face, Robert had told him how worried she was about her husband, how upset she was about Andy, but in these times nobody could grieve for long before they had to pick themselves up and get on.

“Right.” He glanced back at the road. “You might want to avoid the hedge, Miss.”

“Oh hell!” She wrenched the steering wheel, missing the hedge by inches. “Stop calling me Miss. I’m your friend, aren’t I?”

“Yes, I suppose you are. I’ll try to remember.” They’d come so far since she’d found out about he and Robert and she was right they were more like friends now. He’d never really had that before. “You’re not too bad at this you know.”

“Thank you.” She concentrated properly on the road now as they headed back to the house. “He’s going to miss you, you know, when you go.”

“I’m going to miss him.”

“You’re very good for him. He’s like a different person. I don’t know what went on before he left and I know he won’t tell me, but he’s better now than he was then, more settled I suppose.” Aaron didn’t answer, but it made his heart skip to know that it was obvious to her how happy Robert was, because of him, in part at least.

“Look after him for me, if…” His throat tightens, he can’t get the words out.

“Of course I will. Besides you’ll both be back in a flash, I know it. You take care of yourself, Aaron, you hear?”

“I daren’t do anything else!” They came to a stop and she switched off the engine. “I think you’re about ready to drive by yourself. Just remember what I said about that pedal!” He ducks as she tries to slap his arm, the pair of them still laughing as Robert comes out of the door to greet them.

~~~ * ~~~

The platform at King’s Cross is already busy as Robert arrives to wait for Aaron’s train to come. It feels like it’s been years since he last saw him, not three months. Still he shouldn’t complain, this was an unexpected pleasure. They’d expected Aaron to have to leave for wherever straight after his training but he’d been given forty eight hours leave. He thinks of Liv, and the look she’d given him as he’d left the previous afternoon. Aaron had asked Robert not to bring her, didn’t think it fair to subject her to another upsetting goodbye and Robert had reluctantly agreed. The first one had been bad enough.

They’d moved her things over to the house and Aaron had helped her sort them before it was time for him to leave. She’d turned on him then, both of them really, shouting that they were abandoning her, and had refused to say goodbye. Aaron had hugged her close despite her reluctance, her body rigid in it’s stubbornness. Robert could do nothing but watch, it wasn’t his place to interfere, but he saw the hurt on both their faces. Eventually Aaron had pulled away and said goodbye before rushing from the room tears threatening. He hadn’t even a foot on the stairs before Liv flung herself down on the bed crying.

Thank goodness for Victoria. She had gone to her while Robert had followed Aaron. He’d promised him Liv was alright, that she didn’t mean it, didn’t hate him, all the while feeling out of his depth. That wasn’t to say their own goodbye was any easier but they’d managed and Aaron had left for the station with Debbie to see him off.

Since then he’d only had one letter. They’d both agreed in the end that writing cold, formal letters would be too hard and it was too risky to be themselves, so they’d decided it was better not to write at all. This letter had informed him that Aaron had leave and would meet him at the station.

He’s knocked from his memories by the whistle and chugging of the train coming into the station and he waits patiently trying to school his emotions, as the train pulls to a stop and hands reach out of windows and pull down the door handles before people spill onto the platform. He can’t make Aaron out, there are so many soldiers he can’t see him. For a while he thinks he’s missed him or he’s on another train but then he’s there, right in front of him, a small smile lighting his face.

He feels his words die in his throat as he takes him in. He’s in his full uniform, complete with rifle and tin helmet. He looks...good. Robert could perhaps, given time, come up with a hundred better ways to describe him but all he’s got right now is good. He doesn’t like the uniform or what it represents but he can’t deny it suits him.

“Robert?” Aaron’s looking at him, barely holding in his laughter. How long had he been daydreaming he wonders.

“Sorry, miles away. How are you?” He doesn’t like this, stilted conversations like they hardly know each other.

“I’m ok...you know. So…” he moves a little closer, lowers his voice so Robert has to strain to hear him. “You going to show me this flat of yours then?”

“Of course. I, er...have a meeting first though, with my solicitor.” He doesn’t tell him that it’s to sort out his will before he leaves and he certainly isn’t telling him that everything that he can he’s leaving to Aaron and Liv, because Aaron will refuse and they’ll argue and ruin the precious little time they have. “Estate stuff, before I leave. Can I meet you there...about four? I’ve written down the address, get yourself a taxi…sorry he couldn’t do any other time.”

“It’s fine. I might do a little sightseeing...might go see where the King himself lives. See what it is I’m fightin’ for.” He takes the piece of paper with the address, their fingers grazing as he does and Robert has to use all his might not to reach for him.

“Well, have fun. I’ll...see you later then.”

“You will. Oh and Robert...you know.” Robert smiles, and nods as Aaron walks away.

He hurries to find his own taxi so he can get this meeting over with. The sooner he does, the sooner he can be with Aaron.

~~~ * ~~~

Finally the knock came on the door to his London flat. He’d deny to his dying day that he ran to it and flung it open, just glad to see Aaron, even though it had only been hours since he saw him last. The month that he’d been gone for training was hard enough, he honestly had no idea how he would cope after tomorrow.

“Did you miss me?” He asked playfully as he tugged Aaron inside.

“Nah, glad of the peace to be honest.”

“Oi!” Robert couldn’t help staring at Aaron, dressed in his army uniform. He’d seen him in it before and no matter how terrifying the future was he couldn’t deny how good Aaron looked.

“You done eyeing me up?” Aaron quipped, shrugging off his army greatcoat.

“Not in the slightest. Come here.” He reached out for Aaron’s hand, tugging him closer. “You want some food? There’s not much in but I can find something…”

“Maybe later.” Aaron smiled, tugging him towards the only other door, through to the bedroom.

“Do you ever think about the future?” Aaron asks later when he’s lying in Robert’s arms. “When the war is over?”

“Sometimes, why?” He does, often, especially now he’s here. He could happily stay here with Aaron, just the two of them, no one to bother them. It’s a pipedream, they both have responsibilities and they’ll still be there after the war, but it’s nice thought.

“You think we’ll get through it? Still be...us?”

“Why wouldn’t we?”

“Dunno...just things change, don’t they?”

“Not us...I told you.” He could only hope he was right. Aaron didn’t answer and it wasn’t long before he heard his breathing even out as he fell asleep. Robert stayed awake, holding on to him, not wanting to let go until he had to.

Robert wakes the next morning, sunlight poking through a gap in the curtains. He checked his watch, saw they still had time before Aaron would have to leave to catch his train. He turned to him, smiling at the sight. Fast asleep on his front, hands lightly clutching the pillow. Robert couldn’t help running his fingers down his back, the sheets pushed down to his waist.

“Mmm?” He murmured, still mostly asleep.

“Morning sleepyhead.” He teased, Aaron scowling. Robert just chuckled, he knew the only way he was getting through the next few hours was by keeping as cheerful as possible. “Want some breakfast? As you distracted me last night.”

“Not sure I was the one doing all the distracting.” Aaron pulled himself upright against the headboard, “In a bit. I want to talk to you first.”

“Don’t make me start saying goodbye yet,” Robert pleaded. He let Aaron tug him closer, wrapping his arms around him, not letting him go.

“I just want to say thank you. For sorting out Liv, making sure she’ll be ok if anything happens.”

“Nothing’s going to happen.” If he said it enough then surely it would be true.

“It might,” he shrugged, “but at least I know everything is settled for her. Makes things easier for me.”

“Promise me you’ll be careful,” Robert pleaded, sitting up slightly, facing Aaron. “Please don’t do anything stupid.”

“I won’t...just let me say this...then I’ll shut up. Victoria will write to you, if anything…” Robert put a hand to Aaron’s lips, couldn’t bear to hear him say the words.

“I’m going to make breakfast.” He had to get up or he was going to break down and he’d promised himself he wouldn’t do that in front of Aaron, no matter how much his heart was breaking. “I’ll bring it in, don’t move.”

He busied himself for the next while making tea and toast. He knew, they both did that today could easily be the last time they saw each other. At best it could be years before they were together again. He didn’t want to think about any of it, wanted to push it all away and spend his last few hours with Aaron, without the war hanging over them.

A few hours later and they’re still laying in bed, neither one wanting to move, to let the other out of their sight any longer than they have to, the remains of breakfast left on the tray.

“I have to get up.” Aaron insisted, trying to pull free from his grip. “Robert, you have to let me go.”

“I can’t.”

“You have to. Please, Robert, don’t make this any harder.” Robert sighs, reluctantly loosens his grip, watches as he gets up and heads to the bathroom. In the end he follows him, watching as he washes his face, eyes meeting in the mirror.

“I’ll go get dressed,” He tells Aaron.

“Don’t. Not yet. Let me remember leaving you in bed,” He shifts his gaze shyly. Robert smiles and nods, heads back to the bed, wrapping himself in the sheets that still smell like Aaron. It makes his heart ache and Aaron hasn’t even left yet.

Once Aaron is dressed he sits back down on the edge of the bed and takes Robert’s hand, their foreheads touching. He doesn’t speak and Robert can hear his breathing, closes his eyes.

“I don’t want to go.”

“I know.” He chokes out, grabbing Aaron’s free hand.

“I’ll come back, I will. You’re not getting rid of me that easy.” Robert nods, can’t speak anymore. “I want you to have this.” Robert looks up, then down at his hand, sees him holding a ring in his palm. “It’s the one my Mum gave me before she left.”

“Aaron…”

“Wear it for me, remember me.” He nods, his voice failing him once more. He watches silently as Aaron slides plain silver band onto his finger, both of them with tears threatening. He wipes away the ones that fall down Aaron’s cheeks.

“I didn’t…” He reaches back to the bedside table, “Will you take this?” He holds out his pocket watch, knowing Aaron understands just what it means to him. He hadn’t thought of giving Aaron anything, unlike his sister and Adam who could have photographs, he hadn’t thought of what Aaron could take and now he felt bad. The watch was all he had.

“Robert, no. Not that.”

“I want you to have it. Think of the life we’re going to have when all of this is over. We’re going to be so happy, Aaron, somehow. I promise.”

He almost falls back onto the bed when Aaron launches himself forward to kiss him. He wants to drag him back to bed and lock them both away until the war is over, but he can’t and he knows their time is almost up.

“Aaron.” He forces himself to pull away, to break the kiss. “Aaron you have to go.”

“I know. Please, keep yourself safe. I can’t lose you. I love you so much.”

“I love you too.” He bites his lip, “I wish you’d let me come with you to the station.”

“I can’t. I’d give us away, I know I would. Like I said, let me imagine you here safe, in bed, waiting for me.” He runs a hand down Robert’s cheek, cupping his jaw as if memorising him. Robert had to close his eyes at the look on his face.

“One day.” He tries to smile, “Wait.” He kneels up on the bed, reaches out to flatten Aaron’s collar. “There perfect.”

Aaron takes his hand again, thumb rubbing over the ring he’d put there minutes earlier and smiles. Robert captures his lips in what he knows will be their last kiss for a long time, holding him as close as he can, the uniform scratching against him, Aaron’s beard a comfortable tickle against his skin.

“I love you.” Aaron whispers and with that he moves away, picks up his bag and leaves, not looking back until he reaches the doorway. Robert fixes a smile in place, waits until he hears the door to the flat slam shut before he lets the tears flow.

 

 


	3. Chapter Three

“I’m off to bed, Diane. I need to finish my packing.” Robert got to his feet, kissed her on the cheek before pouring himself a glass of whisky to take upstairs with him.

“Alright pet. Are you sure you don’t want us to come with you tomorrow?”

“No. I don’t want to say goodbye on a station platform. Here’s best.” The last time he’d said goodbye to someone on that platform was his father and he didn’t want those memories coming back up tomorrow of all days. He would have gone with Aaron if he’d wanted him to but he couldn’t face it with his family.

“You know I’m proud of you don’t you, and your father would be too.” He shook his head, he wishes she’d stop. He knows she has no idea what really happened back then but his obvious reluctance to talk about Jack should be a clue for her to stop. Maybe he would be proud of his son going off to war, Robert didn’t know, tried not to think about it too much, but that didn’t undo everything else that had happened between the two of them, didn’t even come close.

“Goodnight, Diane.” He smiles, and leaves the room, tiredly climbing the stairs. He checks on Liv makes sure she’s sleeping soundly. It’s a habit he got into when she first moved in and couldn’t, or wouldn’t sleep, and he finds it a hard one to break.

In his room with the door closed, he can let the facade go, the false happiness. He’s tired, he misses Aaron more than he thought possible, and if he’s honest with himself, he’s scared. It’s only training that he’s got to face, for now, but he doesn’t like the unknown, likes to be in control and he can feel it slipping, if it hasn’t been lost already. Sighing to himself he takes out his writing set. He has one last thing to do before he leaves.

 

Robert put down his pen and rubbed at his eyes. The letter seemed so inadequate somehow but he had to write it, had to be able to tell Aaron how he felt if he didn’t come home again.

As he sealed the envelope there was a knock at his bedroom door. He called out for them to come in as he scrawled Aaron’s name on the letter and put it in his desk drawer.

“Robert?”

“Liv? It’s late. Are you alright?”

“Couldn’t sleep. Dreamt about Aaron.”

“I was going down to make some cocoa. You want to join me? If we’re careful Mrs L won’t even know we were there.” She smiled and he got to his feet, just wanting to go to sleep but he’d promised Aaron he’d look after her so he would. He eyed the suitcase, packed and ready by his wardrobe, waiting for him to leave the next morning.

“He’ll write soon you know. It takes time to get where he’s going and get an address. Then he’ll write.” He assured her, knew she was worried because there had been no letters. He put her mug down on the kitchen table before sitting opposite her.

“Do you miss him?”

“Every day.” He leaned his head on his hand. “It’ll be over before you know it. Until then you just have fun. Aaron won’t want you moping. This is your home now, so treat it as such, alright?”

“But it’s so...grand.”

“I know but...you know Andy and I used to slide down the bannisters when we were children. Not when my Dad was home but any other time we would. Our nanny used to give us such a telling off.” It still hurt to talk about his brother but he found it was getting easier. “If we can do that, then you can stop creeping round like you’re in a cathedral and going to be chucked out any minute.”

“Aaron said I had to behave.”

“I don’t mean go around breaking things. Aaron would want you to be the same feisty Liv you’ve always been, the one we know and love. So do I.”

She frowned. “You love me? I thought you only put up with me because of him.”

“I did at first, but you didn’t like me much then either. You’re not that bad I suppose. You’re a good girl Liv, who wouldn’t like you?” He took a sip of cocoa, “So you gonna send a poor soldier some letters then?”

“You want me to write to you?”

“Yeah. Vic isn’t here for much longer and Diane is no good for gossip so I need you to keep me up to date with everything that’s going on around here. You can send me some of your pictures as well.” He’d discovered her talent for art the week before when he stumbled upon her sketching his sister one morning at breakfast. “Send some to Aaron too. He’ll be really surprised.” She nodded, her eyes lighting up at the praise.

“I will. You really think he’ll like them?”

“Course! You think you can sleep now?” She nodded. “Come on then, early start tomorrow.” He had to leave on the early train and everyone had insisted on getting up to see him off. He’d had to force his sister and Diane to stay at home and not come to the station with him. He couldn’t handle a big goodbye scene on the platform, he just wanted to get on the train quietly and go.

~~~ * ~~~

France - Autumn 1917

Robert huddled from the cold in the small dugout, three others sharing the cramped space. It had been raining all day, felt like it had been raining for months. At least he had some shelter. Many of those on the front line didn’t have the luxury. It was day six of an eight day rotation and he was exhausted. He should have four days rest at the end of it but it rarely worked out that way. He can’t remember the last time he had proper uninterrupted sleep. Even when he’d been lucky enough to get home on leave he hadn’t been able to sleep properly.

He’d read the news reports like everyone else before joining up but nothing could have prepared him for the things he’d seen in the months he’d been here. He’d been lucky, being stationed at one of the dressing stations further back, up until a few weeks ago. It wasn’t that much more pleasant but the need for stretcher bearers at the front meant he’d been moved. He knew it would be bad, had seen enough at the dressing station but he could never have imagined the things he’d see.

The hardest thing was the interminable wait to be able to retrieve the injured from No Man’s Land. Having to hear the screams and pleas for help that were carried on the wind to them was unbearable. Often enough by the time they got to them they were beyond help. On the worst days, when they got back to the trenches, when they could try and get some rest, he couldn’t get those images from his mind. Every time he closed his eyes they were there, haunting him. He told himself he was doing good, that he had helped people but the knowledge of those left behind, that they couldn’t help would stay with him, he knew, for the rest of his life.

Sitting here, waiting for the next bout of hell, his mind turned to Aaron, as it always did. Last time he’d been able to get home on leave Liv had shown him the letters she’d received from him. Aaron was always a man of few words and the letters were no different. They gave nothing away, were full of jokes and happy words for his sister. They didn’t tell Robert anything about how he was, how he was coping, but at least he was alive. On the darkest days when he’s bone weary, he can’t help but imagine Aaron in the place of the men he finds, lying in shell holes, bodies broken, minds too in all likelihood. He tries to banish them, push them away because if not he’ll go mad, but they linger, ever present.

If he tries hard enough he can conjure up memories of better days, of watching Aaron messing around with Liv in the garden, or the two of them alone at night. He can never seem to keep those memories close enough though, they always fade too quickly.

He shakes his head as one of the others offers him a cigarette, leans back against the wall, closing his eyes trying to block out their chatter. He keeps himself to himself here, he enjoys the banter that they have, they play cards and he listens when they talk about their families but they’re not friends. He supposes they are forged together by what they’re doing if nothing else. He sighs, knowing they’ll be needed before long, can’t relax properly and his mind is moving too fast, so he takes out his writing paper and his pen to write a letter to Victoria to pass the time until they’re called upon. She’s at a local hospital not many miles away, by a stroke of luck, and he’s managed to get to see her a few times.

He’s still writing when they are called so he stuffs the unfinished letter back into his pocket. He hadn’t even noticed that the shells had stopped falling. He can only imagine the carnage that’s waiting for them. The rain will only make it harder, the thick sucking mud making him fear he’ll be stuck there for good, left to rot. He hates it, wants nothing more than to be at home, curled up in bed with Aaron, safe and warm and loved.

They say your life flashes before your eyes as you’re about to die. He hears the whine of the shell, hears the boom as it explodes, feels the ground shake beneath his feet. It feels like it’s right on top of him, but it can’t be, he’s still here. He can feel the hot searing pain in his chest and his leg and when he opens his eyes he would swear that Aaron is there. He must be safe now, now that Aaron’s here. Knowing that he closes his eyes, lets the world go dark.

~~~ * ~~~

“Nurse Barton, I need you to stay, we’ve more injured coming in.”

“Of course, sister.” Victoria sighed, it wasn’t like she could refuse. She’d already been on duty for ten hours and she felt like she could sleep where she stood. She took a moment to splash some water on her face, a feeble attempt to wake herself up, before going to stand outside the hospital to await the ambulances.

They always hear them long before they saw them, bells ringing alerting them to the misery and suffering coming their way. She helped as many as she could inside the worst of them going straight to the waiting doctors, the others just glad to be out of the firing line.

She had felt so out of her depth when she first came here, not used to hard work and for a while she felt it was a waste of time, that she’d never be any good at it, but now many months later she was beginning to feel she was doing some good. The recent weekend that she’d spent with Adam when he was able to get leave felt so far away. He’d travelled such a way to get to her but it was bliss to see him, be near him again, not knowing when they’d get the chance again.

“Ah nurse!” The sister bustled up to her, efficient as ever. “There’s a patient in the side room that needs watching, probably all night. I need you to find his details and anything else you can.” Victoria nodded, knowing that the side rooms held the most badly injured. Not the nicest of tasks to have but it did mean she could sit down while she kept an eye on him, and she’d take any chance she could to rest her aching feet.

When she gets there, there are two doctors treating him, one at his chest, one at his feet, swiftly removing his uniform. She moved to the head of the bed, barely looking at the patient whose head was also covered in dressings, as she watched the doctors work and replace the dressings that had obviously been applied in the dressing station, rudimentary but they did their best.

“Don’t just stand there nurse!” One of the doctors barked at her, making her jump. Nodding she carefully found the chain that held the soldier’s identity discs. As she did her fingers caught on another chain and she frowned, pulling at it gently she found it held a ring. Ignoring it for the moment she felt for the discs she needed to find out the identity of the poor man in front of her. As her eyes read the initials and surname on the deep red/brown disc that she’d seen so many of, she felt the floor shift beneath her.

“No…”

“What is it nurse?”

“That’s...he’s my brother.” She knew admitting it meant she probably wouldn’t be able to stay with him. “I’m alright...really. It’s just a shock.”

“There’s no one else available to watch him for now. Are you sure you’re alright?” The usually gruff doctor smiles at her kindly. She nods, she has to be, Robert needs her to be. “There’s nothing to be ashamed of if it’s too much you know.”

“No I know, but I want to. I’ll tell Sister if it’s too much.”

“Alright then. They said he was caught in the blast of a shell when he was helping the wounded. Quite lucky really,” Victoria looked down at her brother, motionless on the bed covered in bandages and blood, and wasn’t sure lucky was the word she would use. “If he’d been much closer he wouldn’t have made it here dear, in that respect he’s lucky. We’ll look after him the best we can, you know that. Now, you can get him cleaned up and then I’ll be back to check on him as soon as I can before he goes to surgery. Call someone if you need help, like I say no shame in it.” He was a nice man, she thought, not like some of the doctors who didn’t give the nurses the time of day except to bark orders at them.

When he’d gone she busied herself finding everything she needed to get Robert cleaned up, trying not to look at him, trying not to get upset. She had seen men who were a lot worse off than him but this was Robert. Going back to him she gently started to clean the blood away from his face, hoping for some sign that he would be waking up. When she got to his chest she found the ring once again. She had never seen it before, knew only one person it could be from. Carefully she unclasped the chain that held it and removed it. It would be taken off before his surgery and likely lost.

“I’ll take good care of it, I promise.” She whispered, putting it into her uniform pocket. When he was awake he could have it back.

During the night Robert didn’t move, didn’t wake up, but he was still alive that was the main thing. Victoria hadn’t taken her eyes off him, not even when one of the other nurses had brought her a cup of tea on Sister’s orders before she’d relieved her and taken over so Victoria could rest. Not that she’d been able to sleep but she felt better as she came back on duty.

“Ah nurse, there you are. Corporal Sugden came through surgery very well. It’s early days obviously but I think he’s out of immediate danger. We managed to remove most of the shrapnel but that left behind won’t cause him any undue harm. His war is most likely over though.”

“Thank you doctor. Will he wake up soon?”

“A day or two possibly, he needs to heal. Maybe sooner. I’ve spoken to Sister and she says you can look after him as long as one of the other nurses undertakes any medication and all that kind of thing.” He smiled at her.

She sighed in relief as he walked away. Robert would be alright, that was the main thing and now she felt able to write home. It wasn’t the best news but at least it was something.

~~~ * ~~~

Two long days later and Robert finally looks like he might be waking up. Victoria’s by his bed once again, although this time she’s off duty, the ward sister relenting on the rules so she can be there when he does wake.

“Mmm.” She shifts her gaze to him, feels his fingers twitching against hers.

“Robert? It’s me. Can you hear me?”

“Vic?” His voice is hoarse, doesn’t sound like him. He shifts, immediately groaning in pain. “What…”

“You’re in the hospital. Try and stay still, you’re going to be in pain for a while.” She should fetch the doctor she knew that, but she wanted peace and quiet to talk to him first. “What am I going to do with you, hmm?”

“What happened?” He coughs, and winces but settles back down against the pillows. He’s so pale and she’s worried but he’s awake, that’s the best hope she’s got.

“Enemy shell they said. The blast got you...I was so worried, Robert. I’m so glad you’re awake.” She leans over him and kisses his forehead like he’s done to her hundreds of times before.

“Hurt?”

“Of course, idiot. Why else would you be here. Shrapnel mostly, to your chest which is why it hurts when you cough, and your leg. Could have been worse.” Suddenly he puts a hand to his neck, searching. “What’s the matter?”

“Ring...need it.”

“Shh, I have it. It’s safe in my room.” She brushed the hair off his forehead. “I’ll fetch it in a bit. I need to tell the doctor you’re awake.” He nodded, already falling back to sleep. She sighed, glad he hadn’t asked about Aaron. In her last letter, Liv had worriedly mentioned that she hadn’t heard from him for weeks and Victoria didn’t want to add to her brother’s worry. He had enough to deal with.

~~~ * ~~~

Now Robert is awake and no longer in any danger she has to get back to her usual duties. Luckily the Sister is turning a blind eye to her checking in on him throughout the day. She supposes as long as her work is done she won’t get into trouble. He’s been sleeping a lot which is a good thing because when he’s sleeping he isn’t in pain but she knows when he’s more lucid he’s going to ask her about Aaron and she’s going to have to break his heart.

It’s that afternoon, three days after he arrived that he’s awake long enough for her to talk to him properly. She touches the envelope in her pocket trying to work out what to say, the best way to tell him. She’s noticed him, whenever he’s awake, he’ll touch the chain round his neck, finds the ring and holds it, almost clinging onto it. She has to tell him, as soon as he’s a bit stronger he’ll be leaving for a hospital in England and she can’t go with him.

“How are you feeling?” She asks, striding into the room, immediately plumping up the pillows behind him.

“I’m fine, Vic, don’t fuss.” He bats her hand away as she feels his forehead.

“You’re my brother, it’s my job.” She sits on the chair next to the bed. She’d been so afraid she was going to lose him, would be on her own. She knew she had Adam but she would feel alone if she lost both her brothers. “Rob, I...I need to talk to you. It’s...it’s about Aaron.” She takes the envelope from her pocket.

~~~ * ~~~

Even in the state he’s in, body throbbing with pain, mind still fuzzy from whatever drugs they’ve given him even a few days later, he knows what she’s going to say. She has never been able to keep a secret, her face gives her away every time.

“Don’t…” He can’t hear it. “Vic, please.”

“I’m sorry Robert. I’m so sorry. It was waiting for me last night.” She passes him the telegram, he can’t bear to even read the words. “It says missing, maybe he’s just…”

“No!” Pain slices through him at his shout but he barely feels it, doesn’t feel anything. “He’s not. They don’t...they mean...he’s not coming back, Vic.”

“You don’t know that.” He shook his head, didn’t want to hear it. He glanced at the telegram, the words mirroring those on the one they received about Andy. There was nothing there to give him false hope, no matter how much he wishes for it. “They could have made a mistake, maybe it isn’t him.”

He just looked at her before reaching up to grab the identification discs. “That’s why we have these Vic! I can’t...I know you’re...trying to help…” He couldn’t catch his breath, it felt like he had a huge weight on top of his chest, something was missing.

“Robert, you need to try and stay calm. Let me get someone.” He grabs hold of her hand, not letting her go. “I have to get someone Robert.”

“In...minute.”

“I shouldn’t have told you, should have let you get stronger first.” She gets to her feet, kisses his forehead, trying to calm him down.

“Wouldn’t change anything.” Still he couldn’t catch his breath.

“I have to get your Doctor...I’ll get into trouble.” He nods and turns his face away from her, trying to hide the fact he can feel tears stinging his eyes. He knew she’d want to stay and comfort him and he couldn’t cope with that and he couldn’t tell her that right now he was wishing he hadn’t woken up at all.

~~~ * ~~~

“Hello stranger.” Robert looks up from the book he’s pretending to read, the words started merging together ages ago, but it stops anyone trying to engage him in conversation, to see Chrissie by the side of his bed. He can’t remember the last time he saw her, probably Andy’s funeral he thinks. If he’s honest he’s glad of the distraction. The days here are boring and long.

He’s been here a month already and he feels as though he’s going out of his mind. He’s not strong enough yet to be outside so he’s stuck indoors, in bed most of the time, with little to do except think. He doesn’t want to think, it brings up too many memories and thoughts that he doesn’t want. He was lucky in one respect, he’d been brought to a hospital in Leeds so at least he wasn’t far from home, it meant Diane and Liv could visit.

He wishes he could leave and go back to Home Farm but the doctors insist he isn’t well enough. He doesn’t care, he wants to be at home where he might manage to find some happy memories to fill his mind with rather than the constant replaying of an imagined death that fills it now.

“What are you doing here? Did Diane tell you I was here?” He doesn’t know why else she’d be here, he certainly hasn’t been in contact with her.

“No, nothing like that. I help to run the place. It’s more honorary really, but it’s close to home and it means I’m doing my bit.” She perches on the chair beside his bed, hands in her lap. “Whatever happened to you?”

“Shell blast. Could be worse.” He tries to smile, knows he fails. “At least I’m alive.”

“You lost friends?” He had, some of the chaps he’d been sharing small cramped spaces with for months. He supposed they had become friends of a sort. That’s not what he meant but he’ll let her believe it is, easier that way.

“Something like that. How are you?”

“Well, you know…” She shrugs, “I’m engaged, by the way.”

“Congratulations.”

“I do hope your stepmother won’t be too disappointed?” He laughs, properly this time. It all feels so long ago, a different lifetime.

“I’m glad you’re happy.”

“You will be too, one day. When this is over...when you’re better…” She trails off as he shakes his head. “Robert, what is it? I know we’re not what you’d call close friends but if I can help…”

“No, you can’t. No one can.” He’s so close to just telling her everything, and to hell with the consequences. After all what does it matter now anyway, Aaron’s dead. “Never mind, it’s not your problem to worry about.” She frowns but doesn’t say anything more about it.

He only half listens as she chatters away, obviously trying to lift his spirits. He lets his mind drift to when he arrived here. It was miles better than the hospital in France, he knew that, but he was alone here, no Victoria to take his mind off things whenever she could. Here all he had were his thoughts.

Diane had brought Liv to visit that first week. Hadn’t that been the most horrendous thing he’s ever had to do, telling her about her brother, watching her crumple in front of him. He was glad he was the one to do it, but with Diane sitting by the bed, one of many in the ward meaning they had no privacy with Robert unable to leave it, it made for a painful conversation. Liv was almost hysterical and he was trying not to cry and could do nothing more than hold her and promise her that they would look after her, no matter what. He didn’t think he’d ever felt more useless.

He’d written to her plenty of times since, almost daily, promising again he’d look after her, like Aaron wanted. He hadn’t heard back yet, it’d been weeks and it was killing him being stuck in bed not being able to help.

“Robert are you listening?” Chrissie’s voice broke into his thoughts, he hadn’t heard a word she’d said, too deep in his own head. “Do you want me to fetch someone?”

“Sorry...I keep doing that. Do you...I’m rather tired…” He wouldn’t sleep but he needed to be alone, or at least as alone as you could get in this place.

“Of course. I’ll pop in another time. I’m here three or four days a week so if you need anything just get one of the nurses to fetch me.” He nodded and she kissed his cheek before she left. He felt a bit bad, none of it was her fault, he just wasn’t in the mood for small talk.

Later that afternoon he’s handed a thicker envelope than normal with his post. Tossing the rest to one side he rips it open, recognising Liv’s looping handwriting straight away. There’s a single sheet of her writing paper wrapped round four envelopes. He frowns, glancing at the words she’s written.

_Aaron sent these to me. I didn’t send them on, didn’t want to get you both into trouble. I thought you’d like to have them.  
_

_Liv_

He swallowed hard, seeing Aaron’s handwriting, running his thumb over the ink. He could already feel tears burning his eyes, knew he couldn’t let them fall, not now, not here. He wanted to rip them open and devour his words but he doesn’t know if he’s strong enough to read the last words Aaron would say to him.

He must sit there for over an hour just staring at the envelopes. He might have growled at one nurse who came to check on him and tried to tidy them away suggesting he get some rest. It’s dark by the time he summons up the courage to open the first letter. Liv had put numbers in the corner of each one as she’d got them, and that single gesture undoes him before he’s even opened the first envelope. Thankfully the thin screens, that really did no practical good, have been moved between the beds for the night, giving him at least the illusion of privacy. Taking a deep breath he carefully rips open the first of the letters.

_R_

_I still don’t know how you are. I hope you’re safe. I’m cold and tired but I’m alright for now. It isn’t that bad here, we pass the time playing cards, though not for money thankfully! I miss you so much I ache. I think about when this is over, when we can be together again. It’s what keeps me going some days. I hope to God you’re safe. I love you_

_A._

He reads the next two in quick succession, drinking in the words. They might only be short but they’re all Aaron. He knows he’s crying, has to keep swiping the tears away as he reads, the words keep blurring until he blinks, but he can’t stop.

_R._

_It’s been days since we last moved position. So many men gone, some I knew. I think of you when the stretcher bearers go out to bring them back, hoping you never have to think of me that way. It’s too much sometimes and I wonder how they stand it. I hear people say we’re doing good, that it’s worth it, but I'm beginning to wonder more and more. I want to hold you, I want you to make it better. I wish I was with you, in our cottage, the fire blazing, wrapped up in each other’s arms. I love you._

_A._

_R._

_I’m beginning to wonder how long it will be before we can see each other again. It’s been days since we’ve been stood down. I slept standing up last night. I’m so tired. I even imagined you were here. It was the best thing that has happened for a long time. I’m waiting for the day we’re together again. I love you so much._

_A._

By the time he gets to the last he feels like his heart is breaking. He stares at it for a while longer, knows it's the last time he'll hear from Aaron in any way.  


_R._

_I hope you’re safe. It’s been so long since I last had news. I hope you’re getting these letters or that you will one day. I’m about to leave here. An officer came and wanted volunteers for a special assignment. I wasn’t going to volunteer but it might get me out of here, for a while at least. If I stay I’ll go mad, I know I will. I don’t know what it’s all about but at least I’ll be out. If I can’t write any more for a while please try not to worry. As soon as I can I’ll send word to you. Remember I love you, I always will._

_A._

He folds each one carefully, slipping them into their envelopes, wants to treasure them and keep them safe. He’s all cried out as he falls asleep finally, the pain in his chest isn’t from the shrapnel anymore.

~~~ * ~~~

Robert’s enjoying the feel of the sunshine on his face for the first time in a long while. It’s the first day he’s been outside since arriving at the hospital. The pain from his injuries is less now, although he’ll need another operation at some point to remove more of the shrapnel that was left behind and he’ll need to regain strength in his leg as well but he finally feels like he might be improving. However much pain he’s been in is nothing to the pain of losing Aaron, losing the life he’d imagined for them so many times. It’s not getting any easier. He’s tried to keep a bit of hope alive that there’s been a mistake or something but with every day that passes he feels it ebbing away.

The letters that Aaron wrote are in his pocket and he still wears the ring around his neck, comforting somehow to have them close all the time.

“Are you ready to go back inside Corporal?” He squints up at the young nurse who’s tasked with looking after him. She’s nice and on the plus side she hasn’t taken offence when he’s been in a foul mood which has been quite often. He nods, but when she moves to help him to his feet, handing him his crutches, someone catches his eye on the other side of the fence around the grounds. He almost stumbles and she has to catch him.

“Are you alright?”

“Yes, I...thought I saw...never mind.”

It’s not until she’s helped him back into bed, even that small trip outside had exhausted him, that he asks her to get Chrissie to come and see him. He knows she’s here, had seen her earlier and she’s the only person he can think of who might be able to help. It’s a while before she arrives and he’s tapping his fingers on the bedclothes impatiently when she reaches him.

“Finally!”

“Robert, I do have work to do here. I’m not completely at your beck and call.” She sits, face softening into a smile from the exasperated look it held before. “Now what is it?”

“I saw someone, when I was outside...walking past.” He’s breathing fast, still fights to catch his breath sometimes when he’s worried or tired.

“Well, that’s not unusual.” She looks confused, looks like she thinks he’s lost his mind. Maybe he has.

“No she was...I think she might work here. Her name is Debbie Dingle, assuming that’s still the name she’s using.”

“It doesn’t ring a bell but I can check. First you have to tell me why?”

“She used to work for us. Do you remember...our chauffeur?” He stumbles over the words, even mentioning Aaron hurts still. “She’s his cousin, and she left one day, out of the blue and no one has heard from her since.”

“It sounds like she doesn’t want to be found. If it is her Robert, you know the hospital has a responsibility to her…”

“He’s dead.” He realises he’s almost shouting. “Her cousin. He was killed, she should know.”

“Well I can tell her that.”

“No! I should...just...ask her to see me, that’s all. Please.” Whatever the reason for her leaving is he wants to be the one to tell her about Aaron, thinks it’s only right the news comes from him.

“I’ll see what I can do. I can’t promise anything Robert. If she really doesn’t want to speak to you, I won’t make her...if it even is her that you saw.” He nods, he could have been imagining it, his head has been all over the place but he was so sure it was her. He’s imagining a lot lately. Sometimes at night he thinks Aaron is there, can hear him beside him, the little snuffling sounds he’d make as he fell into sleep and the snores that would follow. It’s so real and the disappointment and emptiness he feels when he wakes is unbearable.

~~~ * ~~~

It’s another three days before he hears from Chrissie again and now he’s waiting in the gardens for her. Debbie had agreed to meet him there, and he’s confused as to why she can’t come to the ward but he’s not turning down the chance to be out in the fresh air again.

“Robert?” The voice makes him jump and he looks round to see Debbie standing a few feet away. She’s obviously not on duty, not in uniform like she was when he first saw her. He stupidly tries to get to his feet, the manners his mother taught him ingrained in him, and gasps in pain, causing her to rush to help him.

“I’m alright...honestly. Sit, please.” Now she’s here, he’s not sure how to break the news. “I don’t know what Chrissie said…”

“She told me about Aaron.” He can’t deny being both relieved and a little bit annoyed that she already knows. “I didn’t want to come. She had to tell me. I’m sorry Robert.”

“I’m sorry too. Where have you been Debbie, he was so worried about you. Why didn’t you at least say goodbye to him?”

“I couldn’t. It’s not your business, Robert.”

“Yes it is.” He turns to face her, trying not to wince. “It is because I had to convince him over and over that it wasn’t his fault!” He’s trying hard not to get worked up, knows it won’t help and he’ll end up struggling to breathe again.

“Do you think I would have left like that if I didn’t have to?” He frowns. “I had to go, Robert.”

“Why? I don’t understand. You were happy there, weren’t you? I know you and I weren’t close but…” He remembers asking Aaron a few times if she was alright but he hadn’t noticed anything. Obviously something had been wrong. “Look you’re Aaron’s family, and Liv’s...if I can help or...I don’t know. I...don’t talk about him and it hurts so much. No one knows and I miss him so much.”

“I’m sorry Robert, I am. He loved you, you know that?” He nods, tears threatening again.

“Sorry, this isn’t about me.”

“You were always nice to me, you all were but…” She looks away, lost in thought. He’s about to ask more but sees her suddenly look annoyed and he follows her gaze towards the hospital to see Chrissie approaching them, carrying a small child who’s in tears.

“I’m sorry my dear, but he wouldn’t settle with me. I thought it best to bring him to you.”

“Who’s this?” He tries to keep his voice light, but he’s not stupid, can finally work out what made her leave judging by the age of the child. Not that it explains her not talking to Aaron because Robert knows he wouldn’t have judged her at all.

“This is my son.” She stands up and takes him from Chrissie, who nods and leaves them alone again although Robert can see the curiosity on her face. Maybe she thinks it’s his child, who knows.

“He’s the reason you left?” He can’t take his eyes off the little boy, all dark hair and blue eyes, who’s quietened down now he’s with his mother, there’s something he can’t put his finger on. There’s a resemblance but he can’t quite work it out.

“I told you I had to go.” She can’t meet his gaze, keeps her eyes firmly on her child.

“Do you think we would have thrown you out because of him? That Aaron would have disowned you?”

“You don’t understand.” She shook her head, holding the little boy close. Robert’s eyes widen as he finally realises who the child reminds him of. “You see, you can see it but you don’t believe it. I should go.”

He can see the photograph on the table in the house. He can remember his mother telling him how his father had spent so much money on having a photograph of the three of them, being proud to be one of the first, if not the first, people in the village to have such a thing. It’s faded now but he can see the likeness. “He’s Andy’s?”

“Yes.” She gets up to go, obviously mistaking the look on his face for one of anger or something. He puts a hand on her arm to stop her.

“No. I...I believe you, I do. I’m just...it’s a shock. Please, stay.” He waits until she’s sat back down, still looking at him with suspicion. “What’s his name?”

“Jacob, Jacob Samuel Sugden.” He looks up at her. “His last home leave, it was...it was for longer than he told you. Long enough to get a marriage licence and get married in Leeds before he came home. We were going to tell you all the next time he came home. He didn’t want to spoil Victoria’s day. When he died...I wasn’t thinking straight. I thought you wouldn’t believe me.”

He doesn’t know what to say, can remember her the day they learnt Andy had died. He didn’t know how she had kept it together.

“We would have helped you, you know. All of us.”

“I was scared.”

She tells him how when she left she found a room to rent in Leeds, in a house belonging to a widow who had looked after her, who now looked after the boy while she’s working. All that time she’d been so close, all of them, including Aaron, had thought maybe she’d gone to London or Manchester, that they’d never find her. It was just down to sheer luck that he had seen her, that she was working in the same hospital he’d been brought to.

“I should get him home.” She tells him after a while, the little boy sleeping on his lap having crawled over to him and not wanting to be moved.

“Will you...when I get out of here, will you bring him to see Diane, to see his home?”

“It’s not his home. His home is with me.”

“He’s Andy’s son too, it’s...the house, the estate, it’ll be his when he’s grown.” Robert couldn’t deny the sense of relief that washed over him with the realisation that it wasn’t his now, that there was no responsibility on him anymore.

“I’ll think about it. He’s my son, Robert.”

“I know that, I’d never...Debbie come on, do you think I’d try to take him from you? All I’m asking is you let his family get to know him, to see you again. I told you we missed you.” She still looks unsure, as disbelieving of people as her cousin, but hopefully she will think things over. “Look I’m not leaving here for weeks yet. Will you at least agree to bring him to visit me while I’m here. We can talk about the rest later.”

She nods and he hands the little boy to her. When he’s watched them leave he doesn’t go straight inside. He doesn’t want to be around anyone, he wants to be on his own, to think about his brother who never got to meet his son, and Aaron, he knew they would adore the little boy. He promised them both that he’d do his best to take care of him, and Debbie, if she’d let him.

~~~ * ~~~

“Corporal Sugden, I must protest. You’re asking to take one of my best nurses! Surely there is a nurse nearer to your home that you can employ to look after you.” The matron of the hospital was no doubt imposing to many people but she was nothing compared to the matron at his boarding school so he merely sat up straighter and stared her down.

“I’m sure there is. However, as I’ve explained, she is my late brother’s wife. I’ve only recently got back in contact with her and my nephew so I’m just trying to keep my family together. I really don’t understand the problem. I need a nurse and she is one.”

“There is a war on, you know.”

“Yes, funnily enough, I was aware.” He spat the words out, fed up with the woman in front of him.

He and Debbie had spent the past weeks talking and eventually she’d agreed to come back to Home Farm with him. He knew he was going to need help with the various dressings he had that would need looking after so it made sense for her to help him. Debbie wanted to go back with him, wanted her son to know the only family he had apart from her. It was the best solution. All he had to do was convince this woman of that

“Corporal, I don’t think I like your tone.”

“Very well. I’ll ask my stepmother to make a call. I believe she knows one of your patrons.” The woman sighed. He knew he was being belligerent and he would never admit it outside the room but he was quite enjoying himself. “You know if you agree it will mean I get to leave much quicker. I’m sure you need the bed for someone more worthy than me.”

“Oh very well.” She huffed. “I believe your doctor said you could leave in a few days. When you do, Nurse Sugden can go with you.”

“Thank you matron.” He gives her one of his widest smiles as she calls for a nurse to wheel him back to bed. He can’t wait to be out of here, fed up of being wheeled everywhere when he’s capable of walking. Since the final operation his leg four days ago he’s had to suffer using the wheelchair again and he detests it doesn’t like the feeling of not being in control.

~~~ * ~~~

“Robert?”

“Liv! Is it that time already?” He craned his neck trying to see the clock. He was amazed at how fast time could fly when you lay doing nothing.

He’s been in bed most of the day, after stubbornly doing too much the previous day. Debbie had been insistent and he had quickly learnt not to get on her bad side. He was lucky, he knew that. He was alive for one thing, but he’d seen others with shrapnel wounds far worse than his. Once he finally healed he should be mobile and free of pain, even if a little less strong and more prone to getting out of breath than before. He could live with that. It was length of time it was taking to get to that point that frustrated him.

“We got let out of school early. Are you alright?” That was another thing, it was worrying her that he was having to rest so much. Not that she’d ever admit it, other than the constant need to ask him if he was ok.

“I’m fine. Debbie insisted I rest. Come and sit down. We haven’t had a chance to talk properly have we?” There’d been people around all the time, worried and glad he was home but it had meant she’d been pushed to the side. She jumps onto to bed, and he tries to hide his wince of pain. “How’s school?”

“Boring.”

“I bet. And how are you...you know.”

“I miss him. Do you think...I mean, could he…” He watches as she fidgets.

“There’s always a chance I suppose, a mistake somewhere. I’ve heard of it happening, but...I don’t want you holding onto something that might never happen. It’ll just hurt you more in the end and I know for sure that Aaron wouldn’t want that.” He supposed he should listen to his own advice. He still waited for him to come through the door, even if rationally he knew it would never happen. A part of him probably always would.

“Yeah.”

“Come on, come here.” He holds out his arms, not knowing whether she’ll let him comfort her or not. Maybe he needs it as much as she does.

“Sorry.” She sniffed as he held her.

“Whatever for? Liv he was your brother and I know how that feels. Andy and I weren’t as close as the two of you, far from it but I still miss him. You can talk to me whenever you want, you know that.”

“But you’re upset too.”

“Yeah I am, but it helps to talk about him. It hurts but...I don’t want to forget about him.” That was it really, he was scared that eventually he would. It had already been so long since. They’d been apart nearly as long as they’d been together, sometimes the memories felt just out of reach, he couldn’t grasp them. He didn’t even have any recent photographs to help him keep his memories alive. Liv doesn’t say anything for a while, he keeps his arms around her, lets her cry, fighting his own tears.

“What’s going to happen?”

“About what?”

“Me. I suppose you’ll want to send me away now.”

“Why?” She sits up to look at him, surprise all over her face. “Do you want to go?” He didn’t think she would, there was no other family as far as he knew, except Debbie. Aaron hadn’t mentioned anyone else, except his Mum and no one knew where she was.

“No, but you won’t want me here now. I’m nothing to do with you, am I?”

“You’re Aaron’s sister. Even if he hadn’t asked me to look after you while he was gone, I would have.” She shakes her head, he can see she doesn’t believe him, just like her brother. “Liv, you have a home here. We all love having you around and anyway, Debbie’s here now. As far as I’m concerned you’re going nowhere unless you want to.”

“I like it here, Diane’s nice.” He smiled.

“That’s settled then. Right, do you have homework?” She nodded, a scowl appearing on her face making him laugh. “Well, chop chop. I’ll be down for dinner.”

“Oh will you?” He looked over at Debbie standing in the doorway. Liv jumped off the bed, sticking her tongue out at him before she left, back to her normal self.

“Yes. I’ve laid here all day going out of my mind like a good boy so yes I shall be getting up for dinner.”

“Hmm, we’ll see. Now let me see those dressings.” He sighed heavily as she busied herself getting sorted and he unbuttoned his pyjama top. The scar there was ugly, and he didn’t like to see it. It was still healing from the last operation a few weeks before and he knew it would get better but not enough for him. The one on his leg was worse, but it didn’t bother him as much. He wouldn’t have to look at that one in the mirror every day once the dressings were off. “Thank you...for bringing me back.” She says as she comes over to the bed.

“I knew everyone would welcome you back, and Jacob. He could charm anyone.” She snorts quietly and he just stares at her.

“What?”

“You sounded just like him then.”

“You really did love him, didn’t you?” He nodded. They usually talk like this when they’re alone. He’s sure it’s to distract him from what she’s doing but it’s nice to be able to talk about Aaron with someone.

“Still do. Did you think I lied?” He winced as she uncovered the chest wound. “Ow!”

“It doesn’t hurt. You do that every time. It’s nearly healed, it can’t possibly hurt that much anymore.”

“Well it does. Isn’t the patient always right?”

“No.” She grins at him. “When you...you were different to what I expected, this posh gent fresh from London, and Aaron…”

“Was definitely not, thankfully. We weren’t really a match I suppose.” He touches the ring around his neck, sees her watching. “I was never leading him on. He’d never have fallen for that.”

“No he wouldn’t. There that one’s done.” She moved down the bed to his lower leg.

“I told him all sorts, things I’d kept hidden for years. He saw more to me than that posh gent that everyone else saw.”

“I know that now. So...this one doesn’t hurt, but that one does?” He just glared at her. Having been operated on just over a week ago it was tender, it just didn’t hurt the same way. He knew it was in his head, so did she. They’d done this every day since they’d arrived home.

They’d arrived together, with Jacob, without much warning. Robert had told Diane a nurse would be with him but not who it was. It had meant a lot of explaining when they arrived and as he suspected Diane and Liv had been more than happy to see them and already adored the little boy whose eyes had lit up at the house and the lawn he could run around on to his heart’s content.

“There all done. You can get up for dinner, as long as you rest until then.” He mock saluted her with a smile. “You know, he’d be glad you brought us back. He’d say you were soft, but…”

“Yeah.” He can’t help but smile, “You know, you made it sound like I was forcing you...the day we came back.”

“I was scared of being rejected. In the end it wasn’t a difficult choice. A big house and somewhere for Jacob to run around, or a couple of cold rooms in a terraced house in a city.”

“Well, Andy would have wanted you here. I can’t do much, but that was an easy decision to make.”

“Well, like I say, thank you. I’ll go and check on Liv. Now rest!”

With that she was gone, leaving him with his memories. Aaron, it was always him that he thought about, he would hold on to all the memories he had for as long as he could.

~~~ * ~~~

“Thank you.” Robert put down the telephone. He didn’t move, couldn’t quite believe what he’d heard.

“Are you alright, pet?”

“Yes, is Debbie still in there?” He nodded towards the sitting room. When she nodded he walked through and stood in front of the fireplace. He didn’t say anything, just watched Jacob playing for a few moments before he spoke, still taking in the news.

“That was Pete. You know he was transferred to the War Office? Anyway, the Kaiser has abdicated. The war is over.”

“Oh.” Diane exclaimed, “Oh thank goodness.”

“Are they sure?” Debbie asked, immediately picking up her son and holding him close.

He nodded. “Yes. Officially it’ll end at eleven this morning, but it’s over.” He thought he should feel something. Happiness maybe, it meant Victoria and Adam could come home, or maybe anger that so much had been lost, but he felt nothing, just empty. “I’m going to get some air. I won’t go far.”

He didn’t, just to the garden where he first met Aaron. He would never have thought back then that he’d be here, that Aaron would want anything to do with him, not after that day, he’d been such an insufferable idiot. Thank goodness he was wrong. He must have sat there a while, enjoying the late autumn sunshine until he felt a pair of tiny hands clutching at his knee. Looking down he saw a pair of blue eyes staring back at him, and a chocolate covered mouth.

“Well someone’s been having some fun.” He laughed, seeing Debbie chasing after him. “Did you run away from your Mum?”

“It’s good practice for when I have to find you!” She lifted Jacob onto the bench beside him and swiftly cleaned his face. “He knows the way to the kitchen and they indulge him every time.”

“We all like having him here, livens things up a bit. It won’t do him any harm.” He ruffled the boy’s hair making him giggle. “You alright?” She nodded but he could see the tears shining. “Yeah, me neither.”

“I’m glad it’s over...I just…” She shakes her head and kisses the top of her son’s hair.

“I know.” He sighed. “This is where Aaron and I first met you know.”

“He told me. He reckoned you were an arrogant prat.”

“He was probably right.” He smiled and looked at his watch. “It’s eleven o’clock.” She didn’t say anything, they both just sat in silence.

“Rob’t sad?” He looked down to see Jacob staring up at him, blue eyes wide, hands reaching for him.

“Little bit. Not for long though, not now you’re here to make me laugh.” He shifted him onto his lap, a link to his brother and to Aaron all rolled into one. “At least you’ll get to grow up in a peaceful world.”

“Listen to us getting maudlin. You do know what they’d say don’t you?” He barked out a laugh. He could, could just hear Aaron calling him soft lad and smiling.

“You’re right. Come on, enough of this. Let’s go inside before you get cold mister.” He lifted Jacob down and watched him run off giggling wanting them to chase him.

It wasn’t any easier to accept Aaron was gone just because the war was over but maybe he could start to think about the future, however hard that was going to be.

~~~ * ~~~

“Just what do you think you’re doing all the way out here?”

“God you made me jump!” Robert looked up at the figure in the doorway, sighing when he saw it was Debbie.

“Do you want to get better? She asked, coming to stand right in front of the sofa where he was sitting. “You know you can’t do too much too quickly.”

“I had to…this is where I’m closest to him, where we were happy. Leave me alone Debbie.”

He’d woken that morning with a jolt after dreaming about Aaron. He was alive and home, the two of them together living happily in the cottage as they’d talked about. Just a cruel reminder of what he couldn’t have. It had left him in a foul mood, snapping at everyone. In the end he’d stalked, well limped out of the dining room and walked to the cottage where he’d thought he could be alone.

“No. You want to overdo it and damage your leg even more, you go ahead...that’s without sitting in a freezing cold cottage without even a coat. For goodness sake, Robert!” He shakes his head, doesn’t want to listen.

“What if I don’t care? What difference does it make? Nothing matters without him.”

“I’ll tell that to Jacob, shall I? Sorry Jacob but your only remaining uncle just doesn’t care. You’re not the only one who’s hurting, who’s lost someone, Robert!”

“Don’t you think I know? But it doesn’t help, because he’s still gone. He’s not here and I need him!” His voice cracks and it’s enough to have her rubbing his shoulder comfortingly. He feels selfish, everyone is hurting, but he can’t help it. “He left me!”

“Not by choice. He wouldn’t. There’s not a thing I can say to make it better, but he wouldn’t want you like this, he’d hate to see you in this state.”

“Tough.”

“Stubborn as mules, the pair of you. I warned him off you, you know. I thought it’d all end in tears, that he’d be hurt again.” She sighed. “You know this, I told you the other day. But I was wrong, that’s what I want to say. He was happy. I don’t think he ever had been before. Even for a short time, he was happy. Hold on to that.”

“Yeah. You know, Andy was too. He changed. I noticed that, didn’t know why but it was there.” He laughed.

“What?”

“Just wondering what my Dad would have made of all this. You and Andy, me and…” He stopped, he knew what he’d have said about Aaron. “Never mind. Did you just come out here to nag me then?”

“No, that was just an added pleasure. Liv’s school telephoned.”

“Oh what now!”

“The usual, backchatting the teacher. They’d like to see you.” He was fed up with it. Not Liv, but the fact that the school wouldn’t just give her a little leniency considering everything. He shook his head and got up, trying not to groan and let Debbie know he was in pain. “Come on.”

An hour or so later after another tense meeting with her headteacher he followed Liv into the hallway.

“Liv, I know you’re upset, but you can’t keep doing this. You’ll end up being expelled or something.”

“I don’t care!” She yelled back at him, already heading for the stairs to lock herself away in her room as usual.

“Well I do! Aaron left me in charge and I’m trying, really I am but you have to try too!”

“Why do you care? I’m nothing to you!” With that she ran up the stairs. He knew she was lashing out, she knew he cared, they’d talked enough since he came home. He just didn’t know how to deal with her when she was like this. One day she was fine, the next acting like a brat. He knew it was grief, he was still woken by her nightmares after all but she wouldn’t talk to him, wouldn’t let him in.

“Aren’t you glad you missed my years as a teenager?” Came a voice from the sitting room.

“Vic!” He crossed over to her and hugged her tight. “Why didn’t you tell us you were coming home?”

“Thought I’d surprise you all. I would have been home earlier but I met up with Adam and...well we stayed in London for a couple of days.” She blushed and he smiled. “What’s wrong with Liv?”

“Basically she’s missing Aaron and everyone is bearing the brunt of it. I can’t get her to talk to me. Anyway how are you? Where is Adam?”

“He’s at his parents. Oh it was so nice to just be with him...oh God, I’m sorry. Here’s me rambling on about how happy I am…”

“Don’t you dare. I told you before, savour every minute. I’d never begrudge you your happiness.” He put his arm round her again, refusing to admit that it was because his leg felt like it was going to give out any second.

“I missed you.” She looked at him, “You’re in pain.”

“Yeah...I.” He really needed to sit down.

“That’s what he gets for walking over to the cottage when he should be resting.” Debbie interrupted, taking off her gloves.

“Robert!”

“Oh for goodness sake! I’m not going to get a minute’s peace with the two of you, am I?” He smiled, feeling lighter than he had for ages as he let her led him to the sitting room and a comfortable chair.

~~~ * ~~~

“Robert, you need to come. It’s Debbie.” Victoria was shaking him awake. He squinted up at her, eyes full of sleep, which was all too rare these days.

“What is it?”

“I think it’s the flu. You know it’s been running rife through the village. I need you to telephone for the doctor while Diane and I see to her.”

He rushed to do as she asked, heart thudding. It had been all anyone had talked about, the celebrations at the end of the war cut off by the advent of the flu epidemic that was striking across the country. Telephone call made he went back to Debbie’s room, standing on the threshold watching as they tended to her, trying to cool her down.

“Well?”

“He’s coming but he’s got three more people to see before he can get here. He said you’d know what to do.” She shook her head.

“There’s not a lot to be done. But, you and Jacob need to stay away...your chest is nowhere near strong enough to fight this off if you catch it.” He nodded, he wasn’t stupid enough to not realise that. “I’ll stay with her.”

“Do you think...will she be alright?”

“It doesn’t seem that bad, compared to some I’ve heard about, but you’ve read the newspapers the same as me. We just have to wait and see.” He watches her go back into the room, feeling helpless. There’s nothing he can do to make it better, can’t even sit with her.

It’s not even twenty four hours later when they have to call the doctor back although Robert can tell by the look on Victoria’s face that there’s not much point. He’s pacing restlessly while he waits and he pounces the minute the exhausted looking man steps out of Debbie’s room.

“Well?”

“I’m sorry, there really is very little to be done. She’s as comfortable as she can be.”

“Should...what if we took her to the hospital? I can get the car…” He’d do anything. He felt useless. He didn’t like it and these days it was a more than a familiar feeling.

“It would make very little difference at this point, and besides the hospital is full to bursting. I’m very sorry. Now I must get on but telephone if you need me.” Robert nodded looking towards the room.

When the doctor has gone and Victoria is back she takes one look at him and puts her arms around him. He’s hardly left the landing all day, waiting, not being able to go inside as much as he wants to help.

“She wants to see you.” She whispers. “You shouldn’t stay long, but the doctor said it would be alright just for a minute, considering…”

“Yeah. Ok.” He doesn’t want to, doesn’t want to face losing another person from his life, another link to Aaron.

It’s just the two of them when he steps into the room, the curtains drawn leaving it dim. Debbie’s pale and still on the bed and he stands at the foot of the bed, heeding the advice for once. He thinks she’s asleep so he says nothing, swallowing around the lump in his throat.

“Are you just going to stand there?”

“I don’t know what to say.”

“There’s a first time for everything I suppose.” He smiles. These past months when it’s been just the two of them at the house with Diane, they’ve got over the awkwardness that was there in the beginning and now he’d say they’re more like brother and sister. Nothing like him and Vic of course but they tease each other comfortably. “In that case just listen.”

“Debbie...you might…”

“No I won’t. Just...look after Jacob for me. Make sure he grows up properly, to be good and kind.”

“Of course. You think I’m the best person for that?” He wondered sometimes, he felt so full of bitterness and anger, he could almost taste it. The only person able to snap him out of it was Jacob.

“Stop fishing for compliments. You’ll be fine. Thank you...well you know.”

“I do. I’ll...can I get you anything?” He sees her shake her head, he has to get out, can’t stand it any longer. “I’ll...I should go.”

“Robert...tell him about me.”

“Course I will.” He nods, sees she’s falling back to sleep so he leaves quietly.

~~~ * ~~~

Two days later he’s outside, coat pulled tight around him watching Jacob run around the lawn. He’d watched as Victoria and Diane had tried to explain to the little boy that his mother wasn’t coming back. He didn’t understand they all knew that and part of Robert didn’t want his innocence taken away.

“Aren’t you cold?” Vic sits down next to him, Adam following her, the two of them seemingly inseparable. He’d thought when they first arrived home he’d feel jealous or something, seeing them so happy but he didn’t. He was grateful that his sister, the best one of them all had her husband, had a chance of a happy life ahead of her.

“No.” He watched Adam run around after Jacob making him squeal. “He’s almost as big a kid as Jacob. God, Vic, do you think we’ll ever catch a break?”

“We’ll have to one day. I don’t like seeing you this way.”

“I can’t help it Vic, I feel so lost, so empty. I can’t let go of him. I still keep expecting him to walk up the drive Vic.” She takes his hand, holding it tight. “And now Debbie’s gone, one more link to him, it feels like everything is falling away.”

“You’ve got us, Adam and I aren’t going anywhere unless you want us to, not yet.” He hadn’t even considered they’d leave, although eventually he knew they’d want their own house, have their own family. “Then there’s Liv, she needs you, even more now. And that one.” she smiles as Adam swings Jacob up in the air.

He knew she was right and on the days when he didn’t want to get out of bed, wants to push everyone away that’s what he thinks about. Sometimes he wonders if the old him would have ever felt like this. Back when he was on his own in London keeping everyone at arm’s length. He’d thought that was the best way to be and from time to time he thought he should go back to that, then it wouldn’t hurt so much, but that person wasn’t the one that Aaron had loved, or not entirely. He’d changed when he came back here, for the better and that’s the person Aaron saw. As much as it hurt he couldn’t stop being that person.

~~~ * ~~~

The cry coming from the nursery two doors down from Robert was so full of distress that he didn’t even pull on his dressing gown before he rushed as fast as he could into Jacob’s room. The lamp they always leave on lights his way across the room and he can see the little boy sitting up, clutching at his blanket, face shining with tears.

“Hey, little man, what’s all this noise then?” He gently picks him up, blanket and all, and carries him to the chair in the corner settling him on his lap, blanket tucked around him against the chill in the room.

“Mama.” is all he makes out amid his cries.

“I know you miss her.” It’s not even a month since Debbie died. He doesn’t have the first idea what he’s doing, or how to look after the little boy. They have a sort of Nanny but only during the day. Debbie hadn’t wanted him raised by Nannies, the way some were and Robert had agreed with her. He’d never felt he’d had enough time with his mother, though he’d got more than most. “We’re going to tell you all about her, and your Dad.” He laughs a little, “Your Dad and I didn’t always get on but really he was the best big brother. I’ll tell you everything. About your Uncle Aaron too. He’d be the one to go to for all the fun, I bet. He’d leave the boring stuff to me or your Aunty Vic. He’d adore you I know it.” He lifts a hand to swipe away a tear before he hears someone in the doorway.

“Robert, is he alright?” Diane came to stand beside him, brushing a hand over Jacob’s dark curls.

“Think so, bad dream. I’ll stay with him, make sure he’s asleep. I was awake anyway.” Like most nights he’d slept for a couple of hours before he woke to stare at the ceiling until morning. This was a better place to be.

“Shall I fetch your dressing gown. You won’t want to be sitting in the cold, pet.”

“No I’m fine, honestly.” As he looked up at her ready to convince her to go back to bed, Jacob reached for the chain around his neck that held Aaron’s ring. “Hey you, that’s not for playing with.” He told him, gently untangling it from his little fingers, trying to put it back under his pyjama shirt before Diane sees it.

“Whose is that? Is it yours?” Diane asked and he sighs.

“No...well yes, I suppose it is. Someone gave it to me, for luck.” He doesn’t want to get into it. He’d dreamt about Aaron again and it was too raw, he didn’t think he could lie to her.

“Someone special?”

“Yes.” He can’t look at her so he stands up and puts the now sleeping Jacob back into his cot, tucking him in snugly all the while trying to compose himself. It wasn’t that he didn’t think he could tell her, they’d got to know each other a lot better since he came home, but he didn’t know if he was ready to talk about Aaron to someone new. He’d managed with Debbie and Liv, for their sakes as much as his, but he didn’t know if he could tell Diane and not break down.

“You can talk to me, you know.” She tells him quietly as they leave the room. “Come on, I’ll make us some cocoa.”

When he has his hands wrapped around the warm mug he feels better. She hasn’t spoken, like she senses he needs time. He does, he has no idea where to start. He wonders if his Dad had told her after that day, she’d never said if he had. He hoped not, can imagine all too easily how he’d have made it all sound. Still he’s sure he’d know if he had. She reaches across the table to take his hand and he smiles.

“It’s from Aaron.” He whispers so quietly he can barely hear himself. He doesn’t know if she heard, although he hand tightens around his fingers, warm and comforting, like his Mum’s used to be. “He gave it to me, when he left.” He sniffs.

“Our Aaron?” That makes his heart skip. It’s just a figure of speech but it’s nice to hear it.

“Yes.”

“Oh pet. I had no idea.”

“Vic knows. You know what she’s like...I miss him so much.”

“Of course you do. How long were you…” She trails off and he knows it’s not out of discomfort, she just doesn’t know what to say.

“Since just after I came back.”

“Your Dad always said you didn’t like an easy life, pet, and I don’t mean that in a bad way.”

“I know.” He hesitates, wondering whether he really wants to damage her view of the man she loved. Eventually the words just spill out of him. “He knew, he...when he came to visit me once...you can’t imagine the things he said to me. I don’t want to talk about him.”

“Alright. I know he was far from perfect and I’m sorry he did that, but just let me tell you one thing.” He looks at her, “He used to talk about you all the time.”

“Before.”

“No, right up until he died. He was wrong in what he said, I know that, but he did love you. That I am sure of.” Robert looks away. He couldn’t deal with that, he’d spent too long feeling ashamed of what Jack had said that hearing that he loved him hurt too much. It didn’t change anything, didn’t even matter now.

“It’s too late.”

She nods, letting it go. “So...why do you wear the ring on a chain?”

“He...he put it on my finger when we said goodbye, but in the trenches, it was safer like this.”

“And now?”

“People ask questions, that I can’t answer without lying. I don’t want to lie about him. Doesn’t feel right.” He didn’t think he could handle having to deny that he loved Aaron, certainly not now, if ever.

“You’d be surprised what people will ignore if it’s right in front of them. You wear that ring properly, like your Aaron wanted, honour him with it. You were loved Robert, don’t hide it away.”

At that he breaks down and she rushes round the table to him taking him into her arms. He’s cried before, silent agonising tears, always alone. Having someone holding him makes the walls crumble and he finally lets it all out. As she holds him he feels her unclasp the chain and hand him the ring. Pulling away he slips it onto his finger, a smile tugging at his lips as he does.

“Thank you.” He whispers and she runs a hand through his hair. For a minute he can imagine it’s his Mum standing there comforting him and it’s nice. It doesn’t make anything easier but it’s nice to have someone else he can go to.

~~~ * ~~~

The walk from the village had never seemed so long. He’d walked it so many times but it felt different now somehow. By the time Home Farm came into view he was exhausted. He’d been travelling since dawn and it was starting to edge towards darkness. He stops when he sees the house in front of him, just the same as when he left it. He hopes it is, has no idea what’s waiting for him, who’s waiting for him. He’s been away so long, cut off from everything, everyone he knows. They could have moved on, their lives unconnected to his now. Will he even be welcomed. He’s spent so long thinking the worst, the lack of contact only making it worse, the horrors of his own mind the only company he’s had. The staff have done their best he knows that, it’s up to him now.

He carries on along the road the bag on his shoulder much lighter than when he left. Slipping a hand into his pocket he runs his fingers over the cold metal of the watch that has never left him. It’s a memory of when he was a different person, a reminder that he’s been loved even if that’s no longer true. He’s changed, who’s to say that they haven’t too.

“Oi, watch where you’re going!” The voice makes him jump, he’d been so lost in his own thoughts he hadn’t seen the man along the path. Looking up, he sighs. “Oh it’s the chauffeur.”

“What do you want?” Of course the first person he sees is Ross Barton. “Just let me pass.”

“You sure you want to go up there? Not sure you’ll be welcome.” Aaron feels his heart race, maybe everything he’s been thinking, all the things he thought were just paranoia are true. He knows the last person to believe is Ross, but maybe he’s right.

“Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Robert’s got everything he wants, he isn’t going to want you turning up and ruining it. Even little Liv is settled. Proper little family they all are. You’d be better off just turning around and going back to wherever it is you’ve been.” He sees the smirk, clenches his fists to stop himself lashing out, panic washing over him at the words. “I’ll be on my way.”

Aaron says nothing, watches him go, tells himself he doesn’t believe him, that he’s just winding him up. There’s that little part of him, that nagging bit of doubt that’s growing with every step. Maybe he’s right, maybe Robert has decided it’s too much trouble to live a huge part of his life in secrecy, especially now he’s the one in charge of it all. It’s not like Aaron doesn’t understand at least in part, but he’d thought, no he knew Robert loved him even when he’d heard nothing from him, from anyone. Maybe the years apart had made him realise that he wasn’t worth it. He wouldn’t blame him, especially now, he couldn’t see why anyone would want him now, not after everything.

There’s Liv though, his little sister. Surely she wouldn’t turn him away. Then again she’d been angry at him for leaving. He’d got some of her letters, still full of anger at first, then softer, more like herself with silly drawings of the people in the village, that no doubt would cause outrage if anyone ever saw them. He wished he still had them but they’d gone, blown away like everything else, except the watch. Some days it felt like that was the only part of him that was still together.

He had to find out though wouldn’t trust Ross Barton to tell him the colour of the sky, so he trudges on, steps heavier the closer he gets. He knows he could use the front door, Liv is there after all, but it doesn’t feel right so he heads around the back of the house to the kitchen. At least it’ll be warm. He’s almost there when he sees them, steps back out of sight so he can watch them. Liv is smiling, he doesn’t think he ever saw such a wide smile on her face. Both of her hands are occupied holding onto the hands of a small boy. Both of them are wrapped up against the cold. She looks older of course she is but she looks grown up as if she’s turning into a proper lady, he clothes new and much better than he could ever provide for her.

He doesn’t know who the child is, can’t see well enough to see any kind of resemblance but he can hear his squeals as he walks, held firmly by Liv with Robert watching on proudly like a...oh. He swallows hard, Robert looks just like a doting father. It’s possible he supposes, the boy can’t be much older than two, if that. He feels something crack inside him, now the idea is there he can’t shift it. He wants to tear his gaze away from the sight but he can’t, still partly captivated by how grown up Liv looks, carrying on without him. She’s happy, he would never want her to be unhappy but he’s missed so much and she has obviously been fine without him.

Then there’s Robert. Even under the layers of clothing he’s wearing, Aaron can see he’s thinner and even if he’d not noticed that, he can’t miss the walking stick that he’s gripping tightly. He’s obviously been injured but it seems he’s recovering. He’s smiling at the two younger ones as the boy almost falls out of Liv’s grasp until she catches him and he screams with laughter. They look like the perfect family, all that’s missing is the boy’s mother. Aaron can only presume she’s waiting for them inside in the warm. He doesn’t want to let his mind wander far down that path. He wants to tell himself he’s wrong but his mind won’t listen. Seeing them happy is everything but it’s hard. He doesn’t want them miserable, of course not but it’s like there’s nothing missing, like he was never there. They don’t need him anymore, maybe they never have. He wouldn’t blame them, if they saw him now, knew what he’d done they wouldn’t want him anywhere near.

He knew he could go inside, follow them, find out for sure, but he didn’t think he had it in him to hear Robert reject him, tell him he was no longer welcome. Even the possibility makes him feel empty, and he can feel the panic starting to rise, threatening to overwhelm him. Liv looked like she was much better off without him, her life better than anything he could offer her, especially now. What was left for him? Ross was right, he may as well just turn around and head back. Not that he has anywhere to go. He couldn’t stay here though. Maybe one day when he was better he’d see Liv again, that’s if she doesn’t hate him, but for now the only thing he felt strong enough to do was walk away. So that’s what he does.

~~~ * ~~~

Robert’s in the library, so far successfully avoiding all the jollity in the rest of the house. Liv wanted to decorate for Christmas. It was early, and they would do the tree as usual on Christmas Eve, but Diane thought it a good distraction for her and Jacob. All it did for Robert was remind him of the people who were missing. He and Aaron had enjoyed two Christmases together, happy, easy, informal Christmases and it was bringing back too many memories for him. He would smile and laugh for everyone else’s sake but without Aaron and no with no Debbie to reminisce with the emptiness in the pit of his stomach felt bigger than ever. It hadn’t been much more than a month since she died and house had been flung back into mourning.

“Mr Sugden?” He looked up at the timid voice of the young woman who had joined them to help out with Jacob.

“Yes Julia.”

“There’s a Mr Barton to see you. I did tell him you weren’t available but he was rather insistent.” Not Pete then, he’d accept the answer, come back another time. He wasn’t in the mood for Ross but he knew he wouldn’t take no for an answer. He nods and sits back in his chair, waiting for him. His teeth are set on edge the second he swaggers into the room

“What do you want? I’m busy.” That was a lie, he’d been sitting staring into space for the last half an hour.

“I was just passing by. I half expected you to be tucked away in your love nest by now. Bored of him already are you?”

“What are you going on about. If you’re just here to wind me up, you can kindly leave.”

“Oh, did he take my advice then? Your little chauffeur, did he not come home?” If Robert had thought he could successfully land a punch, Ross would be on the floor, but his leg the way it was meant he knew he’d just make a fool of himself.

“Just leave Ross. Aaron’s dead. I’m not in the mood for your games.”

“He looked very much alive to me the other day. Still if you don’t want to hear it…”

“Aaron? You saw him? Where?” He didn’t want to react, didn’t want to give Ross the satisfaction, but the part of him that still aches when he thinks of Aaron overrides everything.

“Up on the top road, on his way here.” He smiled smugly.

“And it took you two days to come here and tell me that? Get out!” He got to his feet, easily as it happened, which he was secretly pleased about. “I don’t know what game it is you’re playing but I’m not biting.”

“Well if that’s how you feel...I’ll leave. He did look a bit worse for wear, maybe you’re better off.” With that he’s gone and Robert slumps back into the chair, all his strength leaving him.

He was sure Ross was playing some sort of sick game but he couldn’t work out why or what it was. Aaron wouldn’t come back and not find him, surely. He’d certainly come to find Liv if no one else. He was sure of it. But if Ross was right it meant Aaron was alive, he was out there somewhere. That thought is enough to spur him into action. He picked up the stick, cursing it out of habit, his lack of strength getting him down more and more every day. He can hear the noise from the hall as he approaches and he can’t help smiling at Jacob as the little boy runs around, a trail of paper chains behind him. He beckons his sister over to him.

“What is it? Was that Ross I just saw?”

“Yes. He...he said he saw Aaron.” He made sure they were out of earshot, he didn’t want anyone else to hear, especially Liv. “He said he was here two days ago.”

“No, he’s...he’s just making trouble, Rob. He must be. We would have heard by now if Aaron was alive.”

“I know, I know I shouldn’t give him the satisfaction, but if he’s right...what if it was him?”

“He would have come to you, he’d be here. He loved you, you know he did.” She rubs his arm and she’s right but the nagging doubt Ross has put there won’t leave. “Rob, you’re going to hurt yourself all over again.”

“But I have to know. Keep them occupied,” He nods at Liv and Jacob. “I’m going to the cottage, if he’s been there, I’ll know.”

“Robert, it’s too far. You know you’ll set back your recovery. I’m surprised you haven’t already.”

“I have to.” He couldn’t wait, couldn’t leave it any longer to find out.

“Then I’m coming with you.” She doesn’t wait for an answer, crosses the room to speak to Adam, still relishing in the novelty of having her husband home. “Come on. He’ll keep them occupied.”

Together they make the slow walk to the cottage. He’s getting better day by day but he knows he’s still going to suffer for walking this far, but he doesn’t care. Letting himself in it’s clear the cottage hasn’t been used in some time. There’s dust on the surfaces and the extra chill of an unused house is all around him.

“Rob, I don’t think he’s been here.” He shakes his head, shouldn’t have let himself hope. He’d thought maybe he had been working himself up to seeing him again, taking his time, but it didn’t seem like it. There’s only one thing that might tell him if he’s been here, and even that’s a long shot.

“Just a minute. I need to check something.”

“Robert, nobody has been here in weeks if not months. Not since Debbie probably.” He ignores her exasperated tone and climbed the stairs to Aaron’s bedroom. “This is Ross we’re talking about, do you really think...what are you doing?” She cried as he pulled the drawer from the bedside table and upended it on the bed.

“It’s not here,” He rifled through the pile of things Aaron had kept there, the odd book, shaving kit that Robert had never known him use, a few odd coins. There should have been something else, something Robert saw him put there. “He’s been here, Vic.”

“What are you looking for?”

“Before we left...we talked about writing and having a photo of each other.” He sat down heavily on the bed. “We knew we couldn’t take them with us but before he went to training I had one done.

“Right…”

“He put it in there.” He pointed at the drawer. “Said he’d know it was was there waiting for him. Now it’s gone. He’s the only one who knew about it. He’s alive, Vic.”

“Oh Robert.” She sat beside him, arm around him. “Something must have happened.”

“But what? What could have happened that would make him not want to see me, to see Liv?”

“I don’t know. Maybe he needs time...then he’ll be back. Must have been a bit overwhelming, coming home after so long.”

“But he knew I’d be waiting, worrying. Maybe he realised I’m not worth the trouble. Never thought he’d leave Liv.”

“I’m sure he hasn’t. We don’t know anything. We certainly can’t do any more here. Come on, it’s too cold for you to stay here.”

“You’re not a nurse anymore.” He tries to joke but it sounds more like a rebuke.

“I’m still your sister. Robert you can’t tell Liv...it’ll break her heart again, at least until we’re sure, or we know something more.” He nods, he’d already thought the same. He felt cruel, not telling her but if she knew she’d be heartbroken and Robert wouldn’t wish how he was currently feeling on anyone. “I don’t know Aaron like you do but...if it was him then he’ll be back. He loves you.”

“Then why isn’t he here?” He asks bitterly, making his way down the stairs. “Maybe he doesn’t, not anymore.”

“He came back for the photograph didn’t he? That means something.” He’s sure she’s right, little consolation that it is at the moment. He can’t help but wonder what’s going on and he doesn’t think he’s ever felt so helpless and confused.

~~~ * ~~~

Three Months Later

“Robert, why do you keep doing this to yourself?” Victoria asked, worry filling her eyes. “It’s been months!”

He handed Jacob to her, the little boy one of the only things able to make him smile, and picked up his walking stick. He was almost rid of it, but he knew he’d need it to walk that far.

“I have to Vic. There are still things of his there. I...just feel closer to him.” She knew that, of course, those first days after Ross dropped his bombshell she’d had to drag him back from the cottage he’d spent so much time there. It was the place he felt closest to Aaron, could almost imagine he was just out working if he tried hard enough, rather than goodness knows where.

“Well, don’t stay too long then. It’s not good for you.” He nodded, knew she meant well. If he was honest without her he didn’t know where he’d be.

“I’ll be home before Liv finishes school.” He knew it was the right thing, not telling her Aaron had come back. He’d been going back since the day he and Vic had found the photograph missing. At first he’d felt closer to him and then one day he’d found some of Aaron’s things missing. It kept happening and it was obviously Aaron, but he’d never managed to be there when he came back. He didn’t know why he was doing it, a part of him wished that, if he didn’t want to come back, didn’t want Robert, then he’d just take everything and go. Deep down he couldn’t bear the thought of going there one day and finding it empty.

After that started happening he knew he definitely couldn’t tell Liv. Couldn’t break her heart all over again and tell her that her brother was alive, and still close by, but he hadn’t wanted to see her. As he made his way slowly along the lane to the cottage he cursed as he did every day that Aaron had bumped into Ross of all people that day. If he’d seen Robert or Liv, would he have disappeared again, or would he have stayed...maybe not. Maybe he just didn’t want Robert anymore but that still didn’t explain leaving Liv.

Opening the door to the cottage, the sunlight highlighting the dust floating around, he can’t see that anything has changed since his last visit. He should tidy, but he couldn’t bear to. Debbie had done it when she came back but now it was just him who came here. He moves about, reliving better memories, his leg protesting at his standing for so long. About to sit he hears something. It’s probably the old place creaking, it had always made him start because he wasn’t used to it, then it became a comfort, associated with Aaron. He kept listening, heard it again, sure this time that it wasn’t the house.

He didn’t call out, but he climbed the stairs as quickly as his injured leg would allow, his heart racing. He’d heard of people saying that time stopped or they were frozen into place when they got a shock but he’d never believed it. Now he knew exactly what they felt. He couldn’t move at the sight in front of him, couldn’t actually believe it. He knew it was Aaron, would know him anywhere but he also didn’t recognise the man in front of him as the man he loved. Aaron was sat as far into the corner of the bedroom as he could get, squeezed between the wall and bedside table that Robert had once used. He had his knees pulled up to his chest, arms clasped tight around them. His clothes were dirty and from what Robert could see had seen better days. His hair was longer and in a right mess. He couldn’t tell if he was hurt, didn’t know what to do.

His first instinct was to go to him but he didn’t want to scare him away again. Robert knew if that happened, he’d never see him again. He moved closer, inch by agonising inch, not even knowing if Aaron realised he was there. When he was close enough that he could probably stop him if he ran he stood still.

“Aaron?” He didn’t raise his voice or move, didn’t get any reaction. “Aaron, it’s me.” It’s taking everything he’s got not to shout, to demand to know where he’s been and if not for the state of him that’s probably what he’d be doing. “Aaron can you at least let me know you hear me?”

Slowly, achingly so, he raises his head. Robert holds in a gasp at the look in his eyes. It’s utter despair, there’s no other word for it. His face is dirty, the beard is messy and he has tear tracks staining his cheeks.

“Oh Aaron, what’s happened to you?” He can’t stop himself any longer, has to go to him, good idea or not. Ignoring the pain in his leg, Robert crouches in front of him and slowly reaches for his hands. Aaron watches, the suspicion in his eyes bringing tears to Robert’s. “Where have you been, huh? Why did you go away?”

The questions leave him before he can stop himself, he sees Aaron shaking his head, pushing Robert’s hands away. He takes a firmer grip on them, determined not to lose him again.

“No, no, no!” He mumbles, the force of the tremors going through him making Robert move back slightly. “I can’t, don’t make me, I can’t.”

“Alright, it’s alright. No one’s going to make you do anything. You’re safe with me...you do remember me, don’t you?” He doesn’t know what else to say, doesn’t have the first idea what to do.

Aaron frowns and Robert wants to smile because it’s a typical Aaron frown. It’s reassuring him a little although his stomach is still in knots because it’s obvious something is seriously wrong.

“Robert.” He smiles, Aaron doesn’t need to say anything else, it’s his ‘why are you being stupid’ tone.

“Yeah, yeah it’s me. God, we’ve been so worried!” He feels Aaron tense, like he’s getting ready to bolt so Robert does the first thing he can think of and runs a hand through his hair, ignoring the state of it. He feels him calm down a little. “Are you hurt?”

He shakes his head and Robert lets out a breath, that’s something at least. “I…”

“What is it?”

“I need to go.” He insists, pulling away, trying to get out of the corner but Robert won’t move. He relents enough to move so he’s not crowding Aaron but he’s terrified of him leaving so he still blocks his path somewhat.

“Aaron...wait!”

“No. Need to go. You don’t want me here. Let me out!”

“Are you...you’re joking. Aaron, I don’t know what’s happened, what you’ve been through but you can’t honestly think I don’t want you. I’ve been going out of my mind since I knew you came back.”

“You’ve got…” Aaron swallows and grimaces, Robert forces himself to stay quiet, “family...don’t need me. Just let me go.”

“No. Aaron I can’t. You can’t go, not without talking first.” He knows he’s begging, will do anything. “Just talk to me.”

“I can’t, I need to go.” He looks up at him, eyes full of anguish. “Please, Robert.”

He took a deep breath, giving himself time to get the words right. “Will you...if you won’t stay for good, at least let me get some food. You can eat and get warm. It’s freezing.” Aaron doesn’t move, just nods his head very slightly. “I can...shall I run you a bath, get you warm?” This time the nod is more pronounced, more sure and Robert feels like maybe he’s starting to get somewhere. “Please don’t run while I’m gone. I mean it, I can’t lose you again.”

He got to his feet, wincing and he saw Aaron’s concerned look, which oddly pleased him. It meant Aaron still cared a bit, at least. Later, he thought, for now he wanted Aaron comfortable enough to stay. Everything else could be sorted out later. He got the bath running, cursing the lack of heat with no fire burning and no logs in the cottage. He finds towels and soap in the cupboard that will have to do, before going back to fetch Aaron. He hadn’t heard anything from the bedroom but he was still gripped by the fear that he’d find him gone. He wasn’t, he was still in the corner although he’d relaxed the grip on his knees.

“Bath’s ready.” Aaron got up slowly crossing the room. “I’ll wait downstairs, alright?”

“No!” Aaron grabbed his hand. “Stay, please.” He pleaded. Robert was confused, one minute he pushed him away, the next he didn’t want him to leave. Still, he didn’t question it, would never turn Aaron down.

“Alright.” Robert smiled, seeing Aaron instantly relax. “I’ll stay, I’ll always stay. Come on, water’s getting cold.”

When they reach the bathroom, Robert hangs back doesn’t want to crowd him but Aaron is standing there like he doesn’t know what to do.

“Can I...can I help?” Aaron nods shakily. Robert steps forward, his own hands shaking and he pushes the big coat off Aaron’s shoulders, onto the floor. He sees more tears fall down his cheeks, wipes them away with his thumbs.

“Sorry.”

“What for?” He can’t help but stroke his cheek, the doubt and something almost like fear in Aaron’s voice making him want to hold him and never let go.

“I’m a mess.” He whispers.

“Shh, it doesn’t matter.” His fingers fumble over the buttons on his tatty shirt. “I’ve waited so long to see you again, nothing matters.”

When the rest of his clothes are off Robert can’t help but run his eyes over him, can’t see any obvious injuries. He’s thin, so thin and it reminds Robert that there’s no food in the cottage, he would have to fetch some. For now he just wanted to make Aaron comfortable in the hope he would stay.

When Aaron turns to climb into the bath it takes everything for Robert to hold in a cry at the sight of his back. He’d obviously been caught in the blast of a shell, like Robert, but worse, so much worse. The scars are healed but there are so many of them, jagged like Robert’s where they’d been hastily fixed, nothing pretty about field medicine. His eyes fill with tears but he knows Aaron needs him to be strong, can’t see him like this so he keeps quiet, doesn’t say anything.

“Will you let me wash your hair?” He needs to do something, can’t just sit there. Aaron nodded, he’d stopped shivering, was just sitting staring into space. Carefully Robert tipped water over his head with the ceramic jug that sat on the windowsill. He gently massaged in the soap, trying his best not to pull too hard on the tangled locks. He was full of questions but he knew he had to wait. “Tip your head back.” He held his hand against his face trying to keep most of the water out of his eyes as he rinsed his hair clean. “Alright?”

“Thank you.” Robert doesn’t answer, the brokenness of the thanks leaves him speechless.

“You want to talk yet?” Aaron shook his head, “Alright, no hurry. You know there’s no food...if I go and fetch some, will you...you won’t leave will you? I’m not forcing you to stay but don’t...if you run I’m…” He doesn’t say anything, just nods. “I won’t be long.” He winced as he got to his feet, leg twinging enough to take his breath away. He sees Aaron looking again. Strangely his worry gives Robert another spark of hope. “I’m fine. I’ll be as quick as I can be.”

He’s amazed he manages to get to the house and the kitchen without running into his sister. He half expects her to be watching for him out of the window. He successfully gets the cook to make him some sandwiches and to put some food into a basket. He knows he doesn’t have to tell her why, although he can see she’s curious. He doesn’t want anyone knowing about Aaron yet, doesn’t want Liv finding out until he knows what’s going on, doesn’t want anyone coming to the cottage before Aaron is ready.

He feels the relief wash over him when he finds Aaron still there, sitting on the sofa. He’d dressed in clean clothes, looking more like the Aaron he remembered. Robert had never been more glad they’d left his things at the cottage.

“Feeling better?” Aaron nods and makes an attempt at a smile. “Good. I’ve got some of Mrs L’s sandwiches and cake. Some fruit...I hope that’s alright. I wasn’t sure what you wanted...and some tea, so I can put the kettle on.” He stops as a hand covers his. He looks at Aaron.

“Still here.”

“Yeah.” He goes back to unpacking the basket, needing to be doing something. Aaron seems calmer, less panicked, which is good but Robert has a feeling in his gut that won’t go away.

“I can’t talk...not about,” he swallowed, “the war, not yet.”

“Alright, I won’t push but...where have you been? Can you at least tell me that? Where did you go after you came back?”

“Here and there. Just wherever I could find some work. When I couldn’t, I’d find somewhere to sleep. Not much out there for soldiers like me.” He doesn’t meet Robert’s eyes, just takes small bites of the food inbetween talking. It’s so matter of fact that Robert wants to scream. He’s read the papers, he knows so many are struggling but now it’s Aaron it’s too close to home.

“You should have,” Robert takes a deep breath, tries to calm down. “Why didn’t you stay here? Even if you didn’t want me anymore, you could have had your job back. You didn’t need to be sleeping rough!” He knew he was shouting, and he saw Aaron shrinking back into the sofa, but he was so worried, had been going out of his mind, everything was rushing out of him before he could stop it.

“I’m sorry!”

“Just help me understand. You don’t have to talk about it all but I need to know one thing.” Robert dropped exhausted into a chair, his leg becoming far too painful to remain standing. “Why didn’t you come home, come to me?”

“I can’t...it’s too hard. Why won’t you just let me go? If you hadn’t come here you wouldn’t even have known I’d been back.” Robert scoffed. “How did you know in the first place?”

“The photograph. You took it the day you came back the first time. No one else knew about it, it had to be you. Besides do you really think I haven’t noticed things were going missing the last couple of weeks? I’m not stupid! Where have you been staying?”

Aaron sighed, “One of the barns on the old farm. I just wanted to take my things and go...leave you to get on with your life.”

“You didn’t have to skulk about like a thief! Fuck sake Aaron! Did you forget you had a sister or do you just not care anymore? Do you know how many nights I’ve sat up with her when she’s had nightmares? Thank God I didn’t tell her you’d come back.”

“What?"

“I thought you were fucking dead Aaron! I had to tell that girl that her brother, the only person she had in the world, wasn’t coming home. And then...just when she’s starting to get out of the pit of grief, you came back, but not for her, not for me. You just take your things. There was no way I was telling her!” He’s so angry he doesn’t notice Aaron’s crying, great sobs punching out of him. He can’t bring himself to comfort him. Months of worry, years without him have built into this ball of anger that’s he’s carrying and he can’t stop.

“You...they told you I was dead?” He stops, even more confused now. He blew out a breath, calming slightly and sat down.

“Vic got a letter. It was the same as Andy’s, there was no doubt...just...help me understand.”

“You...no, I need to go.” Robert reached out, tried to calm him down, was totally confused about what was going on. “Let me go, she’s...you’re better off without me.”

“Alright.” Robert stood up, heart pounding. He was taking a risk, and if it didn’t work, he knew he wouldn’t see Aaron again, but he had to do something. “If you really want to go. If you really want to leave Liv and you want nothing to do with me then I’ll let you go. But if you do, that’s it, Aaron, because I can’t go through this again and I won’t risk Liv being hurt.”

“Robert…”

“It’s your choice. If you stay I’ll help you however I can, I promise. Whatever you need, even if it’s not me, but I mean it Aaron...if I lose you again it has to be the last time.” He’s crying too now, the tears are burning his eyes but he can see Aaron wavering so he relents. “Will you at least do what I said and stay tonight? It’s freezing out there. I can’t let you sleep out again in this weather.”

“It’s not about me not wanting you. You won’t want me, Robert, not like this. Not who I am now. Especially after what I’ve done.”

“That’s for me to decide, isn’t it? So when you’re ready you’ll tell me and let me see for myself. But I told you I loved you over everything else. I would have given up my whole life for you, so I don’t think there’s anything you could do to change that.” He can see Aaron doesn’t believe him and he’s going out of his mind wondering what on earth has happened to leave Aaron like this.

“I’ll stay tonight. I’m not promising anything.” With a huge sigh he sits back down looking defeated.

“Fair enough.” He glances at the mantle clock. “I’ll have to go soon, Liv will come looking for me if I’m not home. Have to get back for…” He trails off, knows Aaron isn’t ready for any more revelations.

“For what?” Robert sighs. “What is it?”

“What did Ross say to you when you came back?” Aaron looks at him oddly, not following the change of subject and it takes him a while to answer.

“He said you didn’t need me anymore, you had your family, everything you needed.” Robert frowned, still not understanding why Aaron would believe anything Ross said. “I didn’t believe him but then...then I saw you.” He springs out of his seat and starts pacing.

“Saw what? I have no idea what you’re on about.”

“You were in the kitchen garden, where we met” He sniffed, swiped away the tears on his cheeks. “You looked so happy, and Liv...she was laughing and helping your little boy walk, she looked like a different person, so happy. You both did...I saw you had everything you ever wanted.” Robert can’t even remember the day in question, just stares at Aaron, doesn’t know what he’s talking about. “Just like he said.”

“No, Aaron. No I didn’t, I didn’t have you.” He could feel his fists clenching at the thought of Ross being so cruel. He wants to find him and hurt him, so much that he’s scared of himself almost.

“You had a family! An heir! I presume your wife was elsewhere but I knew Ross was right. What could I give you? You had it all and I was nothing. I had nothing! I’m just another messed up soldier whose life is in tatters. Why the hell would you want me?”

Robert can’t speak, doesn’t even know how to respond. He doesn’t know how he can fix this, whatever it is that has Aaron in this state. He’s helpless.

“I’m not married. Never have been. There is an heir, yes, but he’s not my son.”

“But…” Robert could tell he was remembering their conversation from before they left about who could inherit.

“He’s not my heir Aaron, I promise you, he’s Andy’s child. It’s a long story.” Aaron shrugs as if to say he isn’t going anywhere. “Are you sure you want to hear this? It might upset you.”

“And I’m not upset now? Just tell me!”

He takes a sip of his tea before starting the story, not leaving anything out. He watches Aaron carefully, making sure he’s not getting upset or anything. The last thing he wants to do is make whatever is going on with Aaron any worse.

“I don’t...Debbie had a child? With Andy?”

“Yes. I could see the resemblance to Andy almost straight away and if I hadn’t, she had the marriage certificate and a photograph. Apparently they’d been seeing each other for a while right under our noses. Then they got married on his last home leave. She didn’t find out about the baby until just after he was killed. Turns out he’d had a lot more leave than he told us about and they’d meet up in secret.”

“You believed her, just like that?” Robert frowns, he’d just said she had proof hadn’t he?

“Of course. It was a shock I admit, but when I thought back I could see there was a change in him, even Diane had noticed.”

“She could have told me. I would’ve helped. Surely she knew that?”

“I think she did, but even with them being married she was worried people would look down on her. Not us but in the village, at least I hope she didn’t think we would.” Aaron nodded, the village gossips were notorious. “She was grieving Aaron...I know how it messes you up.”

“Sorry.” He looks down at his hands, picking at his fingernails.

“I wasn’t…” He was stumbling over his words, so scared of saying the wrong thing and making Aaron leave. “I just mean I understand that she wasn’t thinking straight, how alone she must have felt. She didn’t do this to hurt anyone.”

“Sounds like she confided in you a lot.”

“We talked a lot...I couldn’t do much else at the time. We had things in common.” Aaron looks puzzled and Robert smiles. “You, idiot!”

“What’s he like?” Robert could see the tears once again in his eyes.

“He’s wonderful. I mean he’s just like Andy from what I remember Mum and Dad telling me but there’s plenty of that Dingle fire in him, especially at bedtime. He’s made us all smile again. You’re gonna love him.”

“Don’t…” He shook his head. Robert knew him better than that, knew he wanted to see him, Aaron hadn’t changed that much.

“When you’re ready.”

“So is she...she didn’t just give him to you?”

“What? No…” Robert realised that in all the worry and shock of seeing Aaron he hadn’t told him about Debbie when he told the story. “They both came back here, to live. I needed help and she was a nurse so she was allowed to leave the hospital and come back to work here, or at least that was the official version. This was when Victoria was still in France.”

“She’s here?”

“I...I’m sorry, Aaron. It was…” He knew he was piling more misery on him, when he didn’t need it in the state he was in but he had no choice. “It was the flu, you know it took so many people. There was nothing they could do. I’m so sorry.”

“No, not Debbie…” He sinks down onto the chair and Robert aches to reach out to him to comfort him but he doesn’t think it’d be welcome so he stays where he is, helpless. His reaction isn’t what Robert expects. It’s more like resignation than sadness or distress. Almost like he expects to have nothing or nobody left. “When?”

“Just after the war ended, before you came back.”

“Did Barton know?” Robert frowns but shakes his head.

“No, well, I don’t know, but he’s hardly been here.” It was just bad luck that one of the few times he had, Aaron had run into him. ”He’s gone, thinks he can make his fortune in America or some such nonsense. Aaron, why didn’t you just talk to me that day?”

“Because...you looked so happy, and I was a mess, much more of a mess back then. I believed that you wouldn’t want me, didn’t think that you would after what I’d done. It was easier to leave than hear you say you didn’t love me anymore...it was easier to leave.” Robert doubted that but if he was in anywhere near the state he’s in now he was beginning to understand a little. “I was a coward, couldn’t face you.”

“Hey, look at me.” He waits him out and eventually he lifts his head, stares straight at him. “Remember what you said to me about that word? Well I’m the same. Don’t talk about yourself that way. Whatever’s happened you’re not a coward.” Aaron doesn’t say anything so he carries on. If he keeps talking maybe eventually he’ll get through to him. “I wouldn’t...I told you I never stopped wanting you. You have to believe that.”

He still didn’t say anything and Robert could feel himself becoming frustrated because he couldn’t help if Aaron wouldn’t talk to him. “Look you’re here now, stay tonight, and maybe until you’re back on your feet. You look awful!”

“Always know how to make me feel better, don’t you?” He sighed, he looked so tired, so defeated. “I told you, Robert. I’m messed up .”

“I don’t care. I said I’ll help you…” He’d say it as many times as it took Aaron to hear him.

“I…”

“Aaron you have people here who love you, and I don’t just mean me and Liv. Vic misses you too and there’s a little boy who will adore you. I’ve told him all about his Uncle Aaron.” He can see that spark of interest in Aaron’s eyes again, it’s something. “Get some rest tonight and we can talk tomorrow. You look like you haven’t slept for weeks, and it’s freezing out there. Please.” He’s not against begging because he knows he can’t watch Aaron walk away again.

“Alright. I’m not promising more than that but we’ll see.”

It’s better than nothing so Robert doesn’t push for any more. He knows he’ll have to go back to the house soon, otherwise Liv will come looking for him when she gets home from school and the last thing either of them needs is her finding Aaron like this.

It takes everything he has to leave, even though Aaron promises he won’t leave without saying goodbye. He’s promised to go back the next day, as soon as Liv goes to school. He has food and they’d managed to bring some logs in between them so he could get the fire going and keep warm. Robert was sure he’d be alright but he can’t help worrying that when he goes back to the cottage, it will be empty, like it was all a dream.

When he reaches the house he heads straight to the library, ignores Victoria who’s reading in the corner, and pours himself a large glass of whisky and takes a huge gulp wincing at the burn in his throat.

“I told you not to go there again, Robert. Look at you!”

“He’s back.” He whispers. He knows what he promised but he can’t keep it to himself.

“Who? Aaron?” She gets up from the chair, shock all over her face as he nods. “Where is he? What happened?”

“At the cottage. I don’t know...he’s...God, Vic he’s a mess.”

“And you left him there?”

“He...he didn’t want to stay. I had to promise no one would know. You can’t tell Liv, Vic, it’ll break her heart because I honestly don’t know if he wants to see her or if he’s going to stay. When he saw Ross he told him or implied I was married, didn’t need him any more. I could kill him, Vic, really I could.”

“But…”

“Aaron’s a mess, Vic, and Ross just added to it, then he saw me with Liv and Jacob thought everything he’d said was true. I don’t know what’s got him into this state but it’s going to take a long time to get my Aaron back, if I even can. I don’t even know if he’s going to be there when I go back.”

He tells her some of what Aaron had said, needs someone to talk to. He’s torn, he wants to go back to him to make sure he hasn’t disappeared again, but he also knows that Aaron needs time to digest everything he’s told him and doesn’t need to be crowded.

“Rob!” He plastered a smile on his face at the shrill little voice calling his name. He turned round and saw his nephew toddling towards him, followed by Liv.

“Oh here’s trouble.” He picked him up and placed him on his lap, smiling at Liv, trying to act as normally as possible. “How was school? Did you manage to upset your teacher today?”

“No, but I did have to stay in at dinner because he said I was talking. I wasn’t Robert!”

“Hmm, I’ll believe you this time.” He did. If she’d done what the teacher said she always tried too hard to look innocent and he’d got used to it. He looked at her and the boy on his lap, happily playing with the buttons on his jacket and he realised he wished Aaron was here more than anything. He had to convince him to stay, had to help him with whatever was wrong.

~~~ * ~~~

Two nights later he can’t sleep, woken with the sudden need to go to Aaron. Somehow he’d convinced him to stay, for a few days at least. He knew deep down he wanted to stay but whatever had happened to him was stopping him from fully opening up. The past two days they’ve spent together but he’s said nothing more about his time away, has just wanted to know about Liv, the village, nothing else. Robert knows it’ll all come out at some point, but he’s treading carefully, Aaron’s still jumpy, adamant he’s not staying for good.

Having to act normally with Liv, knowing Aaron’s so close but won’t hear of her knowing he’s back, is torture and he’s sure she thinks she’s done something wrong. He knows he’s been snappy and offhand with her.

All of it is playing havoc with his sleep, not that he gets many unbroken nights as it is, so when he’s lain awake staring at the ceiling for over an hour he decides to give in to the feeling and walk over to the cottage. The worst that can happen is Aaron sending him away with a flea in his ear. On the other hand, maybe they can talk, maybe this time he might get Aaron to open up a bit, help him understand what’s going on.

He just hopes that Liv doesn’t come in looking for him after a nightmare, but he’s doing no good just lying in bed worrying.

He lets himself in, quietly makes his way up the stairs. He doesn’t want to wake Aaron if he’s sleeping but as soon as he steps into the room he can tell he isn’t, not peacefully at least.

“Sorry, so sorry…don’t!” He’s twisted the blankets around him and he’s fighting against them, drenched in sweat. Robert crosses to the bed, not even sure of the best way to comfort him, or whether to wake him. As he’s wondering Aaron shoots upright in bed with a shout.

“Aaron,” He whispers, doesn’t want to startle him.

“Robert?” He looks startled, the moonlight coming in the window making him ghostly pale.

“I…couldn’t sleep, wanted to make sure you were alright.”

“Just nightmares.” Moving closer Robert can see the tremors are back in his hands. “Why are you here at this time?”

“I’ll go if you want. I thought...wondered if you felt up to talking?”

“No...stay. If...if I talk...will you just listen. I can’t answer your questions, just let me say what I can.” He gets up, stands in front of him. “Just give me a minute.”

“Of course.” He goes to sit in the small armchair but Aaron shakes his head, nods to the bed and leaves.

When he gets back from the bathroom, looking calmer, water droplets dripping onto his chest where he’s washed his face. Robert hasn’t moved, still not sure Aaron wants him to share the bed.

“Get in. That chair is not comfortable, you know that.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Robert.” That tone leaves no room for argument so he sits on the bed slipping off his shoes. Aaron gets in beside him, suddenly quiet. Robert just gets comfortable and waits for him to start talking.

“I was in hospital. I can’t...there was a shell. I was the only one who survived, woke up in hospital. I don’t remember much, didn’t remember anything, didn’t know who I was. I suppose that’s why you were told I was missing because no one knew who I was. I knew my tags had gone, but I didn’t even think...I’m sorry.” Robert shakes his head, it doesn’t matter anymore, not now he’s here. “When my memories came back it was...what happened before and it...I felt like I was going mad. By the time I was remembering people, stuff about me, I’d been moved to a proper hospital. I didn’t…” He stopped but Robert didn’t speak until it seemed like Aaron wasn’t going to carry on.

“You don’t have to…”

“No it’s just, I don’t know if you’re going to want to hear this bit.”

“It’s fine.” He didn’t know if it was but he wasn’t going to stop him now he was finally talking.

“They didn’t say anything about family...didn’t ask. I assumed they’d contacted someone from my records. I’d not heard anything from anyone for months, not even Liv. I thought...you have to remember, what happened...I was so ashamed..the state I was in. I convinced myself that nobody wanted to see me, that you all knew what I’d done…”

“We wouldn’t do that.”

“Rationally I know that but back then...if I’d known you thought I was dead...but I didn’t. I convinced myself you didn’t want me. It doesn’t make sense now, but it did back then. I hated myself for what I’d done, still do, so why wouldn’t you? It doesn’t make sense but that’s how my mind was working.”

“But you did come back.”

“Yeah, because I got better. told myself I should make a clean break, get my things. It was the hardest thing, coming back, being so close. The only way I could was to sneak back in, avoid you, keep away from the house, from Liv. I couldn’t before.... I know you saw the scars. They took ages to heal. As soon as they released me, I came here...you know the rest.”

“I could kill Ross.” Robert muttered. He wanted to hold Aaron but he was still so unsure how he’d take it so he just reached out a hand, let Aaron take it and lace their fingers together.

“No you couldn’t. Trust me Robert, as much as you hate him. I do too, but you wouldn’t want that on your conscience.” Robert can’t say anything to that but every time Aaron speaks he’s starting to get an insight into what he’s been through. Instead of giving him platitudes he changes the subject.

“So...now you are back, maybe a bit more rested...did you think any more about what you wanted to do?”

“I’ve only been here a few days.” Aaron tried to laugh but it didn’t get anywhere near his eyes. “You don’t know what I did.”

“I don’t care, I won’t judge you on what you might have done in a war. I told you. I wish I could make you believe it. Whatever it is doesn’t change how I see you. It won’t change how Liv or Jacob see you. You have to be sure though, Liv can’t be hurt again.”

“I know. I’m scared though.” He shuffled closer to Robert and he wrapped his arms around Aaron, holding him close. It felt so good and he felt Aaron relax straight away.

“I’m scared too. But we love each other don’t we?” He’s more pleased than he can say when Aaron nods, eyes shining. “Then we’ll be scared together. I missed you so much and when I thought you’d died…” He shakes his head, can’t carry on.

“You don’t...Robert I’ve changed.”

“So have I. None of that matters. Not to me, not to Liv. You’re back, that’s all we’ve wanted.” He doesn’t answer, doesn’t speak for a long time.

“What if I...sometimes I go back there...what if I lash out at them? At you?”

“Why would you?” He couldn’t follow Aaron’s thoughts, they were untangling as he spoke but Robert couldn’t keep up.

“What do you know about shell shock?”

~~~ * ~~~

It’s another couple of days before Aaron agrees to see Liv. He still hasn’t said he’s staying but Robert’s sure he wouldn’t run out on his sister again, can only hope he’s right. Robert knows this isn’t the end of it, that Aaron’s not magically fixed, but it’s a start. The two of them alone have a lot more to talk about to get anywhere near where they were but he’s confident they will. Now he just has to tell Liv her brother is alive.

“Liv, could you come in here a moment?” He calls as he hears her stomping through the hallway. He knew she was on her way to the kitchen as the cook was teaching her to bake.

“I’m meant to be with Mrs L.” She pouted and he sighed. He didn’t want her to be in one of her moods. They were few and far between these days but still hit with impressive force.

“I need to talk to you.” She steps inside and he closes the door to the library. She stops when she sees Diane sitting by the fireplace. The two of them got on well but Liv was still closer to Robert and Victoria.

“I didn’t do anything!” He wants to laugh at the indignant look on her face, already defensive.

“I know.” Robert can’t help but smile. “It’s not about school. Come and sit down.” He patted the seat beside him. He had no idea how she was going to react but he and Aaron had discussed it and decided it was best to tell her before she saw him. “It’s about Aaron.”

“Do I have to go away? Are you fed up with me?”

“What? No!” He was dismayed, thought they were over this. She’d asked him many times, needing reassurance that she was wanted, wasn’t in the way and he thought he’d convinced her.

“This is your home pet, for as long as you want. Besides it’d be far too quiet without you.” Diane comes over and sits on her other side, taking her hand.

“You’re not leaving, Liv. I just need you to listen a minute. When we got the letter about Aaron...the reason they sent it was that he was in hospital and no one knew who he was. He’d lost his memory and they assumed he’d died in the incident where he was injured. After that he was too ill to tell anyone.” It wasn’t quite the truth but Aaron didn’t want her to know anything about him coming back before.

“He’s not dead?”

“No. As soon as he was well enough to stay he came here.”

“Where is he?” She asked, jumping to her feet looking excited, and Robert was smiling, although he hadn’t finished.

“At the cottage...Liv wait!” He caught her arm as she went to run from the room. “I need to explain a few things first.”

“I want to see him! He is alright isn’t he?”

“Yes. He isn’t hurt, not anymore and his memory is back. He, er...he went through a lot, so it’ll take time for him to be back to himself. We need to take it easy for a while, don’t crowd him.” As he spoke he heard Jacob crying out for one of them, obviously having escaped the clutches of Julia who was looking after him.

“I’ll fetch him.” Diane got to her feet.

“Here, sit down again. Just for a minute. He has nightmares and sometimes during the day his mind takes him back to the war so we have to give him space when he needs it.” He’d listened as Aaron had explained, told him how best to manage when he panicked or got stuck in his memories, but he didn’t know the best way to explain it to Liv.

He told him how it was getting better but he couldn’t deal with loud noises, that he couldn’t stop the memories coming back. Robert already knew that and how scared he was about hurting someone because of them. He hasn’t been able to convince Aaron that he wouldn’t.

“But why? We can help him!”

“And we will, but he’s frightened he’ll say or do something to hurt you when he gets that way so for now it has to be like this.” He wrapped his arm around her seeing her upset. “He’s already a lot better than he was. It’s for the best. He’ll get there, it’ll just take time.”

“How long has he been back?”

“A couple of days.” She looks at him, angry he hadn’t told her. “He wanted to wait until he was settled back in before he saw you. You know Aaron, always protecting everyone else. We have to protect him for a while now, that’s all. Come on, he’s waiting.”

When they’re halfway to the cottage she stops. He knows she wants to run the whole way but she’s patiently waiting for him, his steps still slower than they once were.

“Robert...thank you.” He frowned not knowing what she meant. “For looking after me, for not sending me away.”

“Liv, without you being here...well who would have kept me on my toes?” He can’t tell her that having her and Jacob to look after was what kept him going when he thought Aaron was gone.

“Well...anyway.” She shrugged, as uncomfortable as her brother with handing out compliments, let alone receiving them.

“Hey, Liv?” He nods towards the cottage where Aaron is waiting, leaning on the doorframe as if he’d never been away. Liv all but flew the short distance to him and threw her arms around him. Robert just watched, heart full of love for the pair of them.

~~~ * ~~~

“I’ve been thinking.” Robert says as he watches Aaron poring over the newspaper. They’re eating a late breakfast, their sleep interrupted by another nightmare so they’d slept in late.

“Well that’s always a worry.” Aaron laughs and Robert would kick him under the table but he’s missed the sound, doesn’t want to stop it. “Go on then.”

“Would you...I mean we could…” He stops, ignores Aaron’s look and takes a deep breath, tries to calm his nerves. “How do you feel about moving into the house with me, with Liv?”

It’s a month now since Aaron came back and while he still hasn’t opened up any about what went on, they’ve started to get somewhere towards where they were before they left but Robert selfishly wants to be with him all the time. At the moment he’s splitting his time between the house and the cottage. It’s exhausting and it no longer feels like enough, if it ever did.

“Robert...how could I even...you know I can’t.”

“Why not?”

“I told you. I’m scared...if I lash out or panic. I can’t put Liv or Jacob through that. It’s bad enough that you see.”

“You’ve not hurt me and I don’t believe for one second you’d hurt those two. Anyway that could happen here just as easily.” He gets up and crouches beside Aaron’s chair. “We could make it work, make sure Liv understands. At least think about it.”

“And what would we say to everyone? No, it’s best left as it is.”

“Will you just stop being so stubborn for one minute. Diane knows, I told you that. Your nephew or as good as lives there, will own the place one day, your sister is there. No one is going to think it strange if you move in. I’ll make sure of it. Just think it over, please.”

“Maybe. It’s a lot to...just give me time, please. I won’t stay around them until I’m sure I won’t hurt them. I’m not budging on that. Liv would understand, she’s old enough but Jacob isn’t.” Robert can’t help but smile a little at that. He’d known the minute Aaron saw the little boy he’d fall in love and his protective nature was out in full force. The love was entirely mutual with Jacob now he was more likely to head to Aaron for things before anyone else.

“Alright, as long as you’ll consider it, that’s all I ask.”

Robert doesn’t know what else to say, hates it when they’re apart but he knows Aaron needs time. He also needs to see he has people who love him, that they don’t see him any differently.

He’s visibly better already, he’s put on weight, he looks healthier all round, more like the old Aaron. Mentally is another story and it’s going to take a lot more time. The slight tremors are still there and Aaron hates it, gets frustrated if he drops something or fumbles, and Robert’s constantly trying to help without making him feel useless.

Up until now they’ve spent most of their time at the cottage, alone and with Liv and Jacob. Aaron doesn’t want to be around anyone else and Robert is just happy to be with him again for the time being. They haven’t discussed their relationship, both walking on eggshells around each other while they settle back into life together. Some days are better than others and some days Aaron won’t let anyone close. Some days only Liv can get past the walls he’s built up and some days it’s Robert. They’re trying to take one day at a time, however hard it is.

~~~ * ~~~

“Are you ready?” Robert asks, standing in the doorway, a bag in his hand, waiting while Aaron looks nervously round his own hands clutching at a suitcase.

“Yeah...no. Are you sure this is alright?”

“What do you mean?”

“Me moving in. I don’t…” He hung his head and Robert sighed.

They’ve been over this so many times the past few weeks since he suggested it. He’d talked to everyone else, confident they were happy for Aaron to move in, not that they were his main concern if he was honest. If it weren’t for Liv and Jacob he’d be happy staying here all the time but most of all he wants Aaron to be happy, he wants them to start getting back to being together. Right now everything is still strange, so familiar but different at the same time.

“Aaron, you’re...I don’t know how else to convince you. Liv is there, Jacob is there, your family. If you won’t be comfortable then we’ll wait, but don’t think no one wants you to be there. We all do. Liv’s been crazing me for a week or more since we first mentioned it to her.”

“I don’t belong up there...what if I…” Robert sighed, wishing he could make Aaron believe he wouldn’t hurt anyone, that people wanted him. They’d been over this so many times.

“You do belong there. If you want to be there then nothing else matters. As for...Jacob has been here with me every day and he’s been perfectly fine. Look, the cottage isn’t going anywhere, you can come back whenever you want.”

“Why are you so determined about this?”

“I spent months thinking you were dead, imagining a life without you. We’d already been apart for years. Now you’re here I just want you close, I don’t want to waste any more time.” He puts down the bag and crosses to him, rubbing his hands up and down his arms, watching, waiting as he thought everything over. “Will you at least give it a go?”

It takes a while but eventually he nods. Robert knows he wants this, they’ve talked it over, but he’s learning that this new Aaron, full of insecurities and panic, will take a while to navigate. “It’s going to be fine, I promise.”

Aaron takes one more look around the place that holds so many good memories before he turns back to face him, leaning closer to kiss him, properly. It’s been so long it’s like the first time all over again and Robert wraps his arms around Aaron’s back, keeping him close.

“Come on then.” He winks. “New start.” And it is, it’s strange and wonderful all rolled together but it’s a change for the better, at least he hopes it is.

~~~ * ~~~

It’s the third night after Aaron’s moved in when Robert is woken again by his screams. Jerking awake he looks over to see him curled up as tight as he can, at the edge of the bed, bedclothes tangled in his legs and he’s shaking violently. He stops screaming as Robert moves and he thinks he’s awake, but he’s sobbing quietly, eyes screwed shut so he can’t really tell. Robert does the first thing he thinks of and wraps him tightly in his arms.

“No! Don’t...I can’t go back there, I can’t!.” He doesn’t shout but the distraught tone is enough to have Robert moving away from him frightened of making it worse. He doesn’t know what to do, how to wake him. When he was in the hospital he heard some of the others having nightmares, calling out in their sleep, but this was Aaron and the anguish in his voice is breaking his heart. He’s seen him this way before but this nightmare seems worse, and he feels helpless.

“Alright. You’re ok, it’s just me. Nobody’s making you go anywhere.” Aaron opens his eyes, calming as soon as he sees Robert. “You’re not going anywhere. You’re safe.”

“Sorry. I woke you up again didn’t I?” Aaron asks when he’s calmed down some more. It had happened every night so far, either his screams or cries waking him.

“I don’t care about that. I’m just worried about you. Do you...can you talk about it?” He shakes his head. “It might help. You can’t keep on like this, you’re going to make yourself ill.”

“It’s too hard...I don’t want to.”

“You can’t go on this way. Can you try? You can always stop.” He reaches out, fingers finding Aaron’s hair, knowing it soothes him. It needs cutting but Robert’s learning to pick his battles carefully. “I’m worried. I don’t know how to help you.”

“You haven’t told me what happened to you.” He’s turned over and shuffled back against Robert and he can’t see his face, but he knows he’s pouting and he wants to smile, it’s so familiar, but it’s still not his Aaron, not yet.

“We’re bargaining now, are we?” He settles an arm around Aaron’s waist, now he’s calm enough to be held. It’s become a bit of a guessing game working out just when Aaron wants to be held and when he wants to be left alone but he’s getting better at it. “Alright then, I’ll tell you what happened to me, and you’ll tell me something, how’s that.”

“We’ll see.”

“Alright, you sure you want to hear it now?” Aaron nods. “I was, that is we were going to collect the injured, the shelling was supposed to have finished, we were supposed to be safe but I guess it was our turn to be unlucky. I can remember hearing it. You couldn’t run. We were carrying a stretcher so even if we hadn’t been ankle deep in mud we couldn’t have outrun it.” He takes a deep breath, feels Aaron’s hand reach back and tightens on his hip as the memories overtake him. “I must have been caught in the blast, bad enough to throw me on my back, but I...I lived, somehow. Found out later only a couple of the others survived. I was lucky really, could have been worse. I’ve just got a weak leg and chest.” He shrugged. Compared to Aaron he was fine.

“Robert...” Aaron twists round, turns to face him, eyes sad.

“Compared to you, to so many, it’s nothing.”

“No it’s not.”

“I saw you, as I lay there...and I thought, if I’m going to die at least he’s here, I’m safe with him.” He doesn’t say anymore, the memories too much and they lay in silence the minutes passing by before either of them speaks again.

“I was...they picked us, didn’t say what for...if they had…”

“I read that in your letters.” He wanted to know, he wanted to help but the pain on Aaron’s face was too much. “Liv gave them to me when I was in the hospital after you…”

“I was a good shot.” Robert can’t help but flinch, hopes Aaron won’t notice, but of course he does. “Sorry. You know I always understood that you didn’t like guns, but I didn’t really get it, you know. Now I do. Did you ever...have...did you see someone killed?”

“I...saw plenty of men die before we could get them to safety.”

“No I mean...right in front of you.” Robert shook his head where it rested against Aaron’s. “I did. He didn’t look much older than Liv really, must have been I know but...I...he was just a kid Robert, how could they do it?”

“Do what? I don’t understand.”

“They said...said he was a coward, but he was just a kid, probably lied about his age...I can’t…” Robert doesn’t say anything, thinks he’s worked out just what it was that Aaron had to do, and he doesn’t have the words to even try and comfort him. How could he? He’d heard the tales, everyone had, but he’d not given it much thought there were too many other things to worry about.

“It’s alright, you don’t have to. I’m so sorry.” He reaches out to stroke Aaron’s cheek, brushing the stray tears away, but they just flow faster.

“Why are we killing our own people, Robert? They’re just kids, scared kids.”

“I don’t know, but none of that is on you, it wasn’t your fault.” He tightens his hold, never wants to let him go again, wants to take away the pain, make it all better.

“I still...he was calling for his Mum…” He pulled away, climbing from the bed. Robert doesn’t follow, no matter how much he wants to, knows it’s Aaron’s way of telling him he doesn’t want touching. “I don’t think I’ll ever understand this…I should have done something.”

“What could you have done?”

“Something, anything! Anything but fucking shoot him!” All of a sudden he swipes his hand across the top of the dresser knocking everything to the floor before he falls to his knees.

“Aaron!” Robert gets up, sees the mess of broken photograph frames and glass on the floor and carefully goes across to Aaron, easing down onto his knees beside him, holding him tight holding him close, back pressed against Robert’s chest. “It’s not your fault, none of it is your fault.”

“But…”

“If you’d refused, if you’d said anything they could have done the same thing to you and I’m sorry for that lad, I am, but I know well enough that I wouldn’t have coped without you.” Aaron doesn’t say anything, he just cries softly, Robert holding him whispering softly. “You didn’t have a choice, not really.”

Aaron doesn’t get chance to answer before there’s a knock on the door and Diane’s concerned voice asking if they are alright. Robert knows she won’t leave and normally he’d be glad of her worry but he knows Aaron won’t want her seeing him like this so he gets up and heads for the door.

“We’re fine Diane. Sorry if we woke you.”

“Are you sure, pet? I heard screams and glass breaking.”

“Aaron had a nightmare, but he’s alright now and I knocked over a glass.” He wasn’t giving away any secrets, they all knew of the nightmares, how could they not but Aaron was embarrassed enough about them already, Robert wasn’t going to add to it. “I’ll clear it up in the morning.” He tries to smile, knows it’s useless, she can see right through him but thankfully she leaves and he closes the door with a sigh, goes back to Aaron who hasn’t moved. He gets back on the floor, wraps his arms back round Aaron’s shaking body.

“I did.” Is all he says.

“Sorry?” His train of thought has gone.

“I did say something. Probably would have been shot too if that shell hadn’t landed. Right then I wouldn’t have cared either.” Robert can’t speak, the mere thought of being that close to losing him brought back the dark memories of when he thought Aaron had died.

“Aaron…”

“Stupid, huh? Wouldn’t bring that kid back, would it?”

“No, but I’d hazard a guess that kid wouldn’t want anyone else to lose their life for him. I bet he’d want you to live your life the best way you can.”

“It’s not that easy.” He turns to face Robert, eyes searching for something, hatred, disgust, Robert didn’t know but whatever it was he wouldn’t find it. “I hate myself for it, Robert.”

“I’m not saying it is easy and I have no idea how you’re feeling, but...you lived Aaron...you lived. That means something to me.” Aaron doesn’t speak, just sobs quietly, Robert holding onto him for dear life, can’t think what else to do, doesn’t know who to turn to for help. Selfishly he wants his Aaron back, wants all of this to not have happened, but that can’t happen.

“Shall I make some tea? You’re cold.” Aaron nods, swipes away the tears on his face. “Alright, get back into bed. I won’t be long.”

“I’ll help...your leg…”

“You can if you want but my leg is fine now.”

“I’m not an idiot. You were very cagey about the details. Don’t think I won’t ask again.” He smiles all of a sudden trying to lighten the mood, but it doesn’t reach his eyes, they stay as pain filled as ever.

“Fine, you win, but I can manage two cups of tea, I’d rather you stayed in the warm.” He waits until Aaron does just that before he heads downstairs. He needs the time to himself, to take in what Aaron told him, to let the odd tear fall as he thinks about him being put into that situation. He won’t let Aaron see him like this, he has enough to deal with. Later as they drink their tea, Aaron cuddled up against him he feels brave enough to ask more.

“That’s what you remembered, at the hospital?”

“Yeah. I still don’t have any memories between that and the hospital. I...when they came back, that’s what I remembered, that was all for a long time, over and over.” He puts down his cup, rests his head on Robert’s shoulder, one arm slung across his chest, as close as he can get.

“I’m sorry.”

“They...at the hospital they said it would help, to keep talking about it. I don’t know but I want you to know, I need you to know why I’m like this. I’m not the Aaron that was here before, he’s gone.”

“Maybe he is, but my Aaron is still in there...you might be different now but you’re still the man I fell in love with. I told you, nothing will change that.” He presses a kiss to the top of his head.

“You also said we’d be happy one day.” He thinks there’s a spark of hope in Aaron’s voice and it makes him smile.

“And we will, I promise. I’m different too. I don’t think anyone comes out of a war unscathed. That doesn’t mean we can’t be happy.”

“When you say that you always make it sound so easy.” Aaron mumbles.

“It is easy. You’re here, we’re both safe now.”

“I don’t have a job or...I’m a mess, Robert!” He pushes a hand to Robert’s chest to sit up and face him properly. “I can’t do what I did before, not with my hands shaking like this.”

“Then we’ll find something else. There’s no rush.”

“I’m not going to be your kept man, Robert.”

“Did I say that? All I meant was, you’ve only been back a few just over a month. When you’re ready we’ll find something that you’ll enjoy doing. You need to get better first, stronger.”

“Maybe.” He sounds so defeated and Robert is just as frustrated. Everything feels like they’re taking one step forward and two back at the moment.

“You know, Adam’s always saying how much work there is at Butler’s, he’s up there most days. You could go with him. Fresh air might be good. If you need to take a day or two off no one is going to mind. Even just over the summer? I could maybe help too.” He smiled as he got the expected laugh from Aaron.

“I wouldn’t want to let them down if I can’t handle it.”

“You wouldn’t. Adam will understand, his parents are good people. Just think about it. Like I say there’s no rush.”

“I’ll talk to Adam.” Aaron says after a while. That’s another development that Robert’s glad of. The two of them seem to be getting on well.

“Not just yet though, let me have you to myself for a while longer?” He holds him tighter, the novelty of him being home nowhere near wearing off. “It’s been a long time.”

“Mmm, I suppose. I hate this, feeling like this. It’s not me.”

“I know it doesn’t help right now, but it won’t be forever. You told me yourself you’re already so much better than you were in the hospital.” He pauses, unsure how his next suggestion will go down. If they weren’t lying in the darkness he’d probably not say it but they seem to get to talking about difficult topics like this. “Do you...there must be doctors who can help, more now the war is over. I can find one, you can go and see them.”

“That’d cost a fortune. I know, you don’t care about the money, but I do. Anyway unless they can take those memories away from me, I don’t know what good it’ll do. I’ve seen enough doctors!” He rolls onto his back with a frustrated sigh. “Do you think we’ll ever get back to how we were?”

“Honestly? No.” His voice is soft and quiet as he laces his fingers with Aaron’s. “We’re both different now, but that doesn’t have to change anything between us. I know you think I’m going to think of you differently now but I don’t. I know you don’t believe me, just like you don’t believe me when I say how much better you are than the day I found you.”

“Because I’m not!”

“You are, Aaron. You’d hardly let me touch you without flinching. You refused to believe any of us would want you. It might not feel like it, they might only be little things but you are getting better.”

“Hmm.” Robert knows he still doesn’t believe it, but he’ll tell him every day if he has to. Despite Aaron’s reluctance he makes plans to research possible doctors, just in case. “You know you’re going to need a new chauffeur, should have found one already.”

“We manage.”

“Only because you’re a sentimental fool who didn’t want to give someone else my job. Least that’s what Victoria told me.” Robert laughed, his sister wasn’t entirely wrong.

“Well just for that, she can drive us into Hotten tomorrow. I’m taking you out, we’ve been cooped up here since you got back. We’ll go early, it’ll be quiet.” He sees Aaron nod in the darkness and squeezes his hand. “Mind, she’s not so bad. She smiles a lot more than you ever did. Chatters though, never get any peace!”

“Oi!” Aaron laughed and tickled him, Robert didn’t care if they woke anyone up, Aaron was laughing again, that was all that mattered.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've noticed that pictures don't always show up if you download as a mobi file, so for anyone doing that who doesn't see Robert's letter to Aaron, here it is :)
> 
> My beautiful Aaron,
> 
> I hope with all I have that you never have to read this letter, but if you do then I hope it brings some comfort to you.
> 
> I’ve never been as happy in my life as I have these past months with you. The nights we spent doing nothing more than sitting in comfortable silence mean the world to me, and the times with Liv, playing games, doing normal things that didn’t involve a war. Those are the times I want you to remember. Don’t waste your life away mourning me. I want you to be happy more than anything.
> 
> As for Liv, I see her as another sister, you know. Of course you’ll take care of her, it goes without saying but tell her how much she meant to me sometimes.
> 
> If you can, please take care of Victoria and Diane. I know they’ll be fine, but keep an eye out if you can, for me.
> 
> I hate writing letters, can never get the words to sound right but know one thing Aaron Dingle. I love you and I’m forever grateful that I found you.
> 
> Forever,
> 
> Robert


	4. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Final chapter (epilogue really).
> 
> Hope everyone has enjoyed it.

Five Months Later

“Robert?”

“Yeah?” It’s late, or early depending on which way you look at it, but neither of them are asleep and the sun is starting to shine through the curtains so it won’t be long before either Liv or Jacob are up demanding their attention.

They were woken over an hour ago by Aaron’s nightmare. They might be becoming more infrequent but their intensity was just as scary and heartbreaking as it ever was. Now they were tucked up in bed, Aaron held in Robert’s arms.

“Will you go somewhere with me tomorrow?”

“Of course, where do you want to go?”

“Will you come to the graveyard with me?” it’s been nearly six months since he came back, since Robert found him in the cottage but he’s avoided the place like the plague. On the rare visits to the village they don’t pass it and when Robert visits he goes alone. Robert hasn’t questioned it, he’s asked Aaron to open up so much the last few months he doesn’t want to press him any further.

“You know I will. What’s brought this on?”

“I...just need to say goodbye, I suppose. I don’t want to go alone.” It had been a slow process getting him to settle back in fully to life back here. When he went to the village it was only with Robert or Adam and it was still rare. It had taken almost as long for him to settle into the house, living there permanently had taken some getting used to, for everyone. Aaron felt out of place, no matter how many times Robert reassured him otherwise but like everything it was getting better, easier.

Nowadays they felt more like a family and Aaron was slowly getting back to his old self. The nightmares still came, for them both, and he could still be sent hurtling into a flashback by a loud noise but they were all learning the best ways to help him. They were coping.

“We’re going to be alright, aren’t we?” Aaron asked suddenly, sitting up, hand resting lightly on Robert’s chest, looking at him in the darkness.

“Of course we are. I promised you we would.” He does believe it, the moments of doubt aren’t something he’ll ever tell Aaron about and every day they’re coming to him less and less. Aaron nodded and settled down again. They’d get there, Robert was sure of it.

~~~ * ~~~

It’s been a long time since he’s felt this relaxed, this unburdened and it feels strange, for so long he’s been strong for Aaron supporting him, helping him but it finally feels like they’re starting to come out of the darkness. The last few months have been a struggle, both of them adjusting to the changes in their lives and finally he truly believes they will be alright.

When the nightmares come now they deal with them with a routine of hot drinks and conversations about all the silly things going on in the village. It might not be the prescribed way but it works for them. More than once they’ve been woken in the morning by Victoria because they’ve fallen asleep on the sofa.

He wanders back into the bedroom from the bathroom and watches as Aaron fiddles with his tie. Another lingering effect of the war are the tremors in his hands and Robert can see he’s struggling but if he offers to help before Aaron wants it’ll just make it worse. Especially as Robert knows Aaron doesn’t particularly want to get dressed up.

It’s New Year’s Eve and Diane had wanted to have a party. Robert was reluctant, thinking that Aaron wouldn’t be keen. However he’d surprised him by agreeing, arguing that Diane had gone off to Butler’s with Adam and Victoria for Christmas Day leaving them with Liv and Jacob. He felt it was only fair she got to celebrate her way.

It hadn’t been easy the past months, them all settling into this new life. The two of them had adjoining rooms, and as far as anyone outside the house was concerned they used them both. Some nights they did, when Aaron didn’t want to be around anyone he’d sleep there, although inevitably he’d end up back in bed beside Robert by the morning. It wasn’t perfect, not yet, but it was working.

The most important thing was that they were happy, or getting there. Liv was, and Jacob was overjoyed to have someone else he could cajole into playing with him. Robert even thought that Aaron was beginning to relax here, starting to treat it as his home and not as if he was a guest.

He was still amazed that there hadn’t been any gossip in the village, or at least none he’d heard about, when Aaron had moved in. It did make sense, like he’d told him and he wasn’t questioning the lack of interest, he wasn’t going to rock the boat unless he had to.

“Are you going to stare at me like that all night?” Aaron asks, finally abandoning his tie.

“Probably.” He couldn’t help it. Some days he still found it hard to believe Aaron was actually here and right now he looked so good in the suit, smiling at Robert, eyes crinkling as he did.

“Well make yourself useful and do this bloody thing! I’ll never get the hang of it.” Robert laughed and walked over, limp almost non-existent after so long, and started tying the bow tie.

“My little scruff.” Aaron was much happier in his usual clothes and nobody had been more surprised than Robert that he’d agreed to the suit for the party.

“Shut up! I’m only wearing this suit for you.” He looked so disgruntled that Robert couldn’t help but smile more.

“Thank you. You look good, you know? Stop that!” He exclaimed as Aaron pulled at his collar. “I didn’t think we’d ever get to have this.”

Aaron sighed, “I...I know it’s not been easy, putting up with me...sometimes I still wonder why you do.”

“Well,” He tries to keep his tone light, doesn’t want a heavy conversation when they’re due to be downstairs at the party. “You’re pretty good with putting up with me too. I guess that means we’re a good match.” He snags hold of Aaron’s wrist and tugs him closer, “I love you. You make me happy, you make me laugh, every day.”

“Mmm,” He murmurs leaning into Robert’s chest, content to stay right there.

“Oi! Aren’t you going to say anything back?” He tries to scowl but he’s smiling too much.

“You’re alright I suppose.” He’s biting his lip trying not to laugh. “I love you too, idiot.”

“That’s better.” He presses a kiss to Aaron’s lips. He wished they didn’t have to go to the party. “Come on, I need to finish getting ready, they’ll be waiting for us.” He moves back and takes hold of Aaron’s hands.

“Yeah.” He can feel Aaron running his fingers over the ring Robert still wears, and his eyes fall to the chain hanging from Aaron’s waistcoat, the pocket watch tucked away, always kept close wherever he is.

“What is it?” Robert says as he crosses to the dresser to find his cufflinks. His gaze catches the photograph of himself that he’d given Aaron, sitting on Aaron’s side of the bed, and smiles. It always reminds him that he got him back, that Aaron had never stopped thinking about him, their life together.

“Are you sure about this?” Aaron asks perching on the end of the bed “You don’t have to…”

Robert crosses the room again, takes Aaron’s face in his hands and kisses him softly, struggling not to push him back onto the bed.

“I already told you, I’m sure. The only strangers there, to you anyway, are Lawrence and Chrissie’s new husband. I wish Diane had kept it just family but...I’ve given up trying. We don’t have to stay until midnight. We can just excuse ourselves and come up here.”

Aaron smiled and once again Robert was struck by just how much he loved that smile. After not seeing it for so long when Aaron was away, after he left and then when he was still recovering it was such a rare occurrence, he had learnt to treasure every one.

“It’s…” Robert saw he was wringing his hands and covered them with his own to stop them. “I don’t belong down there...with you. They’re going to wonder why I’m there.”

He knows Aaron still gets moments of self doubt, that he doesn’t deserve Robert or Liv, or the life he’s got. It breaks his heart every time, he can do nothing but tell him over and over that he does, that they’re going to be happy, together.

Robert wants to say he doesn’t care what anyone thinks because if the war and everything after it has taught him anything it’s that life is too short to worry about what people think. The world hasn’t changed so much that they can be themselves, if anything it is worse, but here in his house, Aaron isn’t going to be hidden away.

“You’re there because you’re Jacob’s uncle, you’re going to be Adam’s business partner if the two of you can ever agree on what it is you want to do, and to the people that matter you’re there because you love me and I love you. You have as much right to be there as anyone else.” He sighed, “If you’re really that uncomfortable you don’t have to come.”

“I don’t want to let you down.”

“You could never do that. You’re doing so much better, you know you are. Just stay with me, or Adam, yeah? If it gets too much tell me and we’ll leave.”

Aaron nodded, giving Robert a soft smile. He’d been so grateful for Adam the past months, the way he’d helped Aaron. He’d encouraged Aaron to help out on the farm after Robert suggested it, when and how he wanted. Aaron didn’t need to work, Robert was happy to provide for them both, always would be but Aaron wouldn’t have it, and it had made a difference, making him feel useful, the fresh air and more importantly seeing that no one was going to treat him any differently now the war was over. Now the two of them were looking at a business together using Aaron’s knowledge of mechanics and Adam’s apparent business brain.

He’d also acted as a good middle ground between the two of them, someone other than Robert for Aaron to talk to when he felt he couldn’t tell Robert the horrific things inside his head. Aaron would still open up to Robert but even so there were things he didn’t want him to know, things he probably wouldn’t ever tell anyone.

“Aaron?” Liv knocked and poked her head round the door. Robert smiled at her, she looked beautiful. It was her first real party and Victoria had taken her shopping for a dress that she would agree to wear and it suited her well.

“What is it, Liv? We’re now coming down.”

“Jacob wants you to say goodnight. He won’t settle for Julia.”

“Alright, I’m now coming.” Aaron turns back to face the mirror, checks his tie is straight smiling as Robert steps up behind him, hands running up his arms. “Stop trying to distract me, you.”

“Go see your nephew. I’ll meet you downstairs.” He presses a soft kiss to the side of Aaron’s neck.

“Mmm, come with me. He’ll want you too, you know he will.” They both knew the little boy had them wrapped round his little finger.

They walk hand in hand, knowing they won’t be able to once they’re downstairs, to the nursery. It’s not where Robert’s used to be, he’d insisted it was moved still couldn’t face going to the part of the house where his Mum had died. Diane had her own suite of rooms there now, although she hardly used any of them except the bedroom. When Aaron had moved in, Adam and Victoria had suggested they move out and he’d said no unless they wanted to and he couldn’t imagine the place without any of them

He knew one day they would, they’d want their own family, their own home but for now, being all together again suited them all.

The nursery wasn’t far from their room and although they had a nanny, more often than not one of them got up when he cried. Robert would often find Aaron in there on the nights he couldn’t sleep, just watching Jacob sleep. They find him standing up in his cot tiny hands wrapped round the bars. He’d need a proper bed soon, he was growing up so fast.

Robert smiled at Julia as she left, watching Aaron pick the little boy up and hold him on his hip, Jacob’s little hands grabbing onto the lapels of Aaron’s suit. He could hear him whispering, couldn’t make out what he was saying but it seemed to be working. Robert stepped up to him, running a hand through Jacob’s dark hair, the little boy already falling back to sleep now he’d got what he wanted.

“I think he’s sleeping.” He whispered after a while. In many ways he thought this little boy had helped more than any of them, giving Aaron something to focus on, to smile about.

“Just a few more minutes.” Robert smiled and nodded.

A few hours later and it’s not long until midnight. The party had been fun, Aaron and Robert managing to stay close until Aaron had got into a conversation with Chrissie’s husband, James, and Adam about cars. When it began to go over Robert’s head he left them to it. Aaron had started tinkering with the cars again when he could, not driving, not yet, but he was happy to be back doing something he loved.

“You look happier than the last time I saw you.” Chrissie murmured as she handed him another glass of champagne.

“Well being at home helps. Thank you, again for all you did.”

“Hmm being home isn’t the only thing if you ask me.” He just looks at her, one eyebrow raised. “I’m not stupid and I’m also not going to say anything.”

“I nearly lost him, twice. I still can’t believe he’s here some days.”

“Well he is, and it’s nearly midnight so why don’t I rescue my husband then you can be with him.” He smiles, kisses her cheek before she wanders over to her husband and takes his arm, leading him away from the two men. Robert leaves by the french doors and finds his way to the garden. It’s cold but it’s private. He’s barely sat down before Aaron is there, taking his hand.

“What you doing out here?”

“Wanted a bit of peace, with you. Did you have a good time tonight?”

“I did, better than I thought. James is nice.”

“Funny, Chrissie said the same thing about you.” The look on Aaron’s face makes him chuckle and he puts an arm around him pulling him close.

“S’cold.” He complains after a few minutes.

“Yeah, but we’re alone.” Robert rubs his hand up and down his arm, trying to warm him up a bit.

“Right where we first met.”

“It seemed appropriate.” He tilts Aaron’s head towards him and presses a kiss to his lips. Eventually they hear everyone exchanging New Year greetings. “Happy new year Aaron.”

“Happy new year. 1920...wonder what’ll happen?”

“I told you. We’re going to be happy.”

“Yeah, we just might.” For the first time, Robert could tell he actually believed it. He didn’t say anything, just held onto him, making no attempt to go back inside. It was just the two of them, together.

~~~ * ~~~

Home Farm - 2017

“Wow.” He smiles at her, she’d been listening avidly through the whole story. He looked out of the window, it was starting to get dark. “So, were they happy?”

“Yes. Aaron ran the car business with Adam and Robert managed the estate here until your great grandfather could take over. It wasn’t easy, they still had to hide their relationship for so long but eventually they moved out to the gatehouse...stayed there until they died.”

“So romantic.”

“I suppose it is. Come on you, we need to get this packing done.”

“Do you really want to sell, Dad? I know we don’t live here but it’s...well I suppose it’s home really. All these people, their stories. We don’t have to sell do we?” She was right, they didn’t need to, it wasn’t about the money, never had been. Even once the stipulations on the will had expired no one had sold, they’d stayed. Maybe he should do the same, keep it for his daughter

“Maybe. We still need to pack though, especially if you want to take all the photos and things.”

When she’d gone he looked down at the photograph and once again wondered if he was doing the right thing, letting the place go. It was his heritage he supposed, there was so much family history within these walls. Making a decision he pulled out his phone and called the estate agent. He had a lot of thinking to do but while he did the house would stay off the market, would stay in the family just as it always had.


End file.
